Ladies! Listen up! You say that you want to meet a man who’s funny and spontaneous. However, when you rap on their window at midnight wearing a clown costume, suddenly, it’s all screaming and throwing a tantrum and police sirens and restraining orders!
Fascinating Fact: Did you know the first French city to have more than one public toilet was Toulouse...
The good news is that the Americans are going to the moon. The bad news is, there's only room for four of them on the spaceship.
Storm Dave has been re-named after a mistake at the Meteorological Office. It's actually Storm Rodney......
TOP TIP: When the Jehovah's Witnesses call, engage them in conversation, but whatever they say, pretend you’re talking to a local councillor and complain about the bins not being emptied, potholes in the road, dog poo on the pavement, and not cutting the grass verges anymore. They’ll think you’re pots for rags and soon have it away on their toes.
I want to advise all my readers that if anyone wants any copies of Osteopath Weekly, I have back issues....
When he made a terrible mistake, or a glaring error, what did the inventor of the drawing board go back to?
With the price of fuel these days, I thought I'd do a runner from the garage. So, I put in £50 worth and drove off without paying. Got caught, though. I'd run out of petrol before I left the forecourt.
Albert Einstein dies and goes to heaven. God greets him warmly and says, "Albert, we are all very impressed with your life's work. As a reward, you can ask me for anything you want to know."
Einstein says, "I spent my entire life trying to unify quantum mechanics and general relativity, but I never succeeded. Please, can you show me the true formula that governs the entire universe?"
"Of course," God smiles, and conjures a chalkboard covered in an incredibly complex equation.
Einstein studies the massive formula intently. Suddenly, he points at a section and gasps, "Wait... there's a mistake right here!" God nods, "I know."
I asked Arnold Schwarzenegger what his fave holiday was, and he told me: “Has to be Easter, baby…”
As Non-Stick Nora’s son proudly handed her a new grandchild, she asked him if he knew the difference between a cranky two-year-old kid and a duckling. Somewhat perplexed, he replied: “No. What?” Nora chuckled: “One is a whiny toddler, whereas the other is a tiny waddler!”
Barmy Albert sauntered into The Pitt Bull and Stanley knife pub and shouted: “All Manchester United fans are wankers!” This huge bloke at the bar shouted: “I take offence at that!” Albert asked him, “Are you a Manchester United fan?” He replied: “No! I’m a Wanker!”
Barmy Albert was being interviewed for the position of Tripe Gouger at Scropton Street Abbatoir and was asked by the boss: “What’s been your greatest achievement in your current job?” Albert told him that he was responsible for several new guidelines in the employee handbook. The boss says: ”That’s most impressive! What inspired you to create those guidelines?” With all the decorum he could rally, Albert replied: “That’s not what I said….”
Octogenarian Tommy Grabknuckle visited his doctor, who was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed him to hear perfectly for the first time in a long time. A month later, he was back for a follow-up consultation. The doctor pronounced, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again." “Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
