I'm retired in the sense that I was tired yesterday and am tired again today.... zzzzzzz

 

                            

I just purchased a mega 75 inch TV, with surround sound and state-of -the -art technology gubbins in readiness to watch the Premier League next season. Imagine my surprise when I opened the box and there’s no Leeds! It's an ADHD television.  I can't watch it for very long...



After being married for over thirty years Barmy Albert announced to Non-Stick Nora: "Thirty years ago we had a dilapidated house, a banger of a car, we kipped on a pull-out sofa bed and watched a 20 inch black and white television, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 23-year-old girl. Nowadays, I have a £300,000 home, a £15,000 car, a nice big King-size bed and a large screen 52" Plasma, with surround sound TV, but I'm sleeping with a 63-year-old not-so-hot woman, with a face like a pirates flag. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things." Non-Stick Nora is a very reasonable woman. She told Albert to go out and find a hot 23-year-old chick and she would make sure that he would once again be living in a dilapidated house, driving a scrap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 20 inch black and white TV.

                                     

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defence attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the police officer’s credibility.

Q: ‘Officer — did you see my client fleeing the scene?’

A: ‘No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several streets away.’

Q: ‘Officer, who provided this description?’

A: ‘The officer who responded to the scene.’

Q: ‘A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?’

A: ‘Yes, sir. With my life.’

Q: ‘With your life? Let me ask you this then. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?’

A: ‘Yes sir, we do.’

Q: ‘And do you have a locker in the room?’

A: ‘Yes, sir, I do indeed.’

Q: ‘And do you have a lock on your locker?’

A: ‘Yes, sir.’

Q: ‘Now, why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?’

A: ‘You see, sir, we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.’ The courtroom imploded with raucous laughter, and a prompt recess was called.



                                               

This trend of moronic fans running onto the football pitches has to stop. It's only gonna be a matter of time until someone does it at Old Trafford and gets man of the match.



Top Tip: This summer at barbeques and other outdoor family gatherings, in order to avoid being bothered by swarms of wasps, put a blob of jam on a small child.



It would appear that thousands of us are intrigued by our past and have been looking to the Internet to research and compile a family tree. Apparently, some folk can trace their family back 300 years, but can’t tell you where their children are tonight.



I Never trust a person who doesn't like dogs. But I always trust a dog that doesn't like a person. Moreover, thank goodness we married men have dogs to talk to.



"I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug." She won’t stop moaning at me for spending £30 on a fake Rolex. She's been nagging since 1.92 o'clock.



I'm retired in the sense that I was tired yesterday and am tired again today.



I was walking the dogs around the reservoirs and I came across an old abandoned suitcase containing a fox and her four cubs. I phoned the RSPCA on my mobile and told the lady about my discovery. She asked me: “Are they moving?” I told her that I wasn’t sure, but that would certainly explain the suitcase! Later on, I heard a woodpecker tap out in Morse Code that I am paranoid.



My wife and I had a horse-drawn wedding. It was a disaster. We should have just hired a photographer.



News Flash! Chris Tarrant kidnapped by Fern Britton. Britton’s Got Tarrant.



An alien walks into Wetherspoons. The barman asks: "Pint of bitter?" No thanks," sez the alien, "I'm into Stella."



Don't let stress kill you off! Why not let me help? By reading this column regularly you will exercise your guffaw glands and laugh at all the fine jokes, superb entertainment and gracious hostility. Why not visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com or better still email me: comedianuk@sky.com Now, get back to work!

Have you noticed the striking resemblance of the late Cardew 'The Cad' Robinson and former Post Office C.A.D Paula Vennells and wonder if they might be related cad-wise?

Wit is aften a mask....

                                            

We spend our entire existence constantly on the move, wandering aimlessly from one destination, then to another, keeping appointments and observing what time it is and ensuring that we are punctual. The time we get out of bed is governed by the clock and we sleep by the clock, get up again, go to work and then eventually we retire.  And what do they give us? A flamin’ clock!   This is not a wind up!

 

I went to the jewellers and sez to the lady behind the counter: “I need a battery, so I can tell the time.”  She replied: “Is it for a clock?”  I sez: “I don’t know.  That’s why I need a battery….”

 

Three mischievous old grannies were sitting on a bench outside the nursing home. Just about then an old Grandpa walked by and one of the old Grandma’s yelled out saying: “We bet we can tell exactly how old you are.”  The old bloke sez: “There ain’t no way you can guess it, you old fools.” One of the old grannies shouted: “Sure we can! Just drop your pants and under pants and we can tell your exact age.” Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn’t do it, he dropped his drawers. The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times and to jump up and down several times. Then they all piped up and announced:  “You’re 86 years old”’ Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old geezer asked: “How in the world did you guess?” Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, all three old ladies happily yelled in unison: “We were at your birthday party yesterday!”

                                 

On the same subject, I've got a memory like that thing that's used to get lumps out of flour.

 

Dave, a supermarket worker, is called away from his till. “Your girlfriend’s gone in to labour early” a supervisor tells the worried young man. “A nurse left her direct number. Give her a ring and she’ll tell you what’s happening” Unfortunately, the manager has written the number down wrong and Dave gets through to the local cricket club instead. “How’s everything going?” he asks. “Oh, fine” says a cheery woman at the other end of the phone. “We’ve got eight out already!” “Eight !” wails Dave, who’s already nervous enough about being a dad. “Yep,” says the lady “And the last one was a duck…”

 

During a service, an evangelical preacher invites people in need on to the stage. “Brother” he says to the first respondent “What is your need ?” “I need help with my hearing” the man answers. The preacher sticks his finger in the man’s ear and prays. “How’s your hearing now?” he asks. “I don’t know” says the man “It’s not till next Tuesday…”

                                                      

Larry died.  His will provided £40,000 for an elaborate funeral.  As the last guests departed the affair, his wife Sarah turned to her oldest and dearest friend.  "Well, I’m sure Larry would be pleased," she said. "I’m sure you’re right," replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned in close.  "How much did this really cost?" "All of it," said Sarah.  "Forty-thousand." "No!"  Jody exclaimed.  "I mean, it was very nice, but £40,000?" Sarah answered, "The funeral was £6,500.  I donated £500 to church.  The whiskey, wine and snacks were another £500.  The rest went for the Memorial Stone." Jody computed quickly.  "£32,500 for a Memorial Stone?  My God, how big is it?" Sarah replied: "Four and a half carats."

 

Non-Stick Nora was awakened at 3am on Saturday morning by a loud  banging on the front door. Barmy Albert got up and went to the door where a drunken  fella, staggering around  in the pouring rain, was asking  for a push. "No chance," shouts Albert. "It’s  three o’clock in the morning!" He slammed the door muttered some Elizabethan expletives and returned to bed. "Who was that?" asked Nora”. "Just some drunk guy asking for a push," Albert replied:  "Did you help him?" she asked. "No, I did not, it is three in the morning and it’s lagging it down!" "Well, you have a short memory," she said. "Can’t you remember about four months back when we broke down and those two blokes helped us?" "I think you should help him or you will be ashamed of yourself!" Albert duly did as he was told, got dressed, and went out into the tempestuous, pounding  rain. He called out into the dark, "Hello, are you there?" "Yes!" comes back the answer. "Do you still need a push?" he shouted. "If you don’t mind!" comes the reply from the dark. "Where are you?" Albert politely enquired.  "Over here on the swing!" came the reply. 

                                

Wit is often a mask. If you could peer behind its gossamer façade, you would find either genius irritated or cleverness wriggling. That’s why you should never let your mind wander. Summat that small shouldn’t be out on its own.  Nurse, fetch the screens! Visit my website:  www.ComedianUK.com or email me: comedianuk@sky.com.   Now, assume a comical position,then strike the pose!

                                         

Inflamed Metatarsals and Chronic Busman's Der·rière Syndrome....

                                                           

Why, oh why do parents only announce their baby’s weight when it’s born?  You’d never hear them say: Happy 30th birthday Dave, 19 stone 5 pounds.  Aren’t you a big boy now!   I fondly recollect when my daughter Suzie was born.  The doctor proclaimed: “Your daughter is absolutely beautiful!”  I sez to him: “I bet you say that to all new parents.” He replied: “No. I don’t. I say to them your baby looks just like you!”

Non-Stick Nora accompanied Barmy Albert to the doctor’s office. After his check-up, the doctor called Nora into his office alone. He sez: "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress and palpitations. If you don’t do the following, your husband will surely die. Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal he can take to work. And for dinner, prepare an especially nice gourmet meal for him. Don’t burden him with chores, as this could further his stress. Don’t discuss your problems with him; it will only exacerbate his stress level and make it worse.  Try to relax your husband in the evening by wearing lingerie and giving him plenty of backrubs. Encourage him to watch some type of team sporting event on television, football and cricket. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim.  If you can do this for the next ten months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health.  On the way home, Barmy Albert asked Nora: "What did the doctor say?"  "You’re going to die, " she replied.

 

On the same subject, my doctor asked me, ‘Do you drink a lot of fluids?’ I sez: ‘To be honest, that’s all I drink!’

 

Fascinating Fact: Albert Einstein was a genius. His brother Frank on the other hand was a monster!

                          

I was languishing in my local pub, The Pitt Bull and Stanley knife and I got chatting to a lumberjack. I must say that he seemed like a decent feller....

 

Barmy Albert told Non-Stick Nora: "I want to be a millionaire. Just like my dad!" Non-Stick Nora replied:  "Wow! your dad was a millionaire?" Albert sez:  "No, but he always wanted to be."

I attended a showbiz bash and had a drink with The Beach Boys. It was all going quite well until we had to ascertain whose round it was!

Blowing out someone else’s candle won’t make yours shine any brighter.  Remember that!

Yesterday, I was at my local supermarket buying a bag of dog food for the woofers. Whilst I was in the checkout queue, the woman behind me (she had a face like a pirate’s flag) asked me if I had a dog. What did she think I had – an armadillo?   So, since I was off work and had little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn’t have a dog, and that I was starting the dog food diet again.   I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, and that I’d lost two stones before I woke up in intensive care, with a matron and several doctors hovering over my prostrate form.    I told her that it was basically a proper diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with doggy biscuits and simply eat one or two every time you feel peckish. The food is nutritionally complete so it does the business well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the shop was now enthralled with my tale.) Gobsmacked, she enquired if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned my system. I told her definitely not, I merely stepped off the kerb to sniff a nearby lamp post and a car hit me. I thought the geezer behind her was going to have a coronary, he was chortling so much. I now cannot enter the local Co-op without supervision. Always exercise extreme caution when you ask a comedian any simple question at all. We have all the time in the world to dream up stoopid gubbins  to say.

 

Disclaimer: The accounts described are the recollections of the author, and may or may not represent actual occurrences or involve those named in the text. Any resemblance to real people is entirely deliberate, and in accordance with apocryphal law, accounts that are undisputed more than three minutes after this newspaper is printed become uncontrovertible truths. Visit my Jokey-Blog via: www.ComedianUK.com or gizzuz a tweet on Twitter! www.twitter.com/comedianuk.com. Now, behave yerself and get yersen back to work! The summer is a comin’!   

                                          

 

 

 

The blunt end of a rag & bone man's bugle....

 

                                                   

Barmy Albert sez to Non-Stick Nora: "I can remember the first time I visited Liverpool, I found it very hard to leave." Nora asked "Did you fall madly in love with the place?" Albert replied: "No, I had my car stolen."

If you think I'm obsessed with Supertramp, you should take a look at my girlfriend.

Q) What is Man Utd goalkeeper André Onana’s favourite colour?
A) Indigo.


Last week, I purchased a suit of armour off eBay, but I returned it because it made me look middle aged.



I'm weighing up the many comments from people castigating electric vehicles. Most of them don't really know what they're talking about. Personally, I drive two top of the range EVs, a Jaguar and a Porsche. Their acceleration and handling is absolutely fantastic. They possess sleek lines and look brilliant and they're really cheap to run. They need hardly any maintenance whatsoever and haven't depreciated since I bought them. Literally, the only criticism I could make of them is sometimes, if I really push them into a corner, they can fly off the track and get stuck under the settee.



Yesterday morning, a woman at the checkout in Tesco opened her bag and a TV remote fell out. I picked it up for her and I laughed and asked her if she usually carried her remote control around. She sez: “No, but I wanted my husband to come shopping with me and he refused, so I thought I would get my own back on the curmudgeonly cretin.”

 

While I was in Tesco, I bought a packet of Elvis Costello's new Mediterranean sausages. They were superb. I think olive salami is here to stay.

                                                           

Eugene J Polley, the inventor of the television remote control has died at the age of 96. Have they tried turning his batteries the other way round and smacking him against the coffee table?



Fascinating Fact: The only thing worse than a bull that dosen’t like you, is one that does....



I did a gig with a fantastic choreographer who could perform Riverdance on a postage stamp. His name was Michael Philately.



Kids do say the funniest things. In primary school the teacher asked the class to make a sentence using the word 'avocado'. Little Jason stood up and pronounced, “My dad has a driving license, but we don't avocado.”



It’s much better to try and run a half-marathon, rather than say “I gave up halfway through a marathon.

I went for a jog, but came back home after a minute. The reason being, I’m morbidly obese and can’t run for more than a minute. Follow me every week for more fitness tips.



On a university exam, students were asked to explain the difference between ignorance and apathy.
The professor had to give an "A" to the student who wrote: "I don't know and I don't care."



Octogenarian Elsie Grabknuckle was walking in the park when she coughed and her false teeth shot out of her gob and into the lake! A passing stranger sez: “Come with me, I might be able to help you!” They went to his car “Try these” he announced, handing her a set of gnashers. She tried them, but they were far too tight. “Okay, try these then” but they were far too slack; finally he gave her another pair which fitted perfectly, “Oh thank you” she said “these are the best fit I’ve ever had I’ve always wanted to meet the perfect dentist!” “Oh, I’m not a dentist” he said “I’m an undertaker!”

                                               

The bride came down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side. She said, "What are you doing with those?" He looked her in the eye and said, "This isn’t going to take all day, is it?" Start as you mean to go on. That’s what I reckon…



I visited the new Fleetwood Mac Donalds restaurant last weekend. They sell you fries, sell you sweet little fries. Then yesterday, I took the missus to a cafeteria called Karma. The wife asked me what kind of food they served. I sez: “Just desserts…”





I came, I saw, I forgot what I was doing, retraced my footprints, got waylaid on my return journey and now I haven’t got the foggiest idea of what’s going on. We need another referendum to find out. You can find out all sorts of comedic paraphernalia by visiting my website. Clickety-click on: www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me: comedianuk@sky.com Now get back to work!
                                          

Austin Knight pics....

                                         Austin Knight Photo's