The Lucid Dream....

                                               

I had this lucid dream last night. It went thus: There was a rat-a-tat-tat at my front door last night and when I opened it, it was a badger from the woods opposite my house. “What do you want?” I asked him. He gazed at me, with a saturnine grimace and replied: “I’ve been in hibernation all winter and just surfaced. I’d just like to know what happened with all that Brexit gubbins?” I didn’t know what to say.   I took him to a local restaurant and we had the sett meal for two.



I’ve been overwhelmed with an urge to visit Tameside Hospital and assist in the maternity unit and help deliver babies. I told my doctor all this and she reckons that I’m going through a midwife crisis.

                                             

Have you ever walked into a room with some purpose in mind, only to completely forget what that purpose was? Turns out, doors themselves are to blame for these strange memory lapses. Psychologists at the University of Manchester have discovered that passing through a doorway triggers what's known as an ‘Event Boundary’ in the mind, separating one set of thoughts and memories from the next. Your brain files away the thoughts you had in the previous room and prepares a blank slate for the new locale. Thank goodness for studies like this. It's not our age, it's that flamin’ door! Did I tell you about this already? Do we put the bins out tonight, or is it tomorrow?



I was sauntering down Scropton Street yesterday morning and spotted this bloke who was on crutches and wearing a camouflage jacket. I said to him, “You can hide, but you can’t run!”



Our local council reckon they're losing £30 million a year in unpaid parking fines. If they halve the cost of a fine, they'll only lose £15 million.


                                       

I'll never forget how happy I was when I saw my missus walking down the aisle towards me. My heart was beating fast and the excitement was unbearable. It seemed to take an age, but eventually there she was, standing beside me. I gave her a loving smile and said, "Get that trolley over here love. They're doing two cases of Stella Artois, for the price of one!"


                                    

I bumped into my next-door neighbour Barmy Albert on the High Street. He had two black eyes. I asked him what had happened." He replied, "I was standing behind a rather large woman at the supermarket checkout, I noticed that her dress was caught in the nape of her derriere, so I pulled it out. She turned around and punched me square in the eye." "Where did you get the other shiner from?" I politely enquired. "Well I figured she preferred it the way it was before, so I pushed it back in."




                                        

I came, I saw, I forgot what I was doing, retraced my footprints, got waylaid on my return journey and now I haven’t got the foggiest idea of what’s going on. We need another referendum to find out. You can find out all sorts of comedic paraphernalia by visiting my website. Clickety-click on: www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me: comedianuk@sky.com Now get back to work!

Climate Change?

The Brexiteer....

                                        

Over Easter, I went to a new restaurant, ‘The Brexiteer’. Gave my order to the waitress and the chef served something entirely different!



The wife has been missing for well over a week now and the police called this morning and told me to expect the worst. So, I’ve had to go to the charity shop and get all her clothes back.



I was up Scropton Street languishing in my local pub, The Pit Bull & Stanley Knife, when the barman asked me: "What would you like?" "What would I like?" I informed him: "An end to all this Brexit gubbins, maybe a general election, if we can’t leave the EU without a deal. Perhaps, a bigger house, more money and a missus that doesn’t nag as much." "No!" exclaimed the barman patiently. "I meant what do you want?" "To win the Euro Millions lottery or for my mother-in-law to emigrate to a far pavilion and for my daughter Suzie to do well in her job!" "What's it to be?" says the barman, less patiently. "A boy or a girl, I really don't care." "You misinterpret what I am saying," sez the barman, now impatiently, "I only asked what you want to drink." "Oh," I exclaimed, I see. Why didn't you say so? What have you got?" "Nothing at all," sez the barman. "I had a full medical last week and the doctor reckons that I'm perfectly healthy."



When asked by a police traffic officer, "Do you know you were speeding?" The 83-year-old woman gave the young officer an ear to ear smile and stated: "Yes, but I had to get there, before I forgot where I was going." The officer put his ticket book away and bid her good day.

                                      

The day before yesterday, I waved at this young lady outside Wetherspoons, because I thought she had waved at me. I then ascertained that she had actually waved to another bloke, who was behind me. In a futile attempt to escape from an embarrassing scenario, I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to Terminal 2 at Manchester Airport. I am now in Japan, starting a new life....



Me, behave? Seriously? As a child I saw Tarzan almost naked, Cinderella arrived home after midnight, Pinocchio told lies, Aladdin was a thief, Batman drove over 200 miles an hour, Snow White lived in a house with seven blokes. Popeye smoked a pipe and had tattoos, Pac Man ran around to digital music while eating pills that enhanced his performance, and Shaggy and Scooby were mystery solving hippies that always had the munchies. The fault is not mine!

                                           

If I could offer you some advice for the future: Dance like you are mortally injured. Make love like your being filmed and you need the money. Work when people are watching. Dress up in Lycra. Always leave a false name. Be legendary. Believe in Karma. If at first you don’t succeed, then redefine success. Visit my website http://www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me:comedianuk@sky.com






                             

The Brexit Farrago....

                 

When Theresa May sees light at the end of the Brexit tunnel, she orders more tunnel!   The reason why politicians try so hard to get re-elected is that they would hate to have to make a living under the shambles they have themselves created during this EU farrago. The elections on May 2nd give us the opportunity to rid ourselves of these knaves, rascals and self-serving charlatans.


                                     

Barmy Albert sauntered up Scropton Street into The Pit Bull & Stanley Knife pub and ordered a pint of Farquarharsons Old & Filthy Best British Bitter Beer. He then proceeded to insert a £1 coin into the fruit machine. The machine coughed, then spat the quid coin out and a voice from within the bandit shouted “You’re a right ugly cretin you are and your breath smells putrid!” He stepped backwards in utter shock and staggered to the bar, where there was a bowl of nachos, as he nibbled on one, a voice from the bowl sez:”May I say that you’re very well dressed and you look 20 years younger than your actual age. That’s also a magnificent tie that you’re wearing!” He told the Bert the barman all this and Bert sez:”Sorry about that Albert, the nachos are complimentary, whereas the fruit machine is out of order...”



Thought for Thursday: I must be an optimistic pessimist, as I look forward to thinking the worst!

                             

Breaking News: ASDA have announced that they are to create 12,000 new jobs in the UK. The Polish Prime Minister is said to be "Absolutely delighted!"



I got home really late last night and the missus was on the prowl with a rolling pin. One has to think on one's feet on these stressful occasions, as quick as a flash I sez “Sorry I’m late, my darling, but they had a competition in the pub to ascertain who had the most fantastic partner, and I got to the final.”
                                           

I asked the missus: "What is your esteemed opinion on the present state of English football?" "It's really appalling," she replied. "Absolutely bobbins" "More than likely," I sez, "but let's hear it anyway....."

                             

I was driving past Strangeways Prison yesterday and spotted a dwarf clambering down a rope on the wall.
I thought "Well that's a little condescending"

Exactly 107 years ago today, all British newspapers published massive headlines with regard to the disaster: ‘Titanic Sinks on Maiden Voyage – Thousands Feared Dead!’ The Sholver Gazette, however, carried a much more conservative and subtle approach in its reporting of the incident. A little column at the foot of page 27 read: ‘Stalybridge Man Drowns.’

                                           

Fascinating Fact: Scientists have discovered that both women and cats will do exactly as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.


                                                 

                                                           

The accounts described in this gloppy column are merely recollections of the author, and may or may not represent actual occurrences or involve those named in the text, such as Non-Stick Nora and Barmy Albert. Any resemblance to real people is entirely deliberate, and in accordance with apocryphal law, accounts that are undisputed more than three minutes after this newspaper is printed become incontrovertible truths. Visit my Jokey-Blog via: www.ComedianUK.com. You can email me: comedianuk@sky.com Now, behave yourself and get back to work! The summer is a comin’!

                                         

Only dog owners will understand this....

                               

In Westminster, MP’s are expressing concern about the rise in knife crime. They then proceed to stab 17.4 million voters in the back. On Thursday 2nd of May, we will have our revenge!

                                       

A mate of mine is a dog handler with the Greater Manchester Police. One evening, he was dispatched to the scene of a possible burglary, where he discovered the back door of a building ajar. He let the dog out his van and commanded it to enter and seek out. Leaping from the back of the van, the dog headed for the building. After lurching through the doorway, the dog literally froze and backed out. My pal was perplexed, until he investigated further. Then he noticed the sign on the building: "Veterinary Practice." Only dog owners will understand this....



I was working in a hotel in Saltburn last weekend and I sez to concierge: "I'm sorry, I can't remember what room I am in ". He replied: "This is the lobby, sir..."



                                             

Last Wednesday, I drove past the house where I used to live when I was a kid and couldn’t resist knocking on the door, in the hope that I’d be able to wander around the old place and be cast back in time to the halcyon 70’s era. Anyway, they told me to sod off and never come back! Mind you, my dad always was a cantankerous old curmudgeon. He was very cruel when I was a nipper. He knew that I had a nut allergy and would play Russian Roulette with me, using a bag of Revels...


                                         

The man who created the worldwide chain of Showcase cinemas has died. He was 91. His funeral is next Tuesday at 2.10, 4.20, 6.40 and 9.10.



I’ve decided to attend Manchester Metropolitan University and I’m going to study astrology. Today, I have applied for a Russell Grant.

                       

I came home from the car boot sale on Sunday with a signed photo of Ronnie Corbett for just 50p, whilst Barmy Albert picked up a signed photo of Ronnie Barker for a paltry £1. So it was a good buy from me, and a good buy from him.



“I’ve taken up crown green bowls” Barmy Albert informed me. “Well if they have a referee in soccer and an umpire in cricket, then what do they have in bowls?” I asked him. He thought for a minute and replied: “Goldfish?”



The missus sez, "You always blame everyone else when things go wrong."

I replied, "And whose fault is that?"



Thought for Thursday: The best time to make friends is before you need them.


                                                 

Network. Dream big. Plan ahead. Get up early. Stay focused. Stay off your phone. Read more books. Avoid lollygaggers and purveyors of egregious crapulate logorrhoea. Take risks. Write down your goals. Live on less than you earn. Make your health a top priority. Do deeds that matter to you. Learn from folk you admire. When you’ve done all that, then visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com Email me: comedianuk@sky.com. Now, get back to work!



                                 

April Fools Day....

                                                  

April Fool’s Day was cancelled last Monday as nobody could match the shenanigans that is going on with our politicians at Westminster. Furthermore, The Sleeping beauty awoke after 100 years, turned to her Prince and sez: "Are we out of the EU yet?" Could the beginning of April actually be the end of May?

                                          

Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine fella, who will give them sincere compliments they might not deserve. Housework was a woman's job, but one evening, Non-Stick Nora arrived home from work to find the children bathed, one load of laundry in the washer and another in the dryer. Dinner was in the oven, and the table set. She was flabbergasted! It turns out that Barmy Albert had read an article that said, 'Wives who work full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to make love'. The night went very well. The next day, Nora told her friends all about it. 'We had a great dinner. Albert even cleaned up the kitchen. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put it away. I really enjoyed the evening.' 'But what about afterwards?' asked her friends. 'Oh, that........... Albert was too tired.'



                                          

I have just taken up transcendental meditation. It certainly beats sitting around doing nowt all day.


                                

I was in a mobile phone shop at Crownpoint Shopping Centre: "This is a high-end, state-of-the art Apple Smart Watch," said the geezer. "It features full mobile phone capability, meaning you can make and receive calls simply by holding it up to your ear. You can surf the internet, update your Facebook status, send a tweet on Twitter, it also has a pedometer, telling you how many steps you’ve done and a heart monitor that checks your blood pressure!" "Sounds great," I said. "But then how would I tell the time?" He said, "That's what your mobile phone is for." Hmmm, methinks that life was much easier when Apple and Blackberry were merely fruits...

                                          

I knocked on my neighbour's door yesterday, and said, "Sorry to be cheeky, but do you mind if I use your bathroom? Mine's out of order, at the present time." "Not at all, come on in," he laughed. About twenty minutes later he knocked the door and said, "Excuse me, but are you all right in there?" I shouted, "I'm spot on, matey. You need to buy more Radox bubble bath and shampoo, by the way."

                                  

Life is too short to wake up with regrets. So love the people who treat you right. Avoid lollygaggers, wastrels, scallywags and knaves. Learn to chop wood into nice little squares. Believe everything happens for a reason. If you get a second chance, grab it with both hands. If it changes your life, then let it. Nobody said life would be easy, they just promised it would be worth it. So, now you know! Visit my website www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me:comedianuk@sky.com. Now, get back to work!