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Friday 5 January 2024

The New Year Resolution....


I was in the office typing a script when I heard the voice of my old friend, the late comedian Bernard Manning on BBC Breakfast News on the telly in the adjacent living room. I wondered what the news article could be, so stopped what I was doing and went to investigate. It wasn’t Bernard Manning. It was Everton Manager Sean Dyche! Don’t mention the VAR!

Barmy Albert staggered home from his local tavern The Pit Bull & Stanley Knife and Non-Stick Nora hollered at him: “I can’t believe how drunk you are!” Firmly denying this, Albert replied: “I am not bladdered.” “Yes, you are.” Nora insisted. No, I’m definitely not.” Albert objected. Nora opined: “Okay then, can you tell the time?” It was then that Albert went up to the clock on the mantelpiece and sez: “I’m definitely not drunk.” Incandescent with rage, Non-Stick Nora then asked the intoxicated Albert: “Are those Thick Lens glasses you're wearing?'” Albert replied: “No, they're mine...” That’s when the fight started!

Thought for Thursday: Never be afraid to laugh at yourself, after all, you could be missing out on the joke of the century. Dame Edna Everage.


A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to hospital. Whilst on the operating table, she had a lucid dream which manifested itself as a near death experience. The Grim Reaper had come for her and she tried to beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death! Then suddenly, she saw Archangel Gabriel, and asked “Is my time up?” Gabriel said, “No, you have another 32 years, 5 months and 5 days to live.” Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face- lift, liposuction, botox implants and a tummy tuck. She even had a top hairdresser come in and change her hair colour and got the dentist to whiten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she reckoned that she might as well make the most of it. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was run over by an ice cream van. Arriving in front of Gabriel, she demanded, “I thought you said I had another 32 years? Why didn’t you rescue me from the path of the ice cream van?” Gabriel replied: ”Jeepers! I didn’t recognise you!”

New Year Resolution: I am going to watch my wedding video in reverse later. I love the part where she takes the ring off and walks down the aisle backwards, gets in the limousine and goes back to her mother.

Two Gorton lads were walking down Hyde Road, when a car pulled up and this fella wound the window down and sez: “ Discúlpeme! Habla usted español?” One of the boys shrugged and replies, “Sorry, no we don’t.” The geezer then asked, “Parlez vous Francais?” The lads replied: ”No, we don’t mate.” The man in the car was getting quite frustrated and opined “Sprechen Sie Deutsch?” The Gorton boys advised him that they couldn’t speak whatever that language was either, which prompted the guy to drive off in a huff. One of the lads then said, “After that embarrassing carry on, I really wish I’d have taken the trouble to learn another language at school.” To which his mate replied: “Well, it didn’t do him much good, did it?”


Don’t let stress kill you off! Why not let me help? By reading this column regularly you will exercise your guffaw glands and laugh at all the fine jokes, superb entertainment and gracious hostility. Why not visit my website: or youcan email me too!


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