Are you looking for a home-based business opportunity that really works? Do you want to earn ££££’s? Money Talks! Mine used to say ‘Goodbye!’ But not anymore! Have you considered getting out of the rut and starting a new rut? Well look no further, because this is the business opportunity for you! Grab the lifestyle you love. Be able to spend time between your town house in the peaceful village of Moss Side and your holiday home in Cellarfield.
Why not convert your cellar into a sausage-knotting factory? Then enlist a dozen illegal immigrants into an indentured apprenticeship and let the fun begin. It really is that easy!
"But how do I convert my cellar into a sausage-knotting plant?"
It's quite simple. Purchase a surplus tranche of sausage-knotting machinery, then buy a pallet load of horse meat and bung both acquisitions down in your cellar.
“Okay, that sounds easy enough, but where do I locate Bulgarian and Romanian workers to enlist into a dodgy indentured apprenticeship?"
Hire a massive truck, take a trip to Calais and open the rear doors of the vehicle. The container will literally fill itself within a matter of seconds.
"I live in Stalybridge. Can I rent a truck and just park it at the Calais border?"
You most certainly can. However, it might take a considerable amount of time for you to collect a wagon load of prospective workers. I would strongly suggest baiting the truck with flagons of cold beer, menthol cigarettes and hot meat pies with chips and mushy peas, smothered in rich onion gravy.
"I'm producing a hundred yards of gourmet horse meat knotted sausage per hour. Who am I going to offload all this awful offal on?"
Believe it or not, that isn't a stoopid question. All of the major supermarket and fast food outlets, as well as many High Street restaurants will leap at the opportunity to purchase your product. If all else fails, go fetch another truckload of immigrants and start a tin-canning business up in your loft. Everyone simply adores tinned horse meat and you can easily market your products at a local car boot sale.
"Is this business legal?"
Providing that you don’t get raided by the Trading Standards Authorities, you should have no trouble whatsoever. If your operation should be discovered, you can exercise one of the following three options in order to avoid being detained at Her Majesty’s Pleasure:
1) Do a runner.
2) Have it away on your toes.
3) Go on the missing list.
This is all that you need to know to get yourself started in the exciting world of sausage- knotting production. It's a jovial activity for your estranged family together with former friends and you should reap the rewards for many years to come, or until you get your collar felt.
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