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Saturday 20 January 2024

When your dog has eaten your philosophy homework....



I was quaffing a pint of Farquaharsons Old & Filthy Best Bitter in my local pub, The Pit Bull & Stanley Knife, when I noticed a gorgeous foxy blonde lady sitting at the bar drinking champagne. Just my type, thought I and meandered across and sat down next to her. I sez: "You have that 'lost' look in your eyes." She looked at me with much disdain and replied, "You're close. It's a 'get lost' look." Aaargh! Hat and coat time already!

Over Christmas, I visited a night club in Manchester and the doorman curtly informed me that I couldn’t be admitted because it looked as though: “I’d had a few too many!” I sez: “You mean drinks?” He gazed at me with a saturnine grimace and replied” “No. I meant birthdays!”

I got home quite late and the missus was on the prowl with a rolling pin. One has to think on one’s feet on these stressful occasions, so quick as a flash I sez “Sorry I’m late, my darling, but they had a competition in the pub to ascertain who had the most fantastic partner, and I got to the final.”

Of course, the following day, she was quite offhand with me. I was sitting on the sofa watching The Chase, when I heard her voice from the kitchenette. "What would you like for tea, lovely? Chicken, beef or lamb?" I replied, "Thank you, I'll have chicken." "You're having soup. I was talking to the dog!"


Meanwhile, at Hovel No 9, up Scropton Street back snicket, Barmy Albert is getting into the shower, just as Non-Stick Nora is finishing her shower, when the doorbell rings. Nora quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there standeth Sidney, the next-door neighbour. Before she utters a syllable, Sid exclaims: "I'll give you £500, if you’re prepared to drop that towel." After thinking for a moment, Nora drops her towel and stands naked in front of Sid. After a few seconds, Sid hands her £500 and leaves. Nora then proceeded to wrap herself back up in the towel and returns upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, Albert sez: "Who was that at the door?" Nora replied: "It was Sid, the next-door neighbour," Albert sez: "Excellent! Did he give you that £500 he owes me?"

As I get older, I’ve noticed that: My forget is getting betterer, but my remember tote is broke. To you that may seem amusing, but to me, this is no joke. For when I'm here, I'm wondering, If I really should be there and when I try to think it through, I haven't got a prayer! Many times I walk into a room, thinking “what have I come in here for?” I wrack my brain, but all in vain! A zero is my score. At times I put something away, where it is safe, but, Gee! The person it is safest from is generally only me! When shopping, I may see someone and say: “Hello” and have a chat. Then, when that person walks away I think: “Who the flamin’ ‘ell was that?’ Yes, my forget is going betterer but my remember tote is broke, and it's driving me pots for rags and that isn't any joke!

I texted my daughter, asking her: ‘What Are You Doing Right Now?’ She texted back saying, ‘Probably failing my driving test...’ Apparently, her driving instructor told her to pull over somewhere safe. Two minutes later he asked her, "Why haven't you pulled over yet?" She said, "Because we're still in Liverpool."



If I could offer you some advice for the future: Dance like you’re mortally injured. Make love like your being filmed and you need the money. Work when people are watching. Dress up in Lycra. Always leave a false name. Be legendary. Believe in Karma. If at first you don’t succeed, then redefine success. Visit my website and continue the quest! Email Now, get back to work!


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