BREAKING NEWS: Scottish river police have already intercepted 500 English migrants attempting to cross the tempestuous River Tweed, in overloaded and ramshackle craft. Chief Inspector Jock McTartan informed this reporter "This is the beginning of a whole new humanitarian crisis for Scotland, so it is. Who will take care of these pieces of Sassenach flotsam? Who will pay for all the free prescriptions and deep fried Mars Bars? Not us, Jimmy".
The UN are holding an emergency summit in Barbados to discuss how best to handle the immigration crisis.
Meanwhile those who survive the perilous crossing are being detained at a tent village just outside Greenock, while their applications for asylum are processed, they will be charged with loitering within tent.
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