BREAKING NEWS: Jürgen Klopp announces shock decision to step down as Liverpool manager at the end of the 2024 season, after eight and a half years. He has said he is “Running out of energy.” He reckons his younger brother Klipperty might want to take over. A Liverpool fan said today: "This is the saddest day for Liverpool since the invention of locking wheel nuts."
Last week, I
applied for a job hanging mirrors. It's something I can see myself doing. "Now
this is the verbal part of your employment test," said the interviewer.
"Can you tell me what gross aggrandized annuity means?"
"Certainly," I replied. "It means I don't get the job."
The missus
texted me at a gig last week: “Windows at home frozen – what should I do?” I
texted back: “Spray some de-icer or pour warm water on them.” A few minutes later, she replied: “Done all
that, now computer won’t work at all now”.
Barmy Albert
had a terrible accident at work. He cut
two fingers off his right hand and was taken to A & E at Tameside Hospital. He asked the doctor if he’d still be able to
write with it. The doctor sez: “Probably. But I wouldn’t count on it.” When he went into surgery, the consultant
told Albert that with the technology they have today, if he’d had packed the
fingers in ice and brought them to the hospital, they could have stitched them
back on. Albert replied: “I know
that. But I couldn’t pick them up!” In fact, he only noticed the two fingers were
missing when he was saying good night to the foreman….
I overheard
a woman (she had a face like a careless beekeeper) on the 237 bus saying that
she won’t let her grandchildren watch Peppa Pig on telly, because it encourages
bad behaviour like “Jumping in puddles.”
When I was a kid, I watched Road Runner, but I haven’t blown anyone up
with a stick of dynamite as yet.
Non-Stick
Nora visited the doctor and told him that her body hurts wherever she touched
it. “That’s impossible!” the doctor proclaimed.
“Show me.” Nora touched her elbow and screamed in pain. She then pushed
her knee and ankle and screamed. The doctor asked her: “Do you dye your hair?”
Nora replied: “No. I’m really a blonde.”
The doctor sez: “I thought so. Your
finger is broken…”
Octogenarian
Tommy Grabknuckle was doing the Times crossword and shouted to his wife Elsie
who was in the kitchenette: “I’m stuck on 4 across. The clue is flightless bird from Iceland. 6
and 7 letters” Elsie shouted back: “That’s easy. It’s frozen chicken….”
Thought for
Thursday: It’s strange, is it not, that the UK government are able to police
the pirates who are causing ructions to merchant shipping in the Red Sea, but can’t
sort out the shenanigans in the English Channel.
Moreover,
only a fool believes that electricity used for air conditioning harms the
planet, but electricity used to charge a Tesla doesn’t. However, this geezer
picked up his brand-new Tesla and the salesman tells him: “This car is so
high-tech that you just have to speak to the radio and it’ll play exactly what it is told!” The
bloke gives it a go. He shouts “Beatles”
and it plays ‘Help.’ He shouted “Stones.”
And it played ‘Satisfaction’. A couple of days later, he is out driving, when
he gets cut up at a roundabout. He
shouts “Effin Wanker!” and the radio starts playing: “When you Walk Through a
Storm, Hold Your Head Up High….”
I phoned
that insurance company that constantly advertises on telly and said, "I
would like you to save me £400 on my car insurance like you did for the guy in
your advert." "Okay" they said, "How much is your car
insurance at the moment?" I said, "£400."
Dianne Abbott
has come to the conclusion that the moon is actually more useful than the sun.
Since the moon gives us light when it’s dark.
Whereas, the sun only gives us light during the day, when it’s already
light. Fascinating!
Fascinating
Fact: The naked man fears no pickpockets…
