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Thursday 12 June 2014


Ladies. Listen Up!

The following is extremely important advice (plus some recommendations) that needs to be passed on to wives, girlfriends, fiancés, mothers, sisters, daughters, etc., (basically, all women in general). These rules need to be communicated prior to the 2014 World Cup (it starts TONIGHT!)

List of Rules

1. From 12th June to 13th July 2014, you should read the sports section of the newspaper so that you are aware of what is going on regarding the World Cup, and that way you will be able to join in the conversations. If you fail to do this, then you will be looked at in a bad way, or you will be totally ignored. DO NOT complain about not receiving any attention.

2. During the World Cup, the television is mine, at all times, without any exceptions. If you even take a glimpse of the remote control, you will lose it (your eye, not the remote).

3. If you have to pass in front of the TV during a game, I don't mind, as long as you do it crawling on the floor and without distracting me. If you decide to stand nude in front of the TV, make sure you put your clothes on right after because if you catch a cold, I won't have time to take you to the doctor or look after you during the World Cup.

4. During the games I will be blind, deaf (but unlike The Who’s ‘Tommy’© I am also mute), unless I require a refill of my drink or something to eat. You must be out of your mind if you expect me to listen to you, open the door, answer the telephone, or pick up the baby that just fell from the second floor. It just won't happen.

5. It would be a good idea for you to keep at least 2x six packs of beer (for any guest); more importantly, (at least) 2x eight packs of Diet Coke with Cherry© (for me) as well as plenty of things to nibble on, and please do not make any funny faces to either of my friends when they come over to watch the games. In return, you will be allowed to use the TV between 12am and 6am, unless they replay a good game that I may have inadvertently missed during the day.

6. Please, please, PLEASE!! (IMPORTANT BIT HERE): if you see me upset because my team is losing, DO NOT say ‘get over it, it’s only a game’ or ‘don't worry, they'll win it next time’ or any derivatives. If you say these things, you will only make me angrier and I will love you less. Remember, you will never ever know more about football than me and your so-called words of encouragement will only lead to a break up or divorce… or me buying a gun (after the tournament is over, obviously).

7. You are welcome to sit with me to watch one game and you can talk to me during halftime - but only when the commercials are on, and only if the half time score is pleasing to me. In addition, please note I am saying one game, therefore do not use the World Cup as a nice cheesy excuse to spend time together.

8. The replays of the goals are very important. I don't care if I have seen them or I haven't seen them, I want (and need) to see them again. Many times. From lots of different angles. Repeatedly.

9. Tell your friends NOT to have any babies or child-related parties / gatherings that may require my attendance, as:

a) I will not go;

b) I will not go… and:

c) I will not go... …but, if either of my friends invites us to his house on a Sunday to watch a game, we will be there in a flash.

10. The daily World Cup Highlights Show on TV every night is just as important as the games themselves. Do not even think about saying ‘…but you have already seen this. Why don't you change the channel to something we can all watch?’ Kindly refer to Rule #2 (above).

11. And finally, just save those expressions such as ‘Thank God the World Cup is only every 4 years’. I am now completely immune to such words, because after this comes the Champions League, Italian League, Spanish League, etc. (…possibly even the odd Manchester City or Arsenal game…)

12. Thank you for your co-operation (in advance) he said, rather optimistically.


Men of the World.        


If you don't do anything else today, be sure to tell someone about the hilarious comic Austin Knight and this craze-ridden newspaper column! Spread the gospel around the local pub, the lap dancing bar, the dole office, on the train coming back from community service, on the bus returning from visiting your probation officer, and at 30,000 leagues beneath the sea. Okay, forget about the underwater gubbins but do all the rest, that's an order! Visit my website too!   You can email me:

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