I walked to the local paint shop to get thinner. It didn't work. I then decided to fill the car up with petrol. I visited petrol filling station, however, the first pump I went to didn’t work, I tried the second pump and nothing came out of that one either, nor the third pump. So, I went into the kiosk and said to the young lady behind the counter: "Do you have your pumps on?" "No, I haven’t", she said "I’ve got me Ugg boots on!"
On Epiphany, The Imperial Wizard Roy Wood was accused of being a hypocrite, after it emerged that he’d taken down all his Yuletide decorations. Despite claiming that he wished it could be Christmas every day, Mr Wood was spotted over the weekend disposing of tinsel, glittery baubles and a Christmas tree (minus all the needles!) at the local Domestic Waste Disposal and Household Items Recycling Centre, (hereinafter referred to as the Tip). What could follow? No snow at Christmas? No peace on earth? Noddy Holder screeching at us that it's NOT actually Christmas? Mud telling us that they weren’t actually lonely this Christmas, they had a load of mates round and were all dancing about on their Tiger Feet? That’s right, That’s Right, That’s Right!
Barmy Albert was up Scropton Street back snicket, standing at the base of a flagpole, gazing skyward when Non-Stick Nora walked by and asked him what he was up to. Albert sez: “I’m supposed to be finding the height of this flagpole, but I don't have a ladder.” So, Nora took out a pair of mole grips from her handbag, loosened a few nuts and bolts and then proceeded to lay the flagpole down on the ground. She then took a tape measure out of her anorak pocket, took a few measurements and proudly announced that it was exactly sixteen feet and nine inches. Just then, as she was sauntering off, Albert shouted: “Typical woman! I need the height and you give me the length”
Ladies! Listen Up! According to quantum physics, a particle vibrating due to your sound when you speak can affect a molecule inside a star at the very edge of the universe instantly. This phenomenon is known as quantum entanglement. The greatest illusion of the universe is the illusion of separation. It’s like when you’re shopping in The Trafford Centre and your husband goes missing, but you eventually find him in Wetherspoons.
Fascinating Facts: There are more airplanes in the ocean than submarines in the sky. Moreover, after all these years, the swimming pool on the Titanic is still full.
I was in my local pub, The Pitt Bull & Stanley Knife over the weekend and the barmaid was most obliging. She sez if I took her outside, she'd show me a good time. Imagine my surprise when she ran 100 metres in 9.57 seconds! Incredible!
My granny always used to say that the answer to everything, was a nice cup of tea and a biscuit. She was a lovely woman, but she was rubbish on The Chase.
In 2024, take care of yourself and avoid accidents, because spare parts for old models like you and I are no longer in stock.
If you made a mistake, then apologise. If you are thankful, just say it. If you’re confused, ask questions. If you are lucky enough to learn summat new, then teach it. If you are in a quandary, ask for assistance. If you’re wrong, admit it. If you are in a position to unselfishly give, then give. If you love someone, tell them NOW! If you’re famished, ask someone to make you a cheese omelette! If you fancy a chortle, then visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com and visit my all new Jokey-Bloggington! You can email me too: - email@example.com