Kids!

A mother is driving a little girl to her friend's house for a birthday party.


"Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"

"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother replied. "It's not polite."

"OK", the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"

"Now really," the mother says, "those are personal questions and are really none of your business."

Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"

"That is enough questions, young lady, honestly!"



The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

"My Mom won't tell me anything about her," the little girl says to her friend .

"Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her driver’s license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it."

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32."

The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?

"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."

The mother is past surprised and shocked now.

"How in heaven's name did you find that out?"

"And," the little girl says triumphantly, “I know why you and daddy got a divorce."

"Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?"



Because you only got an F in sex."

The Devil....

A few minutes before the church services started,

the congregation were sitting in their pews and talking.

Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.

Everyone started screaming and running for the back entrance,

trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman

who sat calmly in his pew without moving,

seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's

ultimate enemy was in his presence..

So Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know who I am?'

The man replied, 'Yep, sure do.'

'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.

'Nope, sure ain't.' said the man.

'Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan.

'Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned the old man, in an even tone.

'Did you know that I can cause you profound,

horrifying AGONY for all eternity?' persisted Satan.

'Yep,' was the calm reply.

'And you are still not afraid?' asked Satan.

' Nope,' said the old man

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked,

'Why aren't you afraid of me?'

 

The man calmly replied,
'Been married to your sister for 48 years.'

 

Jimmy Savile Latest!

One sick individual, now universally loathed by a nation for shafting the innocent. Seen here with Jimmy Saville...



It's a shame that everyone is bad mouthing Jimmy Savile. When I was nine, he fixed it for me to milk a cow blindfolded.

Yesterday morning, in Manchester city centre, I saw a homeless fella sleeping inside a big cardboard box outside Piccadilly station. Not wishing to disturb his slumber, I crept over and carefully placed a large Starbucks coffee cup on top of his box. He awakened immediately and cheerily exclaimed, "Cheers mate, thank you very much." "No problem." I replied. He looked at me again and sez, "It's empty!" I replied, "I know, it's meant to be a chimney pot."

Nick Clegg phoned The Samaritans and opined, "Everybody hates me, so I'm lying on the railway track at Euston waiting for the train to come". After a minute the voice replied, "Just remain calm Nick and stay on the line.”

A group of old-aged pensioners were sitting around talking about all their ailments at McDonald's.
"My arms have gotten so weak I can hardly lift this cup of tea," said one. "Yes, I know," said another. "My cataracts are so bad; I can't even see my tea." "I couldn't even mark an "X" on polling day, my hands are so arthritic," volunteered a third. "What? Speak up! What? I can't hear you”, said one elderly lady! "I can't move my head because of the pain in my neck," said one, to which several nodded weakly in agreement. "My blood pressure pills make me go doo-lally!" exclaimed another. "I forget where I am, and where I'm going," said another. "I guess that's the price we pay for getting auld," winced an old man as he slowly shook his head. The others nodded in agreement.
"Well, count your Blessings," said a woman cheerfully."Thank God we can all still drive."


I was in our local Tesco, with my significant other, and picked up a case of Stella Artois and plonked it in the trolley. “What do you think you're up to?” screamed the missus. “They're on special offer, only fifteen quid for two dozen bottles” I replied. “Put them back, we can't afford them,” she sniffed, and we carried on shopping. A few aisles further on along, the wife picked up a £30 jar of face cream and put it in the trolley. “What do you think you're doing?” I politely enquired. “It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful” replied the missus. I gazed at her with a saturnine grimace and retorted: “So does twenty four bottles of Stella and they are half the price!”

Apparently, Alan Pardew told his Newcastle United players about the clubs new sponsorship deal with Wonga.com. He sez "Just get out on the pitch and give it 4107%."

I phoned SeaWorld aquarium to buy tickets for this weekend. They said that the call may be recorded for training porpoises...

It was difficult battling with my chronic addiction to the Hokey - Cokey. But I've turned myself around and that's what it's all about...






More Jimmy Savile.....

BBC news channel have just displayed images of the 3 women who claimed that Jimmy Savile interfered with them sexually. They showed a current picture of each of the women and a picture taken from the 1970's, The caption read, now, then, now, then, now, then..........

Coastguards confirm Jimmy Savile is not dead. He's been spotted off the Scarborough coast bobbing up and down on a small buoy.........


To save the police time and money in the ongoing Jimmy Savile investigation, it might be quicker if those who weren't abused by Jimmy Savile come forward..........


I don't believe these allegations against Jimmy Savile. I met him in Leeds General Hospital in the 1980's and he seemed very nice. Next, people will be telling me he wasn't qualified to perform my prostate examination......

Police believe Jimmy Savile is currently part of an underground paedophile ring.........

There's a new cream for young girls to put on their itchy fannies, it's called Savile-on!!

When will these Jimmy Savile sex allegations ever end? Police are now saying Jeremy Beadle may have had a small hand in it........

A mob of dyslexic parents have just kicked the fcuk out of Jimmy Somerville!


I see Jimmy Savile's family have removed his gravestone along with all the flowers growing it as a sign of respect to the victims. So it just leaves a small hole with no bush around it. Just what Jimmy would have wanted......


Wit is often a mask. If you could peer behind its gossamer façade, you would find either genius irritated or cleverness wriggling. That’s why you should never let your mind wander. Summat that small shouldn't be out on its own. Nurse, fetch the screens! Visit my website www.ComedianUK.com or email me: comedianuk@sky.com. Now, assume a comical position, and then strike the pose!

Life from the seat of a tractor. An old Farmer's Words of Wisdom we could all live by.

“Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight  and bull-strong.”  

“Keep skunks and bankers at a  distance.” 

“Life is simpler when you plough around the  stump.” 

“A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John  Deere tractor.”

“Words that soak into your ears are  whispered…....not yelled.” 

“Meanness don't just happen  overnight.” 

“Forgive your enemies; it messes up their  heads.” 

“Do not corner something that you know is meaner than  you.” 

“It don't take a very big person to carry a  grudge.” 

“You cannot unsay a cruel word.” 

“Every  path has a few puddles.” 

"When you wallow with pigs, expect  to get dirty.” 

“The best sermons are lived, not  preached.”
"Most of the stuff people worry about, ain't never gonna  happen anyway.”  

“Don't judge folks by their  relatives."  

“Remember that silence is sometimes the  best answer.” 

“Live a good and honourable life, then when  you get older and think back, 
you'll enjoy it a second time. "  “Don't  interfere with somethin' that ain't bothering you  none.” 

“Timin' has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain  dance.” 

“If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to  do is stop diggin'.”  

"Sometimes you get, and sometimes  you get got."  

“The biggest troublemaker you'll probably  ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every  morning'.”  

“Always drink upstream from the  herd.” 

“Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that  comes from bad judgment.” 

“Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a  whole lot easier than putting' it back in.” 

“If you  get  to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' someone  else's dog around.” 

“Live simply, love generously , care  deeply, speak kindly, and leave the rest to  God.” 

“Don't pick a fight with an old man. If he is  too old to fight, he'll just kill  you.”

So farewell then, Carnival Breeze....

Just back from my final tour of the magnificent Carnival Breeze.  Different gig this time as I wasn't in the Punchliner Comedy Club.  This time I performed my new revue, 'Hi Honey-I'm Home!' to an all-American audience in the Ovation Theatre.  It was very well received and just needs a few more minor adjustments for next year.

Joined the ship at Pisa and departed in Dubrovnik today.

Had the good fortune to meet two brilliant American comics in the comedy club, Steve (Ain't) White and Hank McGauley.  Very funny, I watched them both nights in between my theatre shows.  Both these guys had formidable routines and went down really ace.

Venice is flooded (not a joke!)  so all the itinerary has been altered.  I'll  miss the flagship of the Carnival fleet. I've  had a great time on here since June.  Mennifanx innit!

A Poem innit....

THANKYOU for the flowers, she said,


as she slowly raised her head,


I'm sorry for the things I said last night,


I was wrong, and you were right,


So I forgave her, there and then,


and as we whiled away the hours,

I thought to myself, WOT F***ING FLOWERS!!



www.ComedianUK.com

Sex And Good Grammar....

Barmy Albert was asked, "At your ripe old age, what would you prefer to get - Parkinson's or Alzheimer's?" The wise one answered, "Definitely Parkinson's. It's better to spill half a fluid ounce of Cabernet Sauvignon, than to forget where you put the bottle!!

*****************************************

On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man, and wondered what he was in for.

The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, 'This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3.' When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want."

The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"

"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.

When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men.

His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes,and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.

Kids of today....

The teacher takes the register in class:

"Mustafa El Ekh Zeri?" "Here."

"Achmed El Kabul?" "Here."

"Fatima Al Chadoury? " "Here."

"Abdul Alu Ohlmi?" "Here."

"Mohammed Ibn Achrha?" "Here."

"Mi Cha El Mey Er" Silence in the classroom.

"Mi Cha El Mey Er" Continued silence as everyone looked around the room.

She repeated,

"Is there any child here called Mi Cha El Mey Er ?"

A boy puts his hand up and says, "Sorry teacher. I think that's me.

It's pronounced Michael Meyer."

Jimmy Savile - Now, then, now, then, now then....

Two female radio presenters claim that they were groped on air by Dave Lee Travis.

One was asked 'Were you grabbed by the Hairy Cornflake?'

'No the tits' she replied...

Staff at Stoke Mandeville Hospital have banned Santa Claus from the childrens ward this forthcoming Christmastide. Apparently, letting a man in with white hair, outrageous clothing and a full sack was thought to be wholly inappropriate!

George Clooney is to make a filum about the life of Jimmy Savile. It's gonna be called, 'Oh, She's Eleven!'

More BBC scandal! Witnesses have said they saw the late Rod Hull with his arm up a young bird!!

Married for 70 years!

An elderly couple were invited to an old friend’s home for dinner one evening. She was impressed by the way her lady friend preceded every request to her husband with endearing terms such as: Honey, my Love, darling, sweetheart, etc.

The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love. While the husband was in the living room, her lady friend leaned over to her hostess to say, 'I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your husband all those loving names.' The elderly lady hung her head, 'I have to tell you the truth,' she said, 'his name slipped my mind about 10 years ago, and I'm scared to death to ask the cranky old arsehole what his name is.'

Sex Therapy?

A middle-aged man and woman, both in their early 50's, walk into a sex therapist's office.

The doctor asks, “What can I do for you?”

The man says, “Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?”

The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such a mature couple are asking for sexual advice, that he agrees.

When the couple finishes, the doctor says, “There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse.” He thanks them for coming, wishes them good luck,
charges them £50, and says good bye.

A week later the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again.

The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.

This happens several weeks in a row. The couple make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.

Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, “I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?”

The man says, “We're not trying to find out anything.

She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges
£98. The Hilton charges £139. We do it here for £50, and I get £43 back from BUPA.”

Jimmy Savile Latest!

BBC News 24 channel have just displayed images of the five women who have claimed that Sir Jimmy Savile allegedly interfered with sexually. It showed a current picture of each of the women and a picture taken of each of them from the 1970's. The caption read: Now, then. Now, then. Now, then.


"Now then,  now then, now then. 'As it ' 'appens. 'Ow's about that then there, guys and gals. Welcome to another edition of Top of the Pops.  Straight in at thirteen .... Me!"


Can't wait for Hallowe'en! When them 'trick or treaters' come a-knockin' at the door, I'll open it with me new costume consisting of blond wig, track suit, sunglasses, cigar & bling and frighten the little f***ers to death!


More BBC scandal! Witnesses have said they saw the late Rod Hull with his arm up a young bird!!


Q) Why did the wife cross the road?
A) To go back into the same shoe shop that she went in three f***ing hours ago!!


ʇno ʇı ɯoɥʇɐɟ oʇ ƃuıʎɹʇ 'punoɹɐ puɐ punoɹɐ ǝuoɥdı ɹǝɥ ƃuıuɹnʇ uǝǝq s,ǝɥs ƃuıuɹoɯ sıɥʇ ןןɐ ˙uʍop ǝpısdn uǝʇʇıɹʍ sı ʇɐɥʇ ǝƃɐssǝɯ sıɥʇ snssıɯ ǝɥʇ ʇuǝs ı

I forgot my key this morning, so I texted the missus and asked her to hide it under a plant pot for me so I could get back into the house. "No problem," the stoopid woman texted back, "I've put it under the one on the kitchen table."

I hate auto-correct! You always end up posting sum thong you didn't Nintendo!
A pal of mine was a hoarder. Every single inch of space in his house was crammed with stuff, because he was unable to throw anything away. Then I introduced him to heroin, the house is now completely empty. Result!!

Jeremy Forrest. One morning he's taking the register. The next day he's on it!

A fella armed with a pistol walks into a pub and snarls, "Who the f**k had sex with my wife last night?" This voice was heard in the background, "You don't have enough bullets, mate!"


It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Cokey. But I've turned myself around & that's what its all about.

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Tesco’s. The husband picks up a case of Stella and puts it in their trolley.   'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife. 'They're on sale, only £15 for 24 bottles’ he replies.   'Put them back, we can't afford them’ demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along, the woman picks up a £30 jar of face cream and puts it in the trolley.
‘What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband. 'It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful' replies the wife.   Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 bottles of Stella and it's half the price.’


A new Middle East crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'. A spokesman for the channel said. “A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour, but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi do.”


Saw my mate outside the Doctor's today looking really worried.  "What's the matter?" I asked.
"I've got the big C,"he said.   "What, cancer?"  "No, dyslexia."


What's all this nonsense about that 66-year-old Romanian woman being the world's oldest mum? My mum's 77. Beat that.


The person who coined the phrase "as different as chalk and cheese" obviously hadn't tasted Lidl's cheddar.


If, as Freddie Mercury claimed, fat bottomed girls make the rocking world go round, isn't it about time that the city of Glasgow received some recognition for its contribution to astrophysics? I think we should be told!


A violinist was convinced that he could use his musical talent to tame wild animals. So, violin in hand, he travelled to the heart of the African jungle to prove it.  No sooner had he begun to play than the jungle clearing was filled with animals of all kinds gathering to hear him play. Birds, lions, hippos, elephants - all stood around, entranced by his beautiful music. Just then, a crocodile crept out of a nearby river and into the clearing, and - snap!- gobbled up the violinist.  The other animals were extremely angry. "What on earth did you do that for?" they demanded.   "Eh?" said the crocodile, cupping its hand to its ear.

An insurance salesman was trying to persuade a housewife to buy a life insurance policy. "Just imagine if your husband was to die tomorrow," he said. "What would you get?"  "Oh, a Labrador dog, I think," replied the housewife. "They're so well-behaved.

Bigamy: one wife too many;    Monogamy; same thing.


Two Australian businessmen in Brisbane were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with no stock and only a few shelves set .  One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some idiot tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling' .
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious Japanese tourist walked to the window, had a peek, and in a thick Japanese accent asked 'What you sell?'   One of the men replied sarcastically, 'We're selling ass-holes.' Without skipping a beat, the Japanese man said, 'You doing velly well, only two left!'

Wit is often a mask. If you could peer behind its gossamer façade, you would find either genius irritated or cleverness wriggling. That’s why you should never let your mind wander. Something that small shouldn't be out on its own. Nurse, fetch the screens! Visit my website www.ComedianUK.com or email me: comedianuk@sky.com. Now, assume a comical position, and then strike the pose!