The Top 15 Funniest Jokes From The Edinburgh Fringe...

                      

1. "My dad has suggested that I register for a donor card. He's a man after my own heart" - Masai Graham
2. "Why is it old people say "there's no place like home", yet when you put them in one…" - Stuart Mitchell
3. "I've been happily married for four years - out of a total of 10" - Mark Watson
4. "Apparently 1 in 3 Britons are conceived in an IKEA bed which is mad because those places are really well lit" - Mark Smith
5. "I went to a pub quiz in Liverpool, had a few drinks so wasn't much use. Just for a laugh I wrote The Beatles or Steven Gerrard for every answer… came second" -Will Duggan
6. "Brexit is a terrible name, sounds like cereal you eat when you are constipated" -Tiff Stevenson
7. "I often confuse Americans and Canadians. By using long words" - Gary Delaney
8. "Why is Henry's wife covered in tooth marks? Because he's Tudor" - Adele Cliff
9. "Don't you hate it when people assume you're rich because you sound posh and went to private school and have loads of money?" - Annie McGrath
10. "Is it possible to mistake schizophrenia for telepathy, I hear you ask" - Jordan Brookes
11. "Hillary Clinton has shown that any woman can be President, as long as your husband did it first" - Michelle Wolf
12. "I spotted a Marmite van on the motorway. It was heading yeastbound" - Roger Swift
13. "Back in the day, Instagram just meant a really efficient drug dealer" - Arthur Smith
14. "I'll tell you what's unnatural in the eyes of God. Contact lenses" - Zoe Lyons
15. "Elton John hates ordering Chinese food. Soya seems to be the hardest word" -Phil Nicol.

My Week in Pictures....

www.ComedianUK.com

The Raid....

                     

I had popped out to Tesco to get some inverted boneless pork rectums and upon my return back to the house, there are four police cars and an army of coppers searching through my home!

The front door had been kicked off it's hinges, my possessions scattered far and wide, and they were conducting a serious search. So I'm stuck outside with this chief inspector and the constabulary inside searching through everything, even our laundry. They checked inside my wardrobes, under the mattress. They tore my things apart. So, as you can imagine, I'm getting upset and I'm trying figure out what's going on.

I asked if they had a search warrant, and if I could see it. The cop in my bedroom yells, "Where did you hide it? We know it's here! " Then I shout back, "If I had any idea of what you're looking for  maybe I could help!" He proclaims "We're taking you down the nick," so I shut up and watch one of the other police officers look down at his iPhone.

Then he shouts, "Guys Stop! Hold on! We're in the wrong house! The Pokémon is next door!"

                       

Colin The Aborigine.....

                         

A rich man living in Darwin decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbours.

He also invited Colin, the only aborigine in the neighbourhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.


Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns, oysters, from the BBQ and flirting.

At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 15ft man-eating crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in.'

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Colin in the pool fighting the croc, jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of stuff like head butts and chokeholds, biting the croc on the tail and flipping the croc through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.

The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Colin and the croc were screaming and raising hell … Finally Colin strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a dead goldfish.

Colin then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.

The host says, 'Well, Colin, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.'

'Nah, you all right boss, I don't want it,' said Colin.

The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet .. How about half a million bucks then?'


'No thanks ... I don't want it,' answered Colin.

The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something .. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?’

Again, Colin said "No."


Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well Colin, then what do you want?

Colin said,    ‘I just want the bugger who pushed me in.’

                             

Yesterday.....

                         

I frightened the postman yesterday by going to the door with no clothes on. I'm not really sure what scared him most, me in my birthday suit, or the fact that I knew where he lived.



Yesterday was not a good day. I parked in a disabled space at Tesco. Worst thing I could have done! Within the blink of an eye, the security bloke meandered over and exclaimed, “What disability do you have then?” With all the dignity that I could muster, I replied, “Tourettes, f**k off!”



He gazed at me with much disdain. He had a face like a murderer’s labourer. “There’s no need to use Elizabethan expletives in your language, I’m merely doing my job!” he proclaimed. “People like you are Jobsworths.” I curtly informed him. “There are eleven disabled spaces available. It’s not as if eleven disabled folk are going to descend onto this car park at this precise moment in time, is it?” Then, as if to make me look a right plonker, the Aston Villa Team Bus pulled in!


                         

After this unfortunate farrago, I parked the car elsewhere and gingerly ventured into the store.

I sez to the checkout girl, “This has today’s date on it, can I have a discount?” She replied that if she gave me a discount, that she would have to give everyone a discount. Not wishing to labour the point, I repeated that it had today’s date on and should therefore be discounted.

She then became most annoyed and shouted, “Do you want this newspaper or not?”





That’s when the trouble started! I was making every endeavour to pay, using my debit card and it wouldn’t work. The checkout chick, already annoyed at the previous shenanigans, lost her temper and yelled, “Strip down, facing me!” That’s when I ended up in the back of a police van.


                                   

Yesterday morning, I was on the phone to nPower about my exorbitant electricity bill and I sez to the missus, "Just nip into the garage and quickly make a note of what it says on the meter" She returned and passed me a post-it-note, on which was written, 'Danger High Voltage'....



The wife asked me where I was going and I told her that I was going to the corner shop. She sez, “Could you get me a litre of milk and if they have eggs, get a dozen.” When I returned, she flipped her lid and went bananas, screaming and shouting at me. She hollered, “Why in God’s name have you brought back twelve litres of milk?” I replied, “They had eggs...”




                       

If I could offer you some advice for the future: Dance like you are mortally injured. Make love like your being filmed and you need the money. Work when people are watching. Dress up in Lycra. Always leave a false name. Be legendary. Believe in Karma.If at first you don’t succeed, then redefine success. Visit my website http://www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me:comedianuk@sky.com



                         

The Monastery....

                            

A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind. He doesn't sleep that night. He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound.


The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." Distraught, the man is forced to leave.

Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again.

The monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk."

The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a monk."

The man sets about his task.

After years of searching he returns as a gray-haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the monks.

"In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I traveled the earth and have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception."

The monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound."

The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door."

The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond.

Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become very clear and definite. The monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."

The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind that door!
With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound......

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But, of course, I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.