The Woodhead Pass....

                       

The missus sez that I’m very immature and that I need to grow up. I was totally speechless. However, it's hard to say anything when you have 45 jelly babies in your gob!


 

                           

The Highways Agency found over 200 dead crows on the A628 Woodhead Pass recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the ...bird's beaks and claws. By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with Lorries, while only 2% were killed by cars.
The Agency then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Lorry." You couldn’t make it up! Could you?

                                   

                       

A lovely young girl brings her boyfriend home to meet her parents. After having a barbeque, her mother tells her father, a wealthy business tycoon, to find out some more about this young man. He invites the boy to join himfor a game of snooker and a Coca-Cola in his games room.

"So what are your future plans?" the father asks the boy.

"I am a religious scholar and I genuinely want to marry your daughter," he replies.

"A scholar," the father says. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in and to which she is accustomed?"

"I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."

"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asks the father.

"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "God will provide for us."

"And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?"

"Don't worry sir, God will provide," replies the boy.

The conversation proceeds like this and each time the father questions him, the boy insists that God will provide.

Later, the mother asks, "Well, how did it go?"

The father answers, "The bad news is he has no job and no plans, but the good news is that he thinks I'm God."

                                           

If I could offer you some advice for the future: Dance like you are mortally injured. Make love like your being filmed and you need the money. Work when people are watching. Dress up in Lycra. Always leave a false name. Be legendary. Believe in Karma.If at first you don’t succeed, then redefine success. Visit my website http://www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me:comedianuk@sky.com