After last weeks budget, our local burger bar has launched the new Alastair Darling Value Meal. Order anything you like,and the fella behind you has to pay for it!



With the General Election looming up in the not too distant future, at last Gordon Brown decided to throw the towel in and resign. His cabinet colleagues decided it would be a worthy gesture to name a railway locomotive after him.

So Alastair`Darling´ (he of the magnificent eyebrows) went from Whitehall to the National Railway Museum at York, to investigate the possibilities.
"We have a number of locomotives at the NRM without names," a specially sought NRM consultant told the Chancellor. "Mostly freight locomotives though."
"Oh dear, that’s not very fitting for a prime minister," said Alastair, "How about that big green one, over there?" he said, pointing to no. 4472.
"That’s already got a name,” said the consultant. "It’s called `Flying Scotsman´."
"Oh. Couldn’t it not be renamed?" asked Darling. "This is a national museum after all, funded by the taxpayer."
"I suppose it might be considered," said the NRM consultant. "After all the LNER renamed a number of their locomotives after directors of the company, and even renamed one of them The Peter Mandelson Express."
"That’s excellent,” said Alastair Darling, "So that’s settled then. Let’s look at renaming 4472. But how much will it cost? We can’t spend too much, given the expenses scandal!"
Well, said the consultant, "We could always just paint out the `F´"




Jack Sprat was broke and flat, his wife had not a bean,

And so each stood for Parliament, (North) (South) Gretna Green.

Now since they are in Westminster, they now have high pretences,

They were soon shown how to make a load, by fiddling their expenses.

They charged for every platter, all their food and all their drink,

With a "Hazel-Blears-type mortgage, a Jacqui-Smith -sized sink.

They piled the money in their bank, in that they were most zealous,

It would make old Midas's eyebrow raise and Croesus to feel quite jealous.

Their fortunes soared as fees flew in, receipts were wild and weird,

For their Scottish home a second house in Frome,

With both moat and duck pond cleared.

Soon Thomas Legg their cash does beg, but Spratts are sitting pretty,

Its "within the rules" so they've made fools of ' Standards ' House committee.

The PM sighed, Jack and his bride, who once just travelled steerage,

Must elevate, both Sprat and mate, ennobled in the peerage.

And these same, poor Jack and dame, now Lord and Lady we must mention,

Hold status high, and gain thereby,

A large increase in pension.

Let the moral of this story be:

Don't want to be poor? Just become an MP!!

Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances. While attending a Marriage Guidance Weekend, Barmy Albert and his wife, Non-Stick Nora, listened to the instructor declare, 'It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.' He then addressed the men, ’Can you name and describe your wife's favourite flower?' Albert leaned over, touched Nora’s arm gently, and whispered, "Homepride, isn't it?" And thus began Barmy Albert’s life of celibacy.

This weekly humour column may exacerbate chronic halitosis, mental aberration, repetitive spasmodic squinting! For further jocular clarification, why not visit my Jokey-Blog! Just clickety-click on www.ComedianUK.com

Email me at: comedianuk@sky.com. It’s warming up quite nicely innit!