The Wedding.....

                                                                               

I couldn't be bothered to go through all the mither of putting all my clocks back an hour this year. Instead, I'm just going to watch channel ITV+1 for the next six months!

It’s a poignant time of year. As I get older and I think of all the people I've lost along the way, I think that maybe a career as a tour guide wasn't for me.......


                                                             

It all happened so suddenly! I was bereft. I felt that my life was empty and a barren existence on a bleak horizon beckoned. I felt alone, with a sense that I was isolated from all I know and loved, unable to express my inner most feelings, to share my thoughts, my needs, my…… No. Hang about. The Wi-Fi is up and working again now. Carry on folks!


Thursday Thought: If you can't learn to do summat really well, then learn to enjoy doing it badly.


I was out in Wetherspoons with my mates over the weekend, when I glanced at my mobile phone and noticed a staggering eighteen missed calls from the missus. That's an average of six calls per day! Is she insecure or what?


                                                           

Jack, age 92, and Gill, age 89, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a chemist shop and Jack suggests they go in. Jack addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?" The pharmacist answers, "Yes." Jack sez: “We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?" Pharmacist: "Of course we do." Jack: "How about medicine for circulation?"  Pharmacist: "All kinds" Jack: "Medicine for rheumatism?" Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Jack: "How about suppositories?" Pharmacist: "Yes"Jack: "Medicine for memory problems, and arthritis?" Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works." Jack: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?" Pharmacist: "We do..." Jack: "You sell wheelchairs and zimmers and canes?" Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes." Jack: "Adult incontinence pants?” Pharmacist: "Yes." Jack: "Then we'd like to use this chemist shop for our wedding presents list..."




                                                                   

Me, behave! You cannot be serious! As a child I saw Tarzan almost naked, Cinderella arrived home well after midnight, Pinocchio was an inveterate liar, Aladdin was a thief, Batman drove over 200 miles per hour, Snow White lived in a house with seven strange blokes, Popeye smoked a pipe and had tattoos, Pac Man ran around to digital music while eating pills that enhanced his performance, and Shaggy and Scooby Doo were mystery solving mysteries involving hippies who never worked a day in their life. The fault is not mine! Visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me: comedianuk@sky.com



                               

That Tingly Feeling....

                                             

Have you noticed that all the leaves are falling from the trees? What is going on? Is that Kim Jong Un from North Korea up to summat? Either way, Theresa May must grasp the nettle, stop coughing and send Boris round with a rake, forthwith! 

                                           

Yesterday morning I was observing a young lady having a hard time reversing her car, so I offered to help. "Get lost!" She yelled. "It's my car, I can do it myself." "Please, I insist," I sez, "I know it's your car, but it's also my conservatory that you're in."


                                       

                                               

The missus sent me a text that sez, "I've found out you've been seeing another woman, you cheating swine! I've packed all my stuff and I'm going to my sister’s house." I texted back: "Okay, I'll see you when you get here."

                                             

I don't like making plans for the day. Primarily, because then the word "premeditated" gets bandied around in the courtroom.

                                   

You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone that you have just met. That's common sense leaving your body. So, now you know!


                                 

I advise all readers that a lot of the old jokes in this column are archived. My Scottish pal wants to know if they'll archive the new..

Folk reckon that I'm eccentric because I ate an abacus.   Well, I think that what inside that counts.

Visitied Primark and purchased a reversible jacket online this morning, and I'm really excited to see how it turns out!

                                     

Thought for Thursday: Never attribute to malice what can be adequately explained by stupidity.



The hypnotist class was truly appalling last night. Moreover, I really can’t fathom out exactly why I signed up for another five hundred lessons!



Q) Which Spice girl can carry the most petrol?

A) Geri can...



Wit is often a mask. If you could peer behind its gossamer façade, you would find either genius meandering or chutzpah sauntering. That’s why you should never let your mind wander. Summat that small shouldn’t be out on its own. Nurse, fetch the screens! Visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com or email me: comedianuk@sky.com

                                           

The Chain Letter....

INSTRUCTIONS:
Anaesthetise your wife/girlfriend, put her in a large carton with ventilation holes (optional), send it to the person who is at the top of your list. Soon, your name will be at the top of everyone else`s list, and you will receive 823,542 women through the post.

Statistically, among the women, will be at least 0.5 Miss Worlds, 2.5 models, 463 wild nymphos, 3,234 good-looking nymphos, 20,198 who enjoy multiple orgasms and 40,244 bi-sexual women. In total that is 64,294 women who are simply hornier, less inhibited, and more shaggable than the grumpy old harridan you posted off. And there`s more! Your original package is guaranteed not be one one of those that comes to you.One bloke for example who sent the letter to only five instead of nine mates got his original package back, still in the old dressing gown he sent her off in. On the same day the international model he`d been living with moved out to live with his best friend     (to whom he had not sent the chain ) .



YOU MUST BELIEVE IN THIS E.MAIL


This is a unique opportunity to achieve a totally satisfying sex life. No expensive meals out, no lengthy conversations about sweet Jack Schitt. No obligations, no grumpy mother-in-law, no unpleasant surprises like marriage or engagement.

Do not wait, send this letter to nine of your friends.


Good luck!!


                                       

The Old Pound Coins....

                       

Well, I have gotten rid of all my old round one pound coins before the deadline last weekend. All I have to do now is dispose of 59 shopping trolleys.

Q) Which Spice Girl can hold the most petrol?
A) Geri can

I'll never forget how ecstatic I was when I saw the missus walking down the aisle towards me. My heart was skipped a beat and my pulse was racing. The anticipation was unbearable.
It seemed to take an age, but eventually there she was, standing beside me. I gave her a big smile and sez: "Wheel that trolley over here, darling. They're doing three cases of Stella Artois, for the price of two!"

Me and the wife went at it like rabbits last night! Not sex, we just ate copious amounts of carrots, twitched our noses and scratched the back of our ears with our feet.
                                         

The missus was away over the weekend, so I sauntered up Scropton Street to my local pub The Pit Bull & Stanley Knife. After imbibing copious tankards of Farquarharsons Old & Filthy Bestest British Bitter Beer, I was quite merry and ended up going home with Alice, the barmaid, for a clandestine night of unbridled passion and now I feel really awful. I reckon she must have had the flu or summat....



Quotation :"Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. That's relativity." - Albert Einstein



Thought for Thursday: The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up...

Two deer walk out of a gay bar.  One sez to the other, "I can't believe I blew 30 bucks in there."


Fascinating Fact: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are 'XL.'



A neurotic friend of mine left some emotional baggage on an aeroplane. It caused a massive insecurity alert...

                                   

Quiz of the Week:

1)If you’re sailing down a river on a yacht doing 20 knots per hour and your vessel loses a wheel, then exactly how much cement would you require to re-shingle you’re roof?

2) If binge drinking destroys your memory - what does binge drinking do?

Answers on a coastguard please. Matron will pick a winner.

My two kids keep coughing so I took them to see the doctor today. "Do you smoke cigarettes in the house?" the doctor asked me. "Yes." I replied. "About 40 a day." "That's terrible!" He said, shaking his head. "Your habit is probably affecting your children more than it's affecting you. My advice to you would be to give them up." "Fair enough, doc." I said, shaking his hand, "I'll call social services in the morning."



Wit is often a mask. If you could peer behind its gossamer façade, you would find either genius irritated or cleverness wriggling. That’s why you should never let your mind wander. Summat that small shouldn’t be out on its own. Nurse, fetch the screens! Visit my website www.ComedianUK.com or email me: comedianuk@sky.com. Now, assume a comical position, and then strike the pose!


                       

The Recent Gubbins!

For details of all my recent gubbins, click HERE >>>  Recent Gubbins

The Leaves.....

                                                   

Have you noticed that all the leaves are falling from the trees? What is going on? Is that Kim Jong Un from North Korea up to summat? Either way, Theresa May must grasp the nettle, stop coughing and send Boris round with a rake, forthwith!


All these old programmes circulating on copious satellite channels!! I was watching the Gadget Show on Dave. I just can't wait to get one of them Walkmans!


Oh folly folly! I put my brand new iPhone under the pillow last night and went to kip. When I awoke, it had disappeared and a pound coin was in its place. Could this have been the Bluetooth fairy?

                                                   

Surreal Joke of the Century: A male frog goes to see a clairvoyant. The psychic tells him, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you." The frog becomes ecstatic, "This is absolutely fantastic! Will I meet her at a party?" "No," says the psychic, "in her biology class."



Thought for Thursday: Never forget that if you help a man when he is in trouble, he will always remember you when he is in trouble again....



While I was walking the dogs, I discovered a suitcase in the woods containing four fox cubs. I phoned the RSPCA and the woman there asked me: "Are they moving?" I sez, "I don't know, but that would certainly explain the suitcase..."

                                                     

The hypnotist class was truly appalling last night. Moreover, I really can’t fathom out exactly why I signed up for another five hundred lessons!



Barmy Albert always said "The first rule of theatre is to always leave them wanting more"  Great bloke but a terrible anaesthetist...

I’ve been swapping the wife’s chocolate bar wrappers around!!! She hates it when I do that.
She tends to get her Snickers in a Twix!



Non-Stick Nora went to a job interview: "What are your strengths?" "I'm an optimist and a positive thinker." "Can you give me an example?" "Yes, when do I start?"



Top Tip: Turn an ordinary settee into a sofa bed, by simply by forgetting your wedding anniversary.


I'm getting really annoyed with certain folk who fail to accept responsibility for things, but please don't quote me on this...


If I could offer you some advice for the future: Dance like you are mortally injured. Make love like your being filmed and you need the money. Work when people are watching. Dress up in Lycra. Always leave a false name. Be legendary. Believe in Karma.If at first you don’t succeed, then redefine success. Visit my website http://www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me:comedianuk@sky.com