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Monday 15 March 2010

Man City Nil..

My mole at Eastlands informs me that Man City manager Roberto Mancini managed to raise a smile when he explained how he was going to improve his already half-decent English. "I apologise for my English," he said. "It is not perfect but I intend to improve it by watching Coronation Street" It's working. He's already started saying, "Flamin' Nora, our Viera."

On the same subject, a Man City supporter waxes lyrical:

There was a girl from Stockport,

Her name was Hazel Grove,

She started supporting City,

When she was eight years old,

She’s been to nearly every match,

She’s only missed a few,

She’s never seen them win a cup,

And now she’s forty-two!

Our local Household Waste Disposal and Civic Amenity Site, (why don't they just say ‘tip’) has closed recently and we must now make a 35 mile round trip to the next nearest one. Last week, I bought a new fridge and to get rid of the old fridge, I put it in the front garden and hung a sign on it saying: 'Working Fridge - Free to good home. You want it, you take it.' For two days the fridge sat there without anyone looking twice. I eventually decided that people were too distrustful of this scenario. So I changed the sign to read: 'Fridge for sale £20.' The next day someone nicked it!

My 12-year-old daughter Susannah asked me, “What was your favourite 'fast food' when you were growing up?” “We didn't have fast food when I was growing up,” I informed her. “All the food was slow.” “C'mon, seriously. Where did you eat?”
”It was at a place called home,”' I explained. “Mum cooked every day and when Dad got home from work, we sat down together at the dining room table, and if I didn't like what she put on my plate, I was allowed to sit there until I did like it.”
By this time, the lass was laughing so hard I was afraid she was going to suffer serious internal damage, so I didn't tell her the part about how I had to have permission to leave the table.

Many people cannot comprehend why UK oil reserves are rapidly diminishing and we have very little oil left. Let me explain. Our oil reserves are situated in the North Sea, whereas our dipsticks are in Westminster. Now do you understand?

Got a text from Barmy Albert yesterday. It read: Just driving my new Toyota Prius. Chat later. Can’t stop. Well at least he’ll find out if the airbag works!

Tried to do a bit of that ‘Cage Fighting’ last week. Anyone know where I can buy a replacement budgerigar?

This week: I've got a new plasma TV. Its ADD-HD. I can't watch it for very long. Last week: I went to a funeral and caught the wreath! Want more hilarious diatribes? Then visit my Jokey-Blog via or better still, gizza tweet on Twitter! Be happy and cheer up coz the bleak midwinter is gone and spring is a-comin.’

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