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Sunday 1 May 2016

Parting Is Such Sweet Sorrow....

The police came to my front door last night holding a picture of the missus, then asked, "Is this your wife, sir?" Shocked, I answered, Yeah" They said "I’m afraid it looks like she’s been hit by a bus". I replied, "I know that, but she has a jovial personality and she’s very good with the dogs"

Who is smarter, you or your dog? An American psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog’s I.Q. Here’s how it works. If you spend £12.99 for the DVD, your dog is the smarter one.

I was in my local chippy and the lady behind the counter sez, “Do you want to put your own salt & vinegar on?" I replied, "I've not brought any with me...."

A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. He shouted at her, "You aren't so good in bed either!" then stormed off to work. By mid-morning, he decided he'd better make amends and called home. "What took you so long to answer?" he politely enquired. "I was in bed," she replied. "What were you doing in bed this late?" "I’m getting a second opinion...”
It was the wife’s birthday. I said, “What do you want for your birthday, Fishface” She replied, “Don’t get lippy!” I sez, “Right! Mascara it is then!” I asked her why she drew her eyebrows so high. She seemed quite surprised at this remark. Because it was a special occasion I took her to a local restaurant. When they brought the food, she loudly declared, “Hang on a minute waiter, what’s your thumb doing on my steak?” The waiter replied, “It’s fell on the floor twice already!”

We’ve had the builders in over the last few weeks and they are very untidy. My frontage is most unkempt. Masses of rubble and other construction related detritus was blocking the front path. I sez to Dave, the builder, “I’d like to have a skip on the driveway.” He looked at me and replied, “Do whatever you want to.”

Parting is such sweet sorrow. I am away now until the autumn when this column will return. If you fancy a chortle in the interim period, then guffaw your way to my fantastic Jokey-Bloggington. Just follow the link below folks! Have a lovely summer. The sun’ll be crackin’ the flags!

If I could offer you some advice for the future: Dance like you are mortally injured. Make love like your being filmed and you need the money. Work when people are watching. Dress up in Lycra. Always leave a false name. Be legendary. Believe in Karma.If at first you don’t succeed, then redefine success. Visit my website and continue the quest! Email My life is based on a true story.

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