I was watching Wimbledon with the wife earlier & she asked me what my favourite Wimbledon moment of all time was. "Easy" I replied "It was when they beat Liverpool in the 1988 FA Cup Final"
The bloke in the shop told me: "This is the new Google Smartwatch. It allows users to send texts and emails, surf the web, schedule appointments or play games or music, It will also act as a fitness tracker. I said "That's brilliant! But how do you tell what time it is?" He replied, "Oh, that's what your phone is for..."
Breaking News: Rolf Harris has had to pull out of Peter Pan. Instead of this, he now has Aladdin.
It does my head in when some people say "I'm a vegetarian, except for fish". Oh Yeah! Well, I'm a teetotaller, except for beer....
According to the Bible, Jesus was born in Bethlehem, in Palestine, a country full of people called Mohammed, Abdul, Mounir, Aziz, Ashad, Ahmed, Faroukh, Omar, Isha, Musa, Youssouf, Mouloud, etc.
And yet he managed to find 12 friends called Matthew, Mark, Peter, John, James, Bartholomew, Phillip, Thomas, Luke, Andrew, Simon and Judas Iscariot - who all drank wine! Don't you think that's a miracle?
I sez to the window cleaner, "Because I caught you peeping at the missus through the bathroom window, I'm confiscating your ladders. And if I catch you doing it again, further steps will be taken"...
I asked 100 women what brand of shampoo do they use in the shower. 98% of them said "How the f**k did you get in here?" Why make a fuss about how I got inside your house. The important thing is that we're together now.
Last night, I tried to share a donner kebab with a homeless guy I saw sitting on a bench in Manchester town centre. He told me to f**k off and buy my own.
If you read this weekly column regularly, then you help to make unimportant world decisions dealing with irrelevant, uncomplicated issues that influence insignificant amounts of human lives. Visit my website http://www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me:comedianuk@sky.com
According to the Bible, Jesus was born in Bethlehem, in Palestine, a country full of people called Mohammed, Abdul, Mounir, Aziz, Ashad, Ahmed, Faroukh, Omar, Isha, Musa, Youssouf, Mouloud, etc.
And yet he managed to find 12 friends called Matthew, Mark, Peter, John, James, Bartholomew, Phillip, Thomas, Luke, Andrew, Simon and Judas Iscariot - who all drank wine! Don't you think that's a miracle?
I sez to the window cleaner, "Because I caught you peeping at the missus through the bathroom window, I'm confiscating your ladders. And if I catch you doing it again, further steps will be taken"...
I asked 100 women what brand of shampoo do they use in the shower. 98% of them said "How the f**k did you get in here?" Why make a fuss about how I got inside your house. The important thing is that we're together now.
Last night, I tried to share a donner kebab with a homeless guy I saw sitting on a bench in Manchester town centre. He told me to f**k off and buy my own.
If you read this weekly column regularly, then you help to make unimportant world decisions dealing with irrelevant, uncomplicated issues that influence insignificant amounts of human lives. Visit my website http://www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me:comedianuk@sky.com
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