The Greatest Man City Keeper!

                 

Breaking News: Bonnie Tyler is bringing out a ‘The Greatest Goalkeeper of Manchester City’ DVD. It's gonna be called ‘Totally Clips of Joe Hart.’ Fascinating!


                       

Still on the music front: The missus sez she’s leaving me due to my obsession with the Pet Shop Boys. What have I? What have I? What have I done to deserve this?
                                      

This morning, I contacted Tameside Hospital to let them know that if my wife's condition should deteriorate, I hereby give my full permission for them to switch off the life support machine. They curtly informed me that this isn't option for a sprained ankle....

                            

When it comes to mucking up everyday sayings, I've been that, done there, got the tea bag....


                                      

Angela Merkel flies into Athens to attend an economic summit. When she gets to Passport Control, the officer looks at her passport and sez, "Nationality?" She says, "German."  He answers, "Occupation?" She replies, "No, I'm only here for two days."

                           
                   

Yesterday afternoon, the missus called me on my mobile phone. "I've broken down in Tintwistle. I have water in the carburettor." she opined. "Where’s the car?" I asked. She sez, "It’s in the reservoir." When I got there she’d dipped the headlights as well. Oh, and now I know that the airbag works!



                           

Barmy Albert’s uncle was a taxidermist and had bequeathed him two stuffed dogs in his will. Albert decided to take them onto Dickenson’s Real Deal. "A pair of Bobby Dazzlers," said David Dickenson himself, "These are Tibetan Mastiffs’. They are a very rare and expensive breed, do you have any idea what they'd fetch, if they were still alive?" Albert thought for a minute and replied, "Sticks?"
                         

The missus decided to join an aerobics class. She bent, twisted, gyrated and jumped up and down for an hour. But, by the time she got her leotard on the class was over! She reckons that she has flabby thighs, luckily, her stomach covers them.


                       

Thought for Thursday: When you swim up a creek and an eel bites your cheek, that's a moray...


                                     

I’ve had a Eureka moment! Gentlemen. Listen up! I’ve finally worked it out. The best way to get a woman to change her mind is to agree with her in the first place! You heard it here first folks!

       

I've been hanging out at the local gym - I think I need to buy some bigger shorts!



                  

If you don't do anything else today, be sure to tell someone about the hilarious geezer called Austin Knight and this craze-ridden newspaper column! Spread the gospel around the local pub, the lap dancing bar, the dole office, on the train coming back from community service, on the bus returning from visiting your probation officer, and at 30,000 leagues beneath the sea. Okay, forget about the underwater gubbins but do all the rest, that's an order! Visit my website too! www.ComedianUK.com You can email me: comedianuk@sky.com    Now assume a comical position and strike the pose! Spring is a-comin'!

Top of FormTop of Form

Male Sensitivity Test………

   

1. In the company of females, sexual intercourse should be referred to as:

A. Lovemaking.

B. Fancy a back scuttle?

C. Taking the pigskin bus to up into Tuna Town.

                     

2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you’ve both shared:

A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.

B. Your blood-test results.

C. Five Jagerbombs.

                                   

             

3. You time your orgasm so that:

A. Your partner climaxes first.

B. B. You both climax simultaneously.

C. You don’t miss Man Utd v Milan on Sky Sports.
                                        

                   

4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:

A. Healthy, creative love-play.

B. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would agree to.

C. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend needs to ever find out about.

           

5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you’ve just had sex with is:

A. The best part of the experience.

B. The second best part of the experience.

C. £50 extra.
                   

6. Your wife/girlfriend says she’s gained ten pounds in the last month. You tell her that it is:

A. Of no influence whatsoever on your affectionate feelings for her.

B. Not a problem, she can join your gym.

C. A conservative estimate.

                     

7. You think today’s sensitive, caring man is:

A. A myth.

B. An oxymoron.

C. A moron.

                       

8. Foreplay is to sex as:

A. An appetizer is to entrée.

B. Primer is to paint.

C. A long queue is to an amusement park ride.

                                 

9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?

A. "I hope we can still be friends."

B. "I’m not in right now, please leave a message after the tone."                      

C. "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population, YOU!"


10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:

A. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy.

B. Is uptight and a waste of time.

C. Shouldn’t have sat next to you on the bus, in the first place.


Evaluating Results: If you answered "A" more than 7 times, check your pants to
make sure you really ARE a bloke.

If you answered "B" more than 7 times, check into therapy. You’re a tad confused.

If you answered "C" more than 7 times, "YOU DA MAIN MAN, DUDE!"

     

www.ComedianUK.com

Crack Cocaine Causes Weight Loss!

                    

Had an emergency visit to A & E at the local hospital yesterday afternoon, because I’d accidentally swallowed two tablets that were inadvertently left on the table. The doctor, (who was extremely perturbed with regard to my condition) immediately performed a stomach pump and subsequently retrieved an iPad and a Kindle. I feel so much better now!

Went to a local restaurant and the missus wasn’t keen on what was on the menu.
The waiter sez, "Would you like to hear the specials, madam?"
The wife replied, “Yes please” The waiter then sez,” Dis town, Ah ah, is comin’ like a ghost town!

                      

There is absolutely NO reason to tailgate me when I am driving at 50mph in a 30mph zone.

Furthermore, those flashing blue lights on the top of your car look totally ridiculous!

Starting next month due to budget cuts, the Immigration and Customs Dept will start deporting O.A.P’ s in order to lower the Social Security and pension budget. Older people are easier to catch and less likely to be able to remember how to get back home. That’s me gone then!
                  

Things are on the up! The good news is that the missus has landed a part-time job, washing dishes. She’s not keen on her new employment, because it’s at Jodrell Bank....

                

On Monday, I went to visit the opticians up Scropton Street. Whilst we were chatting, I told him that I can see four years into the future. He reckons I've got 2020 vision!


                      

We all make mistakes. Doing certain things without forethought. For instance, I should never have called my dog 'Shark'. I've been banned from so many beaches!

                     

Thought for Thursday: Just when the caterpillar thought the world was ending, he turned into a butterfly."



The headline in the newspaper was, "Crack Cocaine Causes Weight Loss." Well it would do, wouldn't it, when there's a gigantic purple dinosaur brandishing a laser powered rocket launcher, guarding the fridge. Tell us summat we don’t know!


                               

I was really squashed up next to a young blonde woman on the train from Manchester yesterday morning. She sez to me that I was 'Creepily close'. Well, if there had been someone else in the carriage, I'd have asked for their opinion. But there wasn't. So I couldn't....



       

Are all the other folks in your dormitory just plain jealous because the mysterious voices only talk to you? Is the hamster dead, but the wheel is still going round? Well, now you can go see for yourself with my amazing new Jokey-Blog at www.ComedianUK.com. It’s comedianuk@sky.com if you fancy sending me an email. Now, get

The Electron Quantum Physics Scenario....

Took the missus to a restaurant and she didn't really like anything on the menu.
Waiter: "Would you like to hear the specials, madam?"
The Missus: "Yes, please"
Waiter: " Dis town, Ah ah, Is comin like a ghost town!!.. All da clubs am closin' down.....

I really shouldn't be sat here writing this column right now, I should be back at the University of Manchester Institute of Science & Technology, where I'm currently studying 'Electron Quantum Physics'. But it's impossible to be in two places at once, isn't it?   A further mitigating factor is that my Yoga teacher turned up absolutely bladdered yesterday and left me in a very awkward position....

                                           

When Barmy Albert was a young lad, he lived in a suburb of Tameside. None of his classmates liked him because he was an utter moron, especially his teacher, who was always shouting at him, "You’re driving me pots for rags, Albert", the teacher would exclaim. One day Albert’s mum came to school to check on how he was doing. The teacher told her honestly, that her son was simply a disaster, getting very low marks, and never had she seen such a dumb kid in her entire teaching career. The mum was shocked at the feedback and withdrew her son from school and moved out of Stalybridge, relocating to Glossop. Now read on...

25 years later, the teacher was diagnosed with an incurable cardio disease. All the doctors strongly advised her to have heart surgery, which only one surgeon could perform. Left with no other options, the teacher decided to have the operation, which was successful. When she opened her eyes after the surgery she saw a handsome doctor smiling down at her. She wanted to thank him, but could not talk. Her face started to turn blue, she raised her hand, trying to tell him something, but eventually died. The doctor was shocked and was trying to work out what went wrong, when he turned around he saw Barmy Albert, who was working as a cleaner in the operating theatre and who had unplugged the oxygen equipment in order to connect his Hoover! Don't tell me you thought Barmy Albert became a heart-surgeon?

                                           

Last week, I sez to the missus, "What would you like for Valentines Day?" She replied, "You can get me anything from The Body Shop." So I've got her a front nearside wing for a Ford Focus. No doubt it'll be the wrong colour....


                                     

This blonde was selling her pet python and advertised in it in the local paper. A bloke rang up and asked if it was big. She sez, "It's massive." He said, “How many feet?" She replied, “None, it's a flamin’ snake!"





                   

I stepped back in amazement and the fella behind me stepped back further because he was amazed at how far back I'd stepped, primarily because I was exasperated with the same old boring jokes that are still being circulated around the pub and at work? I’m sure you are too, but no, not me. No sirree! I like the same old boring jokes and that's why I print them right here in this gloppy humour column every available chance I get. Accept me for what I am; completely unacceptable. Click on my joke blog: www.ComedianUK.com or better still email me: comedianuk@sky.com Oh, and If your phone didn’t ring yesterday, then it was me! Start the car!
                             

The Nasty Reaction....

   

While I was out on a gig, the missus sent me a text, informing me that she was in Casualty.  When I returned home, I watched all fifty minutes of it and never spotted her once. She still hasn’t returned home and I’m starving...


                       

I went to the doctor and told him that the pile ointment that he prescribed was causing a very nasty reaction. He sez to me, “Whereabouts are you applying it?” I replied, “On the bus...”

                       

Non-Stick Nora and Barmy Albert were meandering through a field, when Nora suddenly exclaimed, "Look Albert, there's a flock of goats!" Albert sez, "Herd of goats, you eeeeejjjut!" Nora replied, “Of course I heard of goats, there's a flamin' flock of 'em over there!"


                         

Last night, the missus was in the scullery fixing dinner. She’d break anything that woman! Anyway, we had Chicken Piri Piri. It was okay, but it kept repeating on me. When she’s cooking, she uses the smoke alarm as a timer....

                                   

This little girl sez to her Dad, "Daddy, I wish I had a little sister." Trying to be funny, the father replies, "Honey, you do have a sister." "I have?" questions the confused kid.... "Deffo," responds the dad. "You just don't see her because when you are coming in the front door, she is always leaving through the back door." The little girl gave this a few moments thought and remarked, "You mean like my other Daddy does?"
                                       

Just got a brand new 54’ Plasma TV, with surround sound! I bought it for £30 off a dodgy geezer in The Pit Bull & Stanley Knife Public House, up Scropton St (Behind the abattoir) there was just a slight problem with the volume control, but at that price, I couldn't turn it down....

                                   

Thought for Thursday: Breaking wind in a lift is wrong on so many levels...


                                     

This bloke goes into The Pit Bull & Stanley Knife Public House and orders a tankard of Farquaharsons Old & Filthy Best British Bitter Beer. After every glass of beer he pulls a picture out of his pocket and looks at it. After the fourth beer the landlord asks him why after every glass of beer he pulls the picture out and stares at it. The geezer sez: “It's a picture of my missus. When she looks good to me I'm going home.”


                             

Wit is often a mask. If you could peer behind its gossamer façade, you would find either genius irritated or cleverness wriggling. That’s why you should never let your mind wander. Summat that small shouldn’t be out on its own. Nurse, fetch the screens! Visit my website www.ComedianUK.com or email me: comedianuk@sky.com. Now, assume a comical position, and then strike the pose!

                     

The Best Of The Worst Country & Western Song Titles....

      

1 - Drop Kick Me, Jesus, Through The Goalposts Of Life

2 - Get Your Biscuits In The Oven And Your Buns In The Bed

3 - Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye

4 - Her Teeth Were Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure

5 - How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?

6 - How Can You Believe Me When I Say I Love You When You Know I've Been A Liar All My Life?

7 - I Been Roped And Thrown By Jesus In The Holy Ghost Corral

8 - I Changed Her Oil, She Changed My Life

9 - I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling

10 - I Fell In A Pile Of You And Got Love All Over Me

11 - I Flushed You From The Toilets Of My Heart.

12 - I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You

13 - I Wanna Whip Your Cow

14 - I Would Have Writ You A Letter, But I Couldn't Spell Yuck!

15 - I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dawg Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win

16 - I'd Rather Have A Bottle In Front Of Me Than A Frontal Lobotomy

17 - I'm Just A Bug On The Windshield Of Life

18 - I'm The Only Hell Mama Ever Raised

19 - I've Been Flushed From The Bathroom Of Your Heart

20 - I've Got The Hungries For Your Love And I'm Waiting In Your Welfare Line

21 - If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You

22 - If Love Were Oil, I'd Be A Quart Low

23 - If My Nose Were Full Of Nickels, I'd Blow It All On You

24 - If You Don't Leave Me Alone, I'll Go And Find Someone Else Who Will

25 - If You Leave Me, Can I Come Too?

26 - Mama Get The Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head)

27 - My Every Day Silver Is Plastic

28 - My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love Jesus

29 - My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field, While Your Dear John Was Breaking My Heart

30 - My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him

31 - Oh, I've Got Hair Oil On My Ears And My Glasses Are Slipping Down, But Baby I Can See Through You

32 - Pardon Me, I've Got Someone To Kill

33 - She Got The Gold Mine And I Got The Shaft

34 - She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger

35 - She Made Toothpicks Out Of The Timber Of My Heart

36 - She's Got Freckles On Her, But She's Pretty

37 - Thank God And Greyhound She's Gone

38 - They May Put Me In Prison, But They Can't Stop My Face From Breakin' Out

39 - Velcro Arms, Teflon Heart

40 - When You Leave Walk Out Backwards, So I'll Think You're Walking In

41 - You Can't Have Your Kate And Edith Too

42 - You Can't Roller Skate In A Buffalo Herd

43 - You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat

44 - You Were Only A Splinter As I Slid Down The Bannister Of Life

45 - You're The Reason Our Baby's So Ugly

46 - I Married Her Just Because She Looks Like You

47 - My Tears Have Washed "I Love You" Off The Blackboard Of My Heart

48 - Don't Cry On My Shoulders 'Cause You're Rustin' My Spurs

49 - I Can't Love Your Body If Your Heart's Not In It

50 - I Wish I Were In Dixie Tonight, But She's Out Of Town

51 - I'll Get Over You As Soon As You Get Out From Under Him

52 - I'm Gonna Hire A Wino To Decorate Our Home

53 - I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like Having You Here

54 - If She Puts Lipstick On My Dipstick I'll Fall In Love

55 - It Takes Me All Night Long To Do What I Used To Do All Night Long

56 - Learning To Live Again Is Killing Me

57 - Please Bypass This Heart

58 - She's Out Doing What I'm Here Doing Without

59 - Do You Love As Good As You Look?

60 - I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You

61 - I'm The Only Hell Mama Ever Raised

62 - If You Don't Believe I Love You Just Ask My Wife

63 - Timber, I'm Falling in Love

64 - You're the First Time I Thought About Leaving

65 - Love Will Beat Your Brains Out

66 - Guess My Eyes Were Bigger Than My Heart

67 - It Ain't Love but It Ain't Bad

68 - The Pint of No Return

69 - This Time I'm Gonna Beat You to the Truck

70 - Hell Stays Open All Night

71 - I'd Be Better Off in a Pine Box

72 - I've Got You on My Conscience But At Least You're Off My Back

73 - Bridge Washed Out, I Can't Swim and My Baby's on the Other Side

74 - The Worst You Ever Gave Me Was the Best I Ever Had

75 - She Even Woke Me Up to Say Goodbye

76 - We Used to Just Kiss on the Lips But Now It's All Over

77 - If You Keep Checking Up on Me (I'm Checking Out on You)

78 - It Don't Hurt Half as Bad as Holding You Feels Good

79 - If Fingerprints Showed Up On Skin, Wonder Whose I'd Find On You

80 - She Feels Like A New Man Tonight

81 - The Last Word In Lonesome Is "me"

82 - When We Get Back To the Farm (That's When We Really Go To Town

83 - You Stuck My Heart In a Old Tin Can and Shot It Off a Log

84 - He's Been Drunk Since His Wife's Gone Punk

85 - I Bought the Boots That Just Walked Out On Me

86 - Ever Since I Said "I Do," There's a Lot of Things You Don't

87 - The Next Time You Throw That Fryin' Pan, My Face Ain't Gonna Be There

88 - I Don't Know Whether to Come Home or Go Crazy

89 - If You Can't Feel It (It Ain't There)

90 - Her Body Couldn't Keep You Off My Mind

91 - I Got In At 2 With A 10 And Woke Up At 10 With A 2

92 - I Hate Every Bone In Your Body Except Mine

93 - I Just Bought A Car From The Guy That Stole My Girl, But The Car Don't Run So I Figure We Got An Even Deal

94 - I Knew I'd Hit Rock Bottom When I Woke Up On Top Of You

95 - I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well

96 - I Meant Every Word That He Said

97 - I'm Not Married But The Wife Is

98 - If Whiskey Were A Woman I'd Be Married For Sure

99 - Out Of My Head And Back In My Bed

100 - Swing Wide Your Gate Of Love

101 - Tennis Must Be Your Racket 'Cause Love Means Nothin' To You

102 - What Made Milwaukee Famous (Has Made a Loser Out of Me)

103 - Who You Gonna Believe, Me Or Your Lying Eyes?