Thursday, 29 December 2011
Roger , 85, married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old .
Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their
wedding she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is
concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they
spend the entire night together.
After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the
expected knock on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door
opens and there is Roger, her 85 year old groom, ready for action.
They unite as one. All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, and
she prepares to go to sleep.
After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door,
and it's Roger. He is ready for more action. Somewhat surprised,
Jenny consents. When the newly-weds are done, Roger kisses his bride,
bids her a fond good night and leaves.
She is set to go to sleep again but, aha, you guessed it - Roger is
back again, rapping on the door and is as fresh as a 25-year-old,
ready for more action, which they enjoy once more.
But as Roger gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I
am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and
so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were
only good once. You are truly a great lover, Roger.'
Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: 'You mean I
have been in here before?'
Don't be afraid of getting old, Alzheimer's has its advantages.
PS. Have I already sent this to you ?
Just found out my grandad has dementia. I just hope and pray that it doesen't run in the family, because my grandad has got it as well.
The singer Glen Campbell has the dreaded malady of dementia too. Apparently, he's getting cards and letters from people he don't even know!
Monday, 19 December 2011
Breaking News: Kim Jong il has died. For all those morons who haven't a clue about what goes on in our global village, she was the leader of North Korea.
I attended the funeral of Kim Jong il in North Korea over the weekend. I couldn't understand a word they were saying. The buffet afterwards however, was the dogs bollocks.
Sunday, 18 December 2011
When travelling in extreme weather conditions, the government advises you that you should carry a shovel, a hazard light, a first aid kit, warm blankets, a flask and a non-perishable food hamper. I must admit, I looked a right tosser on the bus this morning.
Regarding the need to carry a shovel. A Poem: I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig. It's not a beautiful poem, but it's very deep.
Last Christmas, my grandfather was feeling rather ill, so the doctor advised us to rub brandy butter all over him. He went downhill really fast after that.
There were two blondes who went deep into the frozen woods searching for a Christmas tree. After hours of subzero temperatures and a few close calls with hungry wolves, one blonde turned to the other and said, "I'm chopping down the next tree I see. I don't care whether it's decorated or not!"
I went back to see the doctor yesterday. I informed him, "When I applied the Hemorrhoid ointment that you gave me this morning, I got a very nasty reaction." "Where exactly did you apply it?" he asked. I replied, "On the bus."
Barmy Albert phoned work this morning and said, "Sorry boss, I can't come in today, I have a wee cough." He said, "You have a wee cough?" Albert replied, "Really? Cheers boss, see you next week!"
There was a big fight over the Christmas holidays. Apparently, a Bandit called Rocky went Crackers, and hit a Penguin over the head with a Club tied him to a Wagon Wheel with a Blue Ribband, then made his Breakaway in a Taxi. Police say Rocky was last seen just After Eight by a Viscount from Maryland, Hob- Nobbing with a Ginger Nut. Two accomplices, one known as Garybaldi and the other known only as Rich T. Unfortunately, they don’t have a crumb of evidence, so the Jammie Dodger might get away with it! Christmas Crackers!
The High Court in London has ruled that there cannot be a nativity scene in the Houses of Parliament this Christmas. This isn't for any religious reason. They simply have not been able to find Three Wise Men. There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.
When I was 5 yrs old, we were so poor, I remember coming downstairs on Christmas morning and there were two AAA batteries under the tree and a note saying: "Toys Not Included".
Thought for Thursday: This Christmas, be thankful for the bad things in life, for they open your eyes to the good things you weren't paying attention to before.
If you see a fat man, who’s jolly and cute, wearing a beard and a red flannel suit. And if he is laughing and chuckling away, whilst flying around in a miniature sleigh, with eight tiny reindeer to pull him along, then let’s face it, you’re bladdered! Gerroff home! A merry Christmas to all my readers. Visit my Krimbo Jokey-Blog: www.ComedianUK.com Now, get shovelling that snow!
Friday, 16 December 2011
Last Friday, I worked with Ray Parlour at the Grimsby Round Table Annual Christmas Dinner. The audience were with us all the way, but we managed to shake 'em off at the railway station. Ace night!
Monday, 12 December 2011
This morning, the missus sat me down at the breakfast table and then came the bad news. "This will be the last time I'm carrying you down all those stairs, you lazy cretin." Some folk just have no sense of humour whatsoever.
I hear on the grapevine that Disneyland Paris will have some stiff competition (literally) next year when the rival Dominique Strauss-Kahn Theme Park opens. Apparently, you'll get a ride, whether you want one or not....
In Christmas past, during my teenage years, I recollect that a girlfriend wrote on a balloon, "Will you propose to me?" I immediately popped the question. Sorted!
Dear Santa, please can I have a really fat bank balance and a slim woman. Please don’t mix these two up just like you did last Christmas. I've been good all year. Well most of the year. Okay f**k it, I'll buy my own presents.
My missus asked me, "What did you buy me for Christmas?" "Well," I chuckled. "You see that pink Mercedes over there?” "Yes," she said cheerily. "Well I bought you a hairbrush the exact same colour." I said, “I’m only joking, your present is under the tree." "Ooh what is it?" She said excitedly. "A root" I replied.
I was at a Christmas party when the DJ suddenly announced, “all the married men out there go and stand by the person who makes your life worth living”. The barman was nearly crushed to death! The barman said to me: "Your glass is empty. Do you want another one?" I looked at him and replied, "Why would l want two empty glasses?"
I was watching ‘Santa Claus The Movie’ yesterday, when suddenly, the missus walked in, pressed the eject button, then took the DVD out and went back into the scullery. I asked, "Why did you do that?" She sez, "The instructions on this bolognese pasta clearly says, 'Remove film before placing in oven.’ Blondes. Doncha just love 'em?
It was Christmas Eve and the judge was not in a very merry mood. He asked the prisoner, "What are you charged with?" The prisoner replied, "Doing my Christmas shopping too early." "That’s no crime," said the judge. "Just how early were you doing this shopping?" "Before the shop opened," answered the prisoner.
If you’re singing Christmas songs on your neighbour’s lawn at night with your church group, it’s called “carol singing,” but if you’re doing it alone on the High St wearing a Santa outfit, it’s called “drunk and disorderly.” Moreover, I've put my Christmas declarations up yesterday. When I say declarations, it's a sign I put on the front door saying 'Carol Singers F**K Off'.
Did you ever realise that a woman's "I'll be ready in five minutes" and a man's "I'll be home from the pub in five minutes" are both an identical chronological timespan? Fascinating!
Angry wife on phone to her husband: "Where the hell are you?" Husband: "Darling, remember that jewellery shop where you saw the diamond and totally fell in love with it, but I didn't have the money at the time to buy it and said one day it will be yours?" Wife: "With a blushing smile, yes I remember that my love". Husband: "Well, I'm in the pub next to that shop"
You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren’t going to do anything productive for the rest of the day. Whenever this occurs, I write this column! You can visit my Jokey~Blog too! Just clickety-click on: www.ComedianUK.com You can email me: email@example.com
Wednesday, 7 December 2011
Arriving in a hotel in Dublin, he went to the bar and asked for a pint of draught Guinness. The barman nodded and said, "That will be one euro please, Mr. O'Leary."
Somewhat taken aback, O'Leary replied, "That's very cheap" and handed over his money.
"Well, we try to stay ahead of the competition", said the barman. "But you don't seem to have a glass, so you'll need one of ours. That will be another 3 euros."
O'Leary grimaced, but paid up. He took his drink and walked towards a seat. "Oh, so you want to sit down?" said the barman. "That's another 2 euros, and actually, I see that you didn't pre-book the seat, so in fact it will be another 4...
O'Leary swore to himself, but paid up. "I see that you want to bring that laptop with you" added the barman. "And since that wasn't pre-booked either, that will be another 3 Euros"
O'Leary was so pissed off that he walked back to the bar, slammed his drink on the counter, and yelled, "This is a f***ing rip-off, I want to speak to the manager".
"That's fine, but you can only contact him by email", said the barman. "And by the way, that will be another 2 euros for use of the counter. And unless you are going to wash the glass yourself, that will be another 3ˆ It will be another 3 to use the washroom and make sure you tidy up all the area before you leave”....
Have a nice day......
Monday, 5 December 2011
This missus sez to me: "Can I ask you a very serious question? But you must answer clearly with a yes or no". Hesitating somewhat, and fearing a loaded riposte, I replied, "Alright, go on then". Immediately, she retorted, "Why are you always making jokes about blondes?"
Good fortune does indeed shine on Stevie Bruce. He gets sacked as manager of Sunderland on the last day of November, knowing full well that on the first day of December every department store in the world will be looking for a jolly, fat bloke with a penchant for wearing red & white. You couldn’t make it up! Could you?
Barmy Albert shouts frantically down the phone "My wife is pregnant and her contradictions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" asked the nurse. "No", declared Albert, "this is her husband!"
I drove past a couple of them lazy, bone idle strikers last Wednesday. I wound the car window down and shouted "Get back to work and do your job properly!" I couldn't make out what Torres said, but Andy Carroll told me to f**k off...
If you find a shell at the seaside, then take it home, sit on the sofa and hold it closely to your ear. You’ll discover that you can still hear the wife nagging through the other ear. Fascinating!
Stopped over at Keele Services on the M6 last night. Got a cup of coffee, a ham sandwich and a packet of crisps. At the checkout, I declared “Sorry love, I’ve only got a £50 note.” She looked at me and replied, “You’ll have to put the crisps back then”. Incredible!
10 Thoughts For Those Who Take Life Far Too Seriously....
1) Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
2) A day without sunshine is like, night.
3) 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
4) 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5) He who laughs last, doesn’t really get the joke.
6) Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
7) Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
8) Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your week.
9) A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory
10) Inside every older person, is a younger person wondering what happened!
A man on trial for armed robbery, stood up to hear the verdict from the jury. "We, the jury," announced the foreman, "find the defendant....Not guilty!" The man jumped up, embraced his solicitor and asked, "Does this mean I gets to keep the money”...
Thought for Thursday: Give a man a gun and he can rob a bank, give a man a bank and he can rob the world and receive a handsome bonus payment for his scurrilous activities.
The Wikipedia definition of "paraprosdokian": A figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently used in a humorous situation." "Where there's a will, I want to be in it" is a type of paraprosdokian. Okay, so now consider visiting my Jokey-Blog for more exercise to your guffaw glands! Just clickety-click on www.ComedianUK.com and regenerate your chuckle muscles. Email me: firstname.lastname@example.org