Stage 1 - CLEVER
This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known
universe. You know you know everything and you want to pass on your
knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always right
and, of course, the person you are talking to is very wrong.
This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are CLEVER.
Stage 2 - ATTRACTIVE
This is when you realise that you are the most ATTRACTIVE person in the
entire bar and that everyone fancies you. You can go up to a perfect
stranger knowing that they fancy you and really want to talk to you.
Bear in mind that you are still CLEVER, so you can talk to this person
about any subject under the sun.
Stage 3 - RICH (Does not apply to 5 euros) This is when you suddenly
become the RICHEST person in the room. You can buy drinks for the entire
bar because you have a bottomless wallet. You can also make bets at this
stage because of course you are still CLEVER so, naturally, you will
always win. Anyway, it doesn't matter how much you bet because you are
RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, in the
knowledge that you are clearly the most ATTRACTIVE person present.
Stage 4 - INVINCIBLE
You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone, especially
those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because you
are now INVINCIBLE. At this point you can also go up to the partners of
the people who you fancy and challenge them to a battle of wits or
strength. You have no fear of losing this battle, because as well as
being INVINCIBLE you are CLEVER, you're RICH and you're more ATTRACTIVE
than them anyway.
Stage 5 - INVISIBLE
This is the final stage of drunkenness. At this point you can do
anything, because you are now INVISIBLE. You can dance on a table to
impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the
room cannot see you. You can also snog the face off them for the same
reason. You are also INVISIBLE to the people who want to fight you. You
can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no
one can see or hear you and because you're still CLEVER you know all the
THE FIVE STAGES OF SOBERING UP
Stage 1 - STUPID
As you regain consciousness and begin to enjoy the headache, the
churning stomach and the cold sweats, you realise that you have lost not
only several hours of your life but also the ability to concentrate on
anything whatsoever. You are now STUPID and will remain so for a minimum
of 12 hours.
Stage 2 - UGLY
Never entirely happy with the effects of the bathroom mirror first thing
you are horrified to discover that you have now become even UGLIER than
you previously thought possible. Not only have you got bloodshot eyes
and a glorious collection of spots but you are shaking so much that your
grandfather probably looks healthier. Unfortunately you are still too
STUPID to know better than to try and shave whilst shaking.
Stage 3 - POOR
Having crawled out of bed and got dressed you are about to shamble out
the door when you discover that the money that was to last you the week
is now missing from your wallet. Being STUPID, you have no idea what
happened to it but the traces of curry on your clothes allow the
possibility that you might have treated everyone to a takeaway at some
point. Alternatively your pocket could have been picked or you might
have given the taxi driver a fifty pound note by mistake. Rationalising
that you couldn't possibly have been that STUPID and that you would
remember being robbed, you come to believe that you were the only one
who bought any food or drinks all night and start to loathe all your
Stage 4 - FRAGILE
As you are now STUPID, UGLY and POOR, your consequently FRAGILE
self-esteem plummets. Your already FRAGILE physical condition ensures
that you feel liable to shatter if anyone even speaks to you.
Stage 5 - CONSPICUOUS
This is the final stage of sobering up. Unfortunately, everyone can spot
this CONSPICUOUS condition and its cause from a great distance. Even
worse, they know that they can complete your misery by making fun of
you, and that you are too STUPID to retaliate, too FRAGILE to hit them,
too POOR to bribe them and too UGLY to hide.
THE HANGOVER RATING SYSTEM
1 Star Hangover *
No pain. No real feeling of illness. You slept in your own bed and when
you woke up there were no traffic cones in there with you. You are still
able to function relatively well on the energy stored up from all those
vodka redbulls. However, you can drink 10 bottles of water and still
feel as parched as the Sahara. Even vegetarians are craving a
Cheeseburger and side of fries.
2 Star Hangover * *
No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you
have the attention span and mental capacity of a stapler. The coffee you
hug to try and remain focused is only exacerbating your rumbling gut,
which is craving a full English breakfast. Although you have a nice
demeanour about the office, you are costing your employer valuable money
because all you really can handle is some light filing, followed by
aimlessly surfing the net and writing junk e-mails.
3 Star Hangover * * *
Slight headache. Stomach feels crap. You are definitely a space cadet
and not so productive. Anytime a girl or lad walks by you gag because
her perfume / aftershave reminds you of the random gin shots you did
with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer kicked you out at 3:45a.m.
Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a dozen
doughnuts and a litre of coke watching daytime TV. You've had 4 cups of
coffee, a gallon of water, 2 Sausage Rolls and a litre of diet coke yet
you haven't peed once.
4 Star Hangover * * * *
You have lost the will to live. Your head is throbbing and you can't
speak too quickly or else you might spew. Your boss has already
lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of
booze. You wore nice clothes, but you smell of socks, and you can't hide
the fact that you either missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving, or it
looks like you put your make-up on while riding the dodgems (depending
on your gender). Your teeth have their own individual sweaters. Your
eyes look like one big vein and your hairstyle makes you look like a
reject from the second-grade class picture circa 1976. You would give a
weeks pay for one of the following; home time, a doughnut and somewhere
to be alone or a time machine so you could go back and NOT have gone out
the night before. You scare small children in the street just by walking
5 Star Hangover * * * * *
You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the
employee who sits next to you. Vodka vapour is seeping out of every pore
and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of
your mouth from brushing your teeth. Your body has lost the ability to
generate saliva, so your tongue is suffocating you. You'd cry but that
would take the last of the moisture left in your body. Death seems
pretty good right now. Your boss doesn't even get mad at you and your
co-workers think that your dog just died because you look so pathetic.
You should have called in sick because, let's face it, all you can
manage to do is breathe......very gently.
6 Star Hangover * * * * * *
You arrive home and climb into bed. Sleep comes instantly, as you were
fighting it all the way home in the taxi. You get about 2 hours sleep
until the noises inside your head wake you up. You notice that you bed
has been cleared for take off and is flying relentlessly around the
room. No matter what you do you now, you're going to chuck. You stumble
out of bed and now find that your room is in a yacht under full sail.
After walking along the skirting boards on alternating walls knocking
off all the pictures, you find the toilet. If you are lucky you will
remember to lift the lid before you spontaneously explode and wake the
whole house up with your impersonation of walrus mating calls. You sit
there on the floor in your undies, cuddling the only friend in the world
you have left (the toilet), randomly continuing to make the walrus
noises, spitting, and farting. Help usually comes at this stage, even if
it is short lived. Tears stream down your face and your abdomen hurts.
Help now turns into abuse and he/she usually goes back to bed leaving
you there in the dark. With your stomach totally empty, your spontaneous
eruptions have died back to 15-minute intervals, but your body won't
relent. You are convinced that you are starting to turn yourself inside
out and swear that you saw your tonsils projectile out your mouth on the
last occasion. It is now dawn and you pass your disgusted partner
getting up for the day as you try to climb into bed.
She /He abuses you again for trying to get into bed with lumpy bits of
dried vomit in your hair. You reluctantly accept their advice and have a
shower in exchange for them driving you to the hospital. Work is not an
option. The whole day is spent trying to avoid anything that might make
you sick again, like moving. You vow never to touch a drop again and who
knows for the next two or three hours at least you might even succeed.