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Thursday 26 June 2014

It's Death, Jim. But Not As We Know It....


A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah."

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him...."

Barmy Albert and Non-Stick Nora made a pact that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death. Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all .......

After a long life together, Albert was the first to kick the bucket. True to his word, he made the first contact: "Nora, Nora, can you hear me?"

"Is that you, Albert?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"That's wonderful! What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times..

Then I have lunch (and Nora, you'd be proud -- lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to the golf course again.

Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again".

"Oh, Albert! Are you in Heaven?"

"No -- I'm a rabbit somewhere on Wimbledon Common....."

A man who just died is delivered to the mortuary wearing an

expensive,expertly tailored black suit. The mortician asks the deceased's wife

how she would like the body dressed. He points out that the man

does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked

his best in blue, and that she wanted him in a blue suit. She gives the

mortician a blank check and says, "I don't care what it costs, but

please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing."

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she

finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk

stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.

She says to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.

You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you


To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check.

"There's no charge," he says.

"No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite

blue suit!" she says.

"Honestly, ma'am," the mortician says, "it cost nothing." "You see, a

deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in

shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit.

I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black

suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked


"Oh, so you exchanged suits?" she asked. "No" said the Mortician "I switched heads".


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