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Saturday, 25 June 2016

I Can't Live Without EU....


Until last Thursday, I thought that ‘Brexit’ was what happened when a Rubenesque Barnsley lass sat on a cheap plastic garden chair! We have banished the EU. Chris Eubank will now be known as Chris Bank. Last Thursday, I went into our local Pound Shop and everything was £2! I was at the checkout at Tesco and the girl asked me if I wanted my bags packing!

Looks like I’m being repatriated folks! Yes, unfortunately, this is the time of year when I am away for many weeks, so this column will return in the autumn. Parting is such sweet sorrow innit. Have a wonderful summer!


The missus wants a divorce. She's not happy that I have a fetish about groping different types of pasta and she has left me. I must admit that I’m feeling cannelloni at the moment....

During half-term holidays, my 4 year old nephew has been learning Spanish, but still hasn’t grasped quite how to say ‘please’. I honestly think that this is poor for four...

I knew last week that she wasn’t happy with me. I staggered home bladdered last Tuesday night, and the missus was so annoyed, not only had she changed the locks on the front door, she'd changed the street name as well! In the doghouse again!

Whilst on the subject of dogs and houses, there were two dogs talking, in a house and one sez: “Do you wanna hear a good joke?” The other dog replied: “Yes, I’m bored. Cheer me up.” The first dog went: “Knock-Knock.” Then both dogs went flamin’ mental!


Angel Merkel was attending an economic summit in Athens. At the airport, the passport control officer sez to her: “Nationality?” She replied: “German.” He asked her:”Occupation?” She replied: “No, I’m only here for two days....”

The phone went yesterday; they’ll nick anything round here! Anyway, I digress. When I answered it, this voice proclaimed:"Hello, is that Mr Knight?” I sez: “Yes.” The voice declared: “This is The Official Receivers Office." I replied: "Are you winding me up?”

I get strange phone calls on a constant basis. On Monday, it was BT. The woman curtly informed yours truly, that if I didn’t pay the bill within the next 7 days, there were to disconnect the phone. I told her straight! I sez: “You’re bill is in a queue...” Mind you, British Gas told me that I had the BEST gas bill on my street. They told me that it was outstanding!


Thought for Thursday: Behind every successful man, there is a woman. And behind every unsuccessful man, there are usually two.


I stepped back in amazement and the fella behind me stepped back even further because he was amazed at how far back I'd stepped! All this occurred primarily because I was exasperated with the same old boring jokes that are still being circulated around the pub and at work? I’m sure you are too. But no, not me. Yes sirree! I like the same old boring jokes and that's why I print them right here in this gloppy humour column every available chance I get. Accept me for what I am; completely unacceptable. Click on my joke blog: or better still email me: Oh, and If your phone didn’t ring yesterday, then it was me! See you in the autumn folks!


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