Hallowe'en Howlers!

 

                                                               

Non-Stick Nora loves Halloween. The cobwebs in her house look like decorations. So, because of this, she decided to throw an impromptu Halloween fancy dress party with all the gory trimmings! Barmy Albert dressed as Frankenstein and Nora wore a Wanda the Witch costume. Nora was busy in the kitchenette making the meal and was cross that Albert was lounging around watching horror movies on Netflix. She shouted: “I thought that you were gonna help me with the cooking!” Albert (in his best Frankenstein voice) replied: “I did the mash!”

Much later, when everyone had gone home and in a moment of genuine reflection, Barmy Albert asked Nora if she’d slept with any other men before marrying him, but Nora said absolutely nothing. He asked again and still no reply was forthcoming. He then opined: “It’s okay. I won’t be annoyed.” she still maintained her silence. Albert then commented: “‘Look, if you’re uncomfortable talking about it, I’ll understand the situation completely.” By then, he was starting to feel quite awkward and most uncomfortable. After another hour had elapsed, he sez: “Look I’m really sorry I said anything in the first place, just forget I ever asked you.” Finally, she looked up and replied: “I wish you’d just stop talking, because l keep losing count!”

                                             

 

Hallowe'en must be the only day each year when you won't open the door if they DON’T look scary! A young lad knocked on my front door and sez, "Trick or Treat?" I asked, "What have you come as?" He said "A werewolf." I said "But you haven't got a costume on, you're just in jeans and a T-Shirt." He replied, "Well, it's not a full moon yet is it?" I just left him lying there. We live in strange times. Kids run wild and dogs go to obedience school.

Moreover, I hear on the grapevine that Jehovas' Witnesses don't like Hallowe'en at all. They can't stand people knocking on their door and mithering them.

Whilst sauntering up Scropton Street, I always greet every stranger I bump into with ‘Many Happy Returns!’ I do receive copious amounts of blank expressions, however, it's well worth it for the occasional, "How the flamin’ 'ell did you know it was my birthday?" I’ve also been wishing folk ‘Merry Christmas!’ Mark my words, in a couple of months, I guarantee everyone will be saying it...

The clocks go back soon. Gaining us all an extra hour of Kier Starmer and the Labour government in 2024. This will be akin to getting a bonus track on a Yoko Ono album!

                                 

  

Top Ten Signs That You Are Too Old to Be Trick or Treating:

10. You get breathless from knocking on the door.

9. You have to have another kid chew a caramel for you.

8. You ask for high fibre treats only.

7. When someone drops a chocolate bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over.

6. Folk say, "Brilliant Kier Starmer mask!" and you're not wearing a mask.

5. When the door opens you shout: "Trick or..." and can't remember the rest.

4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.

3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hairpiece.

2. You're the only wicked witch in the neighbourhood on a zimmer frame.

1. You avoid going to houses where any of your ex-wives live.


                                

Meanwhile, a man and a woman were travelling in on a train to Stalybridge. Suddenly, the woman sez: "Every time you smile, I feel like taking you over to my place." Bashfully, the bloke replied: "Wow! are you single?" The lady answered: "No, I'm a dentist."



I must confess that the missus can be really cruel to me on some occasions. Yesterday, for instance, she advised me that I mustn’t get upset if somebody calls me fat. Then in the next breath she sez: “You're much bigger than that!"

It's most ironic, is it not that the originator of Big Brother, Peter Bazalgette is the great-great grandson of the Victorian engineer, Joseph Bazalgette, the designer and builder of the London sewage system. Interesting to think that his ancestor devoted his life to extricating the sewage out of people's houses, but his modern-day counterpart is devoted to shovelling it back in!

                                                 

 

I’m sat in the doctors waiting room feeling sorry for myself, when I spotted octogenarian Elsie Grabknuckle. She could hardly walk and was stooped over her walking stick, she took an absolute age to go in. However, when she came out, she was bolt upright and could move at quite a rapid pace. I was totally amazed and I asked her: “What miracle did the doctor perform, to make such an amazing difference?“ She replied: “A longer walking stick…”

Every Hallowe’en, a funeral director that I know, always ties the shoelaces of his clients together, because if there ever really was a zombie apocalypse, then it will be absolutely hilarious! Visit my website www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me:comedianuk@sky.com

                                   

The slovenly harridan in Asda....

 

                                             

Non-Stick Nora visits the doctor worried about Barmy Albert’s frequent petulant outbursts. The doctor asks, "What's the problem?” Nora sez: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day, Albert seems to lose his rag for no apparent reason whatsoever. He’s generally a curmudgeonly sort, but he seems to be getting much worse and I find it all quite disconcerting." The physician replies: "I have a cure for this irascibility and peevishness. When it seems that Albert is getting a tad surly, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms right down.” Two weeks later Nora returns, looking fresh and reborn. Non-Stick Nora announced: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time our Albert started losing the plot, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a mere glass of water do that?" The doctor advised: "The water itself does nothing whatsoever. It's keeping your gob shut that does the trick."



Octogenarian Elsie Grabknuckle shuffled out of Scropton Street Supermarket, overladen with shopping bags and upon returning to her car, found four young males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her pepper spray, proceeding to scream at the top of her voice, "I have a pepper spray and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!" The four lads didn’t wait for a second request. They evacuated the vehicle and legged it quicker than a lodging house tomcat! Elsie, somewhat shaken by all the shenanigans and impromptu kerfuffle, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the boot of the car and then slithered into the driver’s seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then it dawned on her exactly why. For this same reason, she did not understand why there was a football, a frisbee and two packs of lager on the back seat. A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces further down. She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station to report her unfortunate mistake. The desk sergeant to whom she told the story couldn’t stop chortling. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pallid teenage lads were reporting a car-jacking by a crazy, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair and carrying a large can of pepper spray! No charges were filed. MORAL OF THE STORY? If you’re going to have a senior moment, make it a memorable one!

                           

 

Vice-President Kamala Harris was giving President Biden his daily briefing. She concluded by saying: "Yesterday, Mr President, three Brazilian soldiers were killed in an accident" "OH NO!" the President bawls. "That’s terrible!" He then proceeds to weep buckets, and being a tad sken-eyed, (as he is), and the tears rolled down his back. (It’s what you might call ‘Bacteria’ – Geddit!) His entire staff sat stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the great man sits with his head in hands. Finally, the President looks up and asks: "Just how many is a Brazillion?"

A missive to the slovenly woman in Asda, who was wearing her pyjamas and slippers with two screaming kids in tow. If you’re wondering how the condoms appeared in your trolley, thank me later!

I’ve just finished two excellent books that I can recommend to all my readers. The first one is called Childish Retorts by Euan Hoozami and the second one is titled: Fighting on a Narrowboat by R.G. Bargee.

I bought a litre of milk and a wholemeal loaf from Aldi yesterday. It was entirely an impulse buy. I only went in for a two-man tent and an angle grinder.

If you ever reckon that your job is pointless, just remember that there is a bloke in Germany who fits indicators on BMW cars. Blondes simply adore the BMW car, It’s the only one that they can spell! Some years ago, a blonde told me that she was my dream girl. She was right. It was the dream where all your teeth and hair fall out!

Q) How much does a pirate charge for ear piercing?

A) A buccaneer.

                                   

  

I wish that pets lived a lot longer and the cost of living didn’t make life so expensive and that chocolate cake didn’t make you fat and that a lot of people weren’t total idiots, but we can all improve our individual existences by having a chortle and thereby exercising your guffaw glands. If you dare to clickety-click on www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest than all will be in fine fettle. The moon belongs to everyone. Now, get back to work! You can email me too! comedianuk@sky.com

                                 

Barmy Albert's profound epiphany...

 

Well, I'm absolutely flabbergasted! A German has been appointed to manage the England team! I hope that none of the England players mention the VAR!

Non-Stick Nora came home from bingo to find Barmy Albert in the kitchenette shaking frantically, almost in a break-dancing frenzy, with some manner of cable running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a frying pan. Up to that minute, he had been happily listening to Oasis and throwing some shapes to the rendition of Wonderwall on his iPod! This impromptu whack around the cranium caused Albert to experience a profound epiphany. Indeed, the following day, whilst languishing in his local pub, ‘The Pit Bull and Stanley Knife’ He reflected on all the beer he’d larruped down over the decades and reached the obvious conclusion that he imbibed far too much. Upon grim realisation that this situation must be remedied, he decided there and then to become teetotal. Upon gazing into his empty tankard, he felt total and utter shame. Just then, he thought about the brewery workers, such as the coopers that make the barrels and the draymen who deliver them. All the brewers and their underlings who manufacture the finished product, using malt, barley, hops, yeast and many other active constituents and fine ingredients. Moreover, what about all the staff in the accounts, sales and administration departments? If he didn’t pop into his local for a few beers most nights, all these innocent folk would be unemployed. They would lose their homes and families, all because of his own selfish attitude. So, he ordered another beer, rather than ruin folk’s dreams and desires. It would have been wholly inconsiderate and selfish of him to do otherwise. The difference between Barmy Albert and Superman is that Superman has super vision, whereas our Albert needs supervision...

The missus actually apologised to me last week. She confessed that she’s sorry that she ever married me! Of course, any bloke who reckons marriage is a 50-50 proposition, doesn't comprehend two fundamental principles: 1) – Women. 2) – Fractions. Of course, a lot of women say their husband's never listen to them. I must confess that I have never heard my wife say anything of that nature. Unless I wasn’t listening….

                                

The Good News: I got six numbers up on the Eskimo Lottery! The Bad News: They refused to pay me. Apparently, you have to be Inuit to win you it.



Breaking news: A man was injured by a steamroller. Tameside Police are unsure what actually happened as evidence is very thin on the ground. The man was taken to Tameside Hospital and is in Wards 4 – 5 – 6 – 7 and 8.



Non-Stick Nora was in the Scropton Street Launderette and Washerama gossiping to old Elsie Grabknuckle about how the new generation lack any proper common-sense or actual savoir-faire. Nora was entirely in agreement with Elsie’s observations and opined: “They don’t realise that knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit. Whereas, wisdom is not putting it in a trifle…. “ Elsie replied: ““The main problem with the gene pool is there is no lifeguard.”
                                

My 4 year old nephew is learning Spanish but still can’t say please, which I think is poor for four.



Fascinating Fact: Last Thursday, I finished my five hours Speed Awareness Course in just two hours and fifteen minutes. Result!

I put a clean pair of socks on every single day and by the time Thursday comes around, I can't get me boots on! Maybe it’s because I can only sleep on a pile of old magazines. I've got back issues.

While doing a gig last week, I've been told that Joe Pasquale speaks very highly of me.

Got a gardener round the other day to look and give me some advice on my Japanese garden. I sez to him do you know much about Bonsai trees? He replied: “Very little.”

When you’re dead, you personally don’t know that you are deceased, so it doesn’t affect you personally. However, it is very difficult for others. It’s an identical scenario when you are stupid. Moreover, if you want to really know exactly how dead you are, then just put a % mark after your current age. If you want to know how stupid you are, did you vote Labour at the last election? So, now you know!

Have you ever had an overwhelming desire to stand in the centre of the living room and just whizz around in circles, but you were concerned that you’d get quite dizzy? Of course you have. Haven’t we all? Visit my website www.ComedianUK.com and never worry about getting dizzy, when you assume a comical position.

                                         

Shack of Sit.....

                                                      

Chester Draws, the extremely wealthy furniture magnate, who founded the blue-chip chair and sofa manufacturing conglomerate ‘Shack of Sit’ sauntered into the golf and country club with a stunning twentyfive year old beauty by his side. This blonde bombshell left virtually everyone in the room speechless, such was her charm and voluptuous appearance.  She clung onto Chester’s arm like a limpet and was totally transfixed with his every word, as if he was the most fascinating geezer on the planet.  Chester’s old mate Sid pulled him to one side and exclaimed: “How did you land a gorgeous girlfriend like that?” Chester grinned and proclaimed to Sid: “She’s not my girlfriend. She is actually my wife!” All his pals are absolutely staggered by this statement and then Sid asked him: “How in tarnation did you persuade her to marry you?” With a saturnine grimace, Chester declared: “I lied about my age!” Sid asked him: “So, you told her that you were fifty?” Chester chuckled and replied: “No. I told her I was ninety!” 

Breaking News: A 34 stone dad who was told to buy two airplane tickets, has ended up with one in row 18 and another in row 21. Mind you, it won’t matter where he is on the plane, he’ll still be sat next to you!

It looks like it’s going to be a freezing winter this year, because yesterday, I saw Kier Starmer with his hands in his own pockets.   My insider source of information told me that he had a tin of beans and hostages for breakfast. Let’s hope that he can stop the small boats crossing the English Channel as quick as he stopped the pensioners winter fuel allowance. The difference between humans and animals is that animals would never allow the dumbest of the herd to lead them.

On their dream holiday, Non-Stick Nora and Barmy Albert were driving through Canada on their way out west.  After several miles, it became crystal clear that they were hopelessly lost. Nora consulted the road map, but couldn’t figure out where they actually were, such was the vast terrain that they had already navigated. They were driving along a rural boulevard, when they spotted a farmer standing by the roadside.  Albert sez: “I’ll pull over and see if he can help.” Barmy Albert asks the farmer: “My wife and I appear to have taken a wrong turn. Can you help by telling me exactly where we are.” The farmer replies: “Saskatoon, Saskatchewan.” Albert gets back in the car and Nora opined: “Well, where the hell are we?” Albert sez: “I don’t know.  He doesn’t speak English!”

Ladies! Listen up!  If perchance you want flowers on the 14th of February 2025, then plant them now!

                                 

In a quite surreal moment, I found the front grill of a Land Rover in my front garden yesterday morning.  It was a bit of a Discovery….

A hacker called me and said he had all my passwords and PIN numbers.  I got a pen and paper and said “Thank goodness for that. What are they?” It’s terrible.  I’ve got a head like one of those things in the kitchenette that you put flour through….

An Amazon driver stopped and asked me what time it was.  I told him that it was between 9am and 2pm.  Just to prove it, I pulled a watch out of a small, box that was in an even bigger box! On the same subject, I hear that the billionaire owner of Amazon has left his wife.  Presumably, it was with a neighbour.

When I was a tiddler, my favourite teacher at Scropton Street Primary School was Miss Turtle.  She may have had an odd name but she tortoise well.  I fondly recollect when she took us terrapin bowling.

I often wonder about the people that I’ve lost along the way and I’ve come to the conclusion that I should never have become a tour guide…

Fascinating Fact: Apparently, they are filming a remake of Never-Ending Story. It starts off with a bloke asking his missus how her day went. I asked Alexa: “What do women really want?”  That was three days ago and she still hasn’t shut up!

Woman at last night’s gig shouts “You’re uncouth!” A tad unfair, I surmised, but I thought, if I had a pound for every time a woman has called me uncouth, then I’d be considered quite sophisticated.

                                  

BREAKING NEWS: Fire-fighters rescued a blonde girl who became trapped in a tumble dryer at the Scropton Street Launderette and Washerama. She was reportedly unharmed other than being quite dizzy and missing a sock.

Remember that there will always be a ‘LIE’ in Believe, an ‘OVER’ in Lover, an ‘END’ in Friend, an ‘US’ in Trust and an ‘IF’ in Life.  More profound factoids and hilarious anecdotal gubbins can be located on my website.  Just clickety-click on www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest. It really does not matter how far you push the envelope, it will still be stationery. Now, get back to work!