The Wife....

                          

The wife has been missing for over a week now. The local police have told me to prepare for the worst, so I had to go to the charity shop today and get all her clothes back. She reckons that I have only two faults. That I don’t listen and something else..


While driving through historic Chester last week, I turned on my SatNav and it said 'Bear Left'. I looked across and there was the zoo! Spooky or what?


I did a working man’s club in Yorkshire last weekend and it was embarrassing. I walked out on stage and there was just one bloke sat in the audience. I sez: “I’m here and you’re here, so I’m gonna do my whole international cabaret act, exclusively just you.” He replied: “Well, get a move on, I wanna lock up!”...



Barmy Albert sent an email to a small hotel in a High Peak village that he planned to visit this autumn. He wrote: I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed, also very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?" An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who emailed: “Dear Sir, I've been running this hotel for twenty years. In all that time, I've never had a dog nick any towels, bedclothes, 32” Plasma TV’s, cutlery, silverware or portraits off the walls. I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. Moreover, I've never had a dog disappear without settling the hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is very welcome at my hotel. Furthermore, if your dog will vouch for you, then you are welcome to stay here as well."



The bride came down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side. She said, "What are you doing with those?" He looked her in the eye and said, "This isn’t going to take all day, is it?"



I visited my doctor with regard to my chronic deafness and acute hearing loss. He gave me a thorough examination and prescribed some medicine and told me to take two drops per day in my beer. I've been doing it for over a week now and I still haven't noticed any improvement.


Thought for Thursday: Never, ever make eye contact with anyone, whilst scoffing a banana...

A director decided to award a prize of £50 for the best idea of saving the company money during the month of December. It was won by a young executive who suggested reducing the prize money to £10. He also advised that all staff members should read this weekly column and exercise their guffaw glands! Continue the quest! Click on www.ComedianUK.com coz all the cool kidz are at it!