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Monday, 13 June 2016

Brexit or Innit?

With his team selection and particularly his substitutions, it would appear as though Roy Hodgson has already voted to take England out of Europe!

I entered what I had scoffed today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house...

Bored and want to alleviate the monotony of a dull day? Then just saunter into the opticians on the High St, wander up to the counter, whilst squinting your eyes and looking up at the price list. When they ask if they can help you, just say "Big Mac and fries please!"

During my annual medical check-up, the doctor asked me about my physical activity level.
I described a typical day this way: "Well, yesterday afternoon, I took a five hour walk about 8 miles through some pretty rough terrain. I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through brambles. I got sand in my shoes and my eyes. I avoided standing on a squirrel. I climbed several rocky hills, then I urinated behind some big trees. The mental stress of it all left me shattered. At the end of it all I drank eight beers." Inspired by the story, the doctor sez, "You must be one hell of an outdoors man!" "No," I replied "I'm just a rubbish golfer".

Invited my mate Dave home for tea. The missus appeared all dishevelled and screamed "The house is a mess, I've not done me hair or me make-up, not done the dishes from yesterday and I've not even thought of what we're 'avin fer dinner and what the 'ell have ya brought him home for?" I sez, "Coz he's thinkin' of gettin' married."

Watching Sunday Brunch, I was astounded. The greatest threat to the survival of the African elephant is poaching. How the hell do they get them in the saucepan?

I had a lovely walk round the reservoirs with the missus over the weekend. We spotted a young bloke passionately embracing and kissing his girlfriend. The wife sez: "Why don't you do that?” I replied, "Don't be silly. I don't even know the girl."

So some genius within the government has thought of bringing in £100 fine for bad driving.
Now how sexist is that? Vote OUT! It’s the only way folks!

My Mum always used to say to me, "Always go for ugly women, that way you know they'll always be faithful." Clearly she's never watched the Jeremy Kyle show.

When you were a little kid remember how difficult it was just to get a Kit-Kat? Well high up on the kitchen worktop, unless your mum was really fastidious, then they'd be right on the very top shelf of the kitchenette cabinet, miles out of reach. Absolutely nowhere on the wrapper of a Kit-Kat does it say, 'Keep out of reach of small children.' Where are the Domestos bleach and the Mr Muscle? Ground level, under the sink, right next to the rest of all the toxins.

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