Last Tuesday....

 
             

It was roasting hot last Wednesday and the missus was complaining about the girl who is our next-door neighbour sunbathing topless in the back garden. The wife asked me what I thought about it. I was sat on the fence...

                       

My mate Dave was the fittest person I ever knew. He attended the gymnasium seven days per week. He participated in The Ironman Triathlon, he even did back to back marathons before Eddie Izzard even thought about doing it. Then one day he went for a quick jog in the local park and suddenly...BANG! He met a girl, got married......and now he's a fat slob obese couch potato malingerer, just like the rest of us! You couldn’t make it up! Could you?


                                                             

 


Last Tuesday, on the golf course, I accidentally overturned my golf buggy on a steep incline. A very attractive woman, who lived in an apartment adjacent to the golf course, heard the racket, came out onto her balcony and shouted out to me, "Hey, are you okay"? "I'm fine, thanks," I replied. "You look injured", the voluptuous lady proclaimed, "Come up to my flat for a drink and I will help you get the buggy sorted out afterwards." "That's really sweet of you," I answered, “But I don't think my missus would like that." "Oh, come on," replied the woman, a gorgeous brunette in a sexy teeny-weeny yellow polka-dot bikini, insisted. "I can see you've cut your head. It could be serious. Let me take care of that right away. I work at Tameside Hospital. I'm a nurse". She was very persuasive....and I was weak. "Well alright," I agreed, but added, "But my wife won't like it." After she’d bandaged my cranium, she offered me a glass of champagne and a most welcome VSOP brandy. We chatted a bit about golf and I discovered that she was an avid player, with a four handicap. When I confessed to a weakness in my putting, she gave me a putting masterclass, holding me close and intimately as she did so. Finally I confessed, "I feel a lot better now, but I had better get going. I know my missus is going to be really upset with me being here with you." "Don't be daft” the woman said with a cheeky smile, “She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?" "Under the buggy," I replied




                                                   

Wit is often a mask. If you could peer behind its gossamer façade, you would find either genius irritated or cleverness wriggling. That’s why you should never let your mind wander. Summat that small shouldn’t be out on its own. Nurse, fetch the screens! Visit my website www.ComedianUK.com or email me: comedianuk@sky.com. Now, assume a comical position, and then strike the pose! Summer is a-comin’! It’s just on standby at the moment...