Can You Help!

                   

Dear readers. Can you help? My mate Dave has purchased tickets for the England v Wales European Championship tie on Saturday 16th June. He's just realised that this is his actual wedding day, so he's asked me if I know anyone who may be free that day and might like to get married. Let me know.




                                 

The teacher asked the class what their favourite animal was, and little Albert sez, "Fried chicken." She said that wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed. Albert’s parents always told him to always tell the truth. He did. Fried chicken was his favourite animal. Albert told his dad what had happened, and he said his teacher was probably a member of RSPCA. He said they love animals very much. Albert did too. Especially chicken, preferably the fried variety. Anyway, his teacher dispatched him to the headmaster’s office. Albert told him what had occurred, and he laughed, too! Then he told me not to do it again. The next day in class the teacher asked Albert what his favourite live animal was. He told her it was chicken. She asked him why, so he told her it was because you could make it into fried chicken. She sent Albert back to the headmaster's office. The headmaster chortled and told Albert not to do it again. Albert couldn’t comprehend. His parents taught him to be honest, but his teacher doesn't like it when he is. Today, his teacher asked the class to tell her what famous person they admired most. Albert told her, "Colonel Sanders." Guess where he is now...





This girl phoned me up yesterday morning and sez, "Come over - there's nobody here." I went over and sure enough, there was nobody there...



I bet that when cheetahs have a race and one of them cheats, the other one sez, “Man, you’re such a cheetah, you make me puma pants!” Then they both laugh hysterically and go and eat a zebra or summat. That’s the jungle for you!



Here's a fascinating fact: Did you know that being obese is considered beautiful in some primitive tribal communities such as those in Tahiti, Western Samoa and Cardiff.







What do we want?

More Acronyms!

When do we want them?

A.S.A..P....





Thought for Thursday: Why is it that people who have 54" plasma 3D TV's cannot afford curtains?



Don't let stress kill you off! Why not let me help? By reading this column regularly you will exercise your guffaw glands and laugh at all the fine jokes, superb entertainment and gracious hostility. Why not visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com or better still, gizzus a tweet on twitter.com/comedianuk You can email me too! comedianuk@sky.com




     

The Woodhead Pass....

                       

The missus sez that I’m very immature and that I need to grow up. I was totally speechless. However, it's hard to say anything when you have 45 jelly babies in your gob!


 

                           

The Highways Agency found over 200 dead crows on the A628 Woodhead Pass recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the ...bird's beaks and claws. By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with Lorries, while only 2% were killed by cars.
The Agency then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Lorry." You couldn’t make it up! Could you?

                                   

                       

A lovely young girl brings her boyfriend home to meet her parents. After having a barbeque, her mother tells her father, a wealthy business tycoon, to find out some more about this young man. He invites the boy to join himfor a game of snooker and a Coca-Cola in his games room.

"So what are your future plans?" the father asks the boy.

"I am a religious scholar and I genuinely want to marry your daughter," he replies.

"A scholar," the father says. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in and to which she is accustomed?"

"I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."

"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asks the father.

"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "God will provide for us."

"And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?"

"Don't worry sir, God will provide," replies the boy.

The conversation proceeds like this and each time the father questions him, the boy insists that God will provide.

Later, the mother asks, "Well, how did it go?"

The father answers, "The bad news is he has no job and no plans, but the good news is that he thinks I'm God."

                                           

If I could offer you some advice for the future: Dance like you are mortally injured. Make love like your being filmed and you need the money. Work when people are watching. Dress up in Lycra. Always leave a false name. Be legendary. Believe in Karma.If at first you don’t succeed, then redefine success. Visit my website http://www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me:comedianuk@sky.com



                           

Last Tuesday....

 
             

It was roasting hot last Wednesday and the missus was complaining about the girl who is our next-door neighbour sunbathing topless in the back garden. The wife asked me what I thought about it. I was sat on the fence...

                       

My mate Dave was the fittest person I ever knew. He attended the gymnasium seven days per week. He participated in The Ironman Triathlon, he even did back to back marathons before Eddie Izzard even thought about doing it. Then one day he went for a quick jog in the local park and suddenly...BANG! He met a girl, got married......and now he's a fat slob obese couch potato malingerer, just like the rest of us! You couldn’t make it up! Could you?


                                                             

 


Last Tuesday, on the golf course, I accidentally overturned my golf buggy on a steep incline. A very attractive woman, who lived in an apartment adjacent to the golf course, heard the racket, came out onto her balcony and shouted out to me, "Hey, are you okay"? "I'm fine, thanks," I replied. "You look injured", the voluptuous lady proclaimed, "Come up to my flat for a drink and I will help you get the buggy sorted out afterwards." "That's really sweet of you," I answered, “But I don't think my missus would like that." "Oh, come on," replied the woman, a gorgeous brunette in a sexy teeny-weeny yellow polka-dot bikini, insisted. "I can see you've cut your head. It could be serious. Let me take care of that right away. I work at Tameside Hospital. I'm a nurse". She was very persuasive....and I was weak. "Well alright," I agreed, but added, "But my wife won't like it." After she’d bandaged my cranium, she offered me a glass of champagne and a most welcome VSOP brandy. We chatted a bit about golf and I discovered that she was an avid player, with a four handicap. When I confessed to a weakness in my putting, she gave me a putting masterclass, holding me close and intimately as she did so. Finally I confessed, "I feel a lot better now, but I had better get going. I know my missus is going to be really upset with me being here with you." "Don't be daft” the woman said with a cheeky smile, “She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?" "Under the buggy," I replied




                                                   

Wit is often a mask. If you could peer behind its gossamer façade, you would find either genius irritated or cleverness wriggling. That’s why you should never let your mind wander. Summat that small shouldn’t be out on its own. Nurse, fetch the screens! Visit my website www.ComedianUK.com or email me: comedianuk@sky.com. Now, assume a comical position, and then strike the pose! Summer is a-comin’! It’s just on standby at the moment...
           

That Was The Week That Was....

PHOTOBOMB ALERT!!  @ Glossop Rugby Club.  With President Sean Wood & Jeff Probyn.

                          The Premier Lounge with Dean Saunders for Denton Town FC.

                                          With Bryan Robson @ The Premier Lounge.

Quiz of the Week....

                     

Please don’t dislike me because I’m handsome and and multi-talented. Dislike me because I’m an inveterate liar. I joined ‘Liars Anonymous’ last Tuesday morning and before the crack of noon, they made me Life President! I am now the proud recipient of a truly distinguished award, however, are awards important to us? When I was younger, I used to be very competitive and won copious amounts of trophies for different competitions. I used to play darts with the missus, until her head went blunt. Then, one day, I had that ‘Eureka!’ moment. I found out that there was no need to compete for trophies, because you could actually buy them on eBay! It was then that I started making big money on eBay. I sold a homing pigeon 541 times! Anyway, I digress. Try the following quiz. In my humble opinion, I think that you will find it quite illuminating.



1) Name the five wealthiest people in the world.

2) Name the last five X-Factor winners.

3) Name the last five winners of Celebrity Big Brother.

4) Name the golfer who won the US Open in 1998.

5) It was the BAFTA awards last weekend. But can you name the winners for best actor in 2010?



How did you do? Not very well, I surmise. The valid point I am trying to make is that none of us recollect the headliners of yesteryear, unless, of course you are compiling the weekly pub quiz. All of the above questions that I have set, do not include any second-rate achievers. The winners of these prestigious awards are the finest in their respective fields of expertise. However, applause dies, accolades dissipate and invariably awards tarnish. Praise and certificates are buried six foot under, along with their owners. Here’s another quiz, let’s see if you can do betterer.



1) Name a favourite teacher who assisted your journey through traumatic school days, all those years ago.

2) Give me the name of two of your mates, who have truly helped you through a difficult patch in your personal life.

3) Name five folk who have taught you summat worthwhile.

4) Name me five people who have made you feel appreciated and really special.

5) Give me the names of five individual friends, who you really enjoy spending a few hours with.



Was that easier? I wager that it was. The truth of the matter is, that the folk who make a positive difference in your life possess no credentials whatsoever. They are probably skint members, have no awards or expertise in any field. They are simply the ones who care the most. Here endeth the first lesson.



Real time slows as you approach the speed of light, whereas time flies when you’re having fun! So if you go slower. Do you have more fun or do you just get more light? Visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com Email me: comedianuk@sky.com. Now, get back to work. Summer is a-comin’!



               

Parting Is Such Sweet Sorrow....

The police came to my front door last night holding a picture of the missus, then asked, "Is this your wife, sir?" Shocked, I answered, Yeah" They said "I’m afraid it looks like she’s been hit by a bus". I replied, "I know that, but she has a jovial personality and she’s very good with the dogs"




Who is smarter, you or your dog? An American psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog’s I.Q. Here’s how it works. If you spend £12.99 for the DVD, your dog is the smarter one.

I was in my local chippy and the lady behind the counter sez, “Do you want to put your own salt & vinegar on?" I replied, "I've not brought any with me...."



A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. He shouted at her, "You aren't so good in bed either!" then stormed off to work. By mid-morning, he decided he'd better make amends and called home. "What took you so long to answer?" he politely enquired. "I was in bed," she replied. "What were you doing in bed this late?" "I’m getting a second opinion...”

It was the wife’s birthday. I said, “What do you want for your birthday, Fishface” She replied, “Don’t get lippy!” I sez, “Right! Mascara it is then!” I asked her why she drew her eyebrows so high. She seemed quite surprised at this remark. Because it was a special occasion I took her to a local restaurant. When they brought the food, she loudly declared, “Hang on a minute waiter, what’s your thumb doing on my steak?” The waiter replied, “It’s fell on the floor twice already!”






We’ve had the builders in over the last few weeks and they are very untidy. My frontage is most unkempt. Masses of rubble and other construction related detritus was blocking the front path. I sez to Dave, the builder, “I’d like to have a skip on the driveway.” He looked at me and replied, “Do whatever you want to.”

Parting is such sweet sorrow. I am away now until the autumn when this column will return. If you fancy a chortle in the interim period, then guffaw your way to my fantastic Jokey-Bloggington. Just follow the link below folks! Have a lovely summer. The sun’ll be crackin’ the flags!

If I could offer you some advice for the future: Dance like you are mortally injured. Make love like your being filmed and you need the money. Work when people are watching. Dress up in Lycra. Always leave a false name. Be legendary. Believe in Karma.If at first you don’t succeed, then redefine success. Visit my website http://www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me:comedianuk@sky.com My life is based on a true story.