Last Tuesday, I got the bus into Stalybridge. As I sat down next to this bloke on the bus he gave me a really weird stare. That's flamin’ typical, I thought. The bus is totally empty and yet I still end up sitting next to a deranged maniac!
I fondly recollect the very first time my dad took me in the local pub and asked me what I wanted to drink. "A diet coke, please" I said. “you’re not having a girls drink while you are out with me!" He shouted. "Okay, I'll have whatever you’re having". I replied. "Right”, he sez, "two normal cokes, please".....
Money isn’t everything. It can buy a house, but not a home. It can buy a clock, but not time.
It can buy you a position, but not respect. It can buy you a bed, but not sleep. It can buy you a book, but not knowledge. It can buy you medicine, but not health. It can buy you blood, but not life. So you see money isn’t everything. And it often causes pain and suffering. So send me all your money and I’ll do your suffering for you!
The wife’s opinions may have changed, but not the fact that she's always right....
A Professor was travelling by boat. On his way he asked a sailor: “Do you know Biology, Ecology, Zoology, Geography or Physiology? The sailor replied “No” to all his questions.
The professor went on: “You are absolutely illiterate. You will die of illiteracy”.
After a while the boat started sinking. The sailor asked the professor: “Do you know Swiminology, Escapology from Sharkology? The professor said “No, I don’t!”
The sailor curtly informed him: “Well, Sharkology and Crocodilogy will eat your Assology, Headology and you will Dieology because of your Ignoramusology." Sort of puts stuff into perspective, doesn’t it!
Thought for Thursday: Never give yourself a haircut after quaffing four gin & tonics...
Summer Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground really easily, the odds are that it is a valuable plant. Just because you have green fingers doesn’t mean you’re a good gardener. You could be a lousy painter.
It does my head in when some people say "I'm a vegetarian, except for fish". Oh Yeah! Well, I'm a teetotaller, except for beer....
Wit is often a mask. If you could peer behind its gossamer façade, you would find either genius irritated or cleverness wriggling. That’s why you should never let your mind wander. Summat that small shouldn’t be out on its own. Nurse, fetch the screens! Visit my website www.ComedianUK.com or email me: comedianuk@sky.com. Now, assume a comical position, and then strike the pose!
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