I don’t always work with sporting speakers. My agent phoned me last month and informed me that on an after-dinner engagement the following week, I would be sat on the top table next to Mary Berry. Well, I told the missus and she told her mother, the word went around and suddenly, I was besieged with many neighbours and friends giving me their cookery books to get personally autographed by the great lady herself! I had a car boot chock-a-block full of these big, thick hard-backed cookery tomes. However, the agent had given me incorrect details (either that, or I misheard!) because when I arrived at the event, I was seated next to the Mayor of Bury! Anyway, I got him to sign them.
Notwithstanding that, the wife has been practising her culinary skills in the scullery and she made a rhubarb pie. It was three foot long and one inch wide....
During the war, my father was constantly on the lookout for German bombers. He was a lifegaurd at Dortmund Swimming Baths....
Thought for Thursday: I want my children to have all the things I never could afford. Then I want to move in with them.
The missus asked me to describe her. I looked at her for a while, then said, "You're an alphabet wife . A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K." She asks ... "What the hell does that mean?"
I replied,"Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, and Hot". She smiled happily and said ... "Oh, that's so lovely, but what about I, J, K?" I sez, "I'm Just Kidding!" The swelling on my hooter has gone down a bit now and I can see out of one eye....
Fascinating Fact: Slugs are snails that have been through a divorce.
Good deed done by yours truly! Yesterday, in the queue at Tesco, there was a little old lady in front of me, she had £30 worth of groceries, but some loathsome blackguard had stolen her purse. I was feeling quite benevolent and because it’s close to the festered season and the fact that she was getting on in years, I helped her put it all back on the shelves.
Top Tip: If somebody says to you "It's not the money, it's the principle," then it's definitely the money.
If I could offer you some advice for the future: Dance like you are mortally injured. Make love like your being filmed and you need the money. Work when people are watching. Dress up in Lycra. Always leave a false name. Be legendary. Believe in Karma. If at first you don’t succeed, then redefine success. Visit my website http://www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me:comedianuk@sky.com
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