I got the test results back from the hospital yesterday. The consultant reckons that I have summat very, very rare. I asked him what it was and he said “A bed”.
No, seriously folks! He thinks I might have contracted Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis, but its hard to say at the moment.
My next-door neighbour, Barmy Albert is most upset. He has lost his dog and is inconsolable. The canine in question has been on the missing list for well over a week. I strongly advised Albert to put an ad in the paper, in an effort to ascertain the errant woofers whereabouts. When I went round to see him yesterday, Barmy Albert informed me that there had been no response whatsover. I asked him exactly what wording he used in the advertisement and he replied “Come here boy!”
He was most attached to his dog though. It was one of those Jack Russell types and was always jumping up at you when you visited. I went round to see Albert a couple of weeks ago and he offered me a dish of his home made vegetable soup. The dog was going mental and doing virtual somersaults, cartwheels and back-flips during my brief visit. I asked Albert why the animal was so highly-strung and Albert laconically replied “You’ve got his bowl.”
Dog Joke Of The Week: This guy sees a sign in front of a house "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back yard. The guy goes into the back yard and sees a mutt sitting there.” You talk?" he asks."Yep," the mutt replies.” So, what's your story? "The mutt looks up and says "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told MI5, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies, cause no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired." The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. The owner says "Eight quid." The fella says he'll buy him, but asks the owner, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him?" The owner replies, "He's such a f@*%ing liar."
If I could offer you some advice for the future: Dance like you are mortally wounded. Love like you need the money. Work when people are watching. Dress up in Lycra. Always leave a false name. Be legendary. Believe in Karma.If at first you don’t succeed, then redefine success. Need more info? Then click on www.ComedianUK.com or gizza tweet on twitter.com/comedianuk. Now, get back to work, strike the pose and assume a comical position.
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