In Layman's Terms - Static Electricity Explained...

Yesterday afternoon, Barmy Albert and I were walking through the reception area at the local abbatoir on Scropton Street, (Behind the gasworks) when he merely touched the brass door knob and was virtually pole-axed by the static electricity that was discharged. He turned to me and sez,” Foxtrot-Uniform-Charlie-Kilo! I wish someone would explain that flamin' static electricity gubbins to me.”

Well, Albert, here is the answer: Static electricity is an imbalance of electric charges within or on the surface of a material.  The charge remains until it is able to move away by means of an electric current or electrical discharge.

For modeling the effect of static discharge on sensitive electronic devices, a human being is represented as a capacitor of 100 picofarads, charged to a voltage of 4,000 to 35,000 volts.

When touching an object this energy is discharged in less than a microsecond:

If perchance, you are still having a little trouble understanding this concept, then the next photo will clarify the situation, so it will.                                       

Now, Albert do you understand?

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Fried Chicken.....

             

Our teacher asked what my favourite animal was and I said, "Fried chicken." She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right because everyone else laughed. My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favourite animal. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the headmaster's office. I > told him what happened and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.

I told my dad what happened and he said my teacher was probably a vegan. He said they love animals too much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef.
The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favourite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the headmaster's office. He laughed and told me not to do it again. I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.

Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most. I told her, "Colonel Sanders."
                  

Divorced Barbie Doll (Chestnut!)

                         

One day a father, on his way home from work, suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, 'How much for one of those Barbies in the display window?'

The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir? We have: Work Out Barbie for £19.95, Shopping Barbie for £19.95, Beach Barbie for £19.95, Disco Barbie for £19.95, Astronaut Barbie for £19.95, Skater Barbie for £19.95, and Divorced Barbie for £265.95'.

The amazed father asks: 'It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie £265.95 and the others only £19.95?'

Annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: 'Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made with Ken's balls.'

                           

Anthem Of the Seas.

I'm joining this brand new ship on Monday.  It's the flagship of the Royal Caribbean fleet.  Have a shufty!

Anthem of the Seas


Then, after that I'm back on the magnificent Caribbean Princess,

Cameron Announces New Cabinet...

The missus just sez to me, "Do you reckon I have too much lipstick on?" I replied, "It just depends if you plan on going out just to specifically kill Batman or not."

BBC Breaking News: "If you are obese, then this can reduce the possibility of contracting Alzheimers" This should have read: "Fat tw@ts will always remember where all the cakes are kept"


Have YOU had to walk 500 miles?
Were you advised to walk 500 miles?
YOU could be entitled to compensation.

Call the Pro Claimers NOW!

It's Bank Holiday Monday and Ryanair CEO Michael O'Leary was at Dublin airport and went into the bar and asked for a pint of Guinness. The barman sez, "That'll be one Euro, Mr O'Leary, please." O'Leary replied, "That's a very competitive price, so it is." The barman sez, "Would you be wantin' a glass with that?"

I was bladdered on a Ryanair plane and the police hauled me off and threw me in the cells. Then all the other passengers demanded an upgrade!


A Woman Writes....

Fresh from my shower, I stood in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small.

Instead of romantically telling me this is not true, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion: 'If you want your breasts to grow, then take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds every day'

Willing to try anything, I got a piece of toilet paper and stood in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. How long will this take?' I asked.
They will grow larger over a period of years,' my husband replies.

I stopped. 'Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?'

Without missing a beat he said 'Worked for your arse, didn't it?'

The idiot is still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.

Stupid, stupid man


I was making every endeavour to attempt to eschew obfuscation via the utilisation of sesquipedalian terminology, however, it has since emerged that I am a perpetrator of terminological inexactitudes and this will merely compound an already unfortunate farrago. So visit my all new Jokey-Bloggington and continue the quest! Just clickety-click on www.ComedianUK.com You can email me too! comedianuk@sky.com
Now, assume a comical position and strike the pose!

Scottish Devolution Takes New Direction...

BREAKING NEWS: Scottish river police have already intercepted 500 English migrants attempting to cross the tempestuous River Tweed, in overloaded and ramshackle craft. Chief Inspector Jock McTartan informed this reporter "This is the beginning of a whole new humanitarian crisis for Scotland, so it is. Who will take care of these pieces of Sassenach flotsam? Who will pay for all the free prescriptions and deep fried Mars Bars? Not us, Jimmy".

The UN are holding an emergency summit in Barbados to discuss how best to handle the immigration crisis.

Meanwhile those who survive the perilous crossing are being detained at a tent village just outside Greenock, while their applications for asylum are processed, they will be charged with loitering within tent.


                             

If you don't do anything else today, be sure to tell someone about the hilarious comic Austin Knight and this craze-ridden newspaper column! Spread the gospel around the local pub, the lap dancing bar, the dole office, on the train coming back from community service, on the bus returning from visiting your probation officer, and at 30,000 leagues beneath the sea. Okay, forget about the underwater gubbins but do all the rest, that's an order! Visit my website too! www.ComedianUK.com You can email me: comedianuk@sky.com

A Cynical View Of Life....

                                                       

1. We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea.

2. I'm not saying let's go kill all the stupid people. I'm just saying let's remove all the warning labels and let the problem work itself out.

3. I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.

4. You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by looking at her hands. If they are holding a gun, she's probably angry.

5. Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.

6. You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone. That's common sense leaving your body.

7. I don't like making plans for the day because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.

8. I didn't make it to the gym again today. That makes five years in a row.

9. I decided to stop calling the bathroom the John. I renamed it Jim. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.

10. To the paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for murderers: if you find one...what's your plan?

11. Going to war over religion is basically killing one another to see who's got the better imaginary friend...



                   

Miliband Trip Advisor....

             

Ed Miliband walks into a bank to cash a cheque. “Good morning”, says Ed, “could you please cash this cheque for me?”


Cashier: “It would be my pleasure Sir, but could you please show me some identification?”


Miliband: “Truthfully… I did not bring my ID with me as I didn’t think there was any need to. But hang on! I’m Ed Miliband, Leader of the Opposition and of the Labour Party!!!”


Cashier: ““Yes Sir, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors and forgers etc, I must insist on seeing some identification”.


Miliband: “Just ask any of the customers here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am!”


Cashier: “I’m sorry Sir, but these are the bank rules and I must follow them”.


Miliband: “I am urging you please, to cash this cheque for me”.


Cashier: “Look Sir, this is what we can do. One day Colin Montgomery came into the bank without any ID. To prove he was Colin Montgomery he pulled out his putter and putted a ball along the floor and into a small cup. With that sort of skill we knew it was Colin Montgomery and we cashed his cheque. On another occasion, Andy Murray came in without any ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and lobbed a tennis ball straight into my teacup with such a spectacular shot that we all knew it was Andy Murray.



Ed Miliband stood there thinking and thinking and then finally says, “To be honest, there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can’t think of a single thing that I’m any good at.”


Cashier: “Will it be large or small notes you require Mr Miliband.

Non-Stick Nora's First Cruise!

           

Non-Stick Nora's ON A CRUISE SHIP


DEAR DIARY - DAY 1


All packed for the cruise ship -- all my nicest dresses, swimsuits, short sets.. Really, really exciting.


My first cruise, - I can't wait!

------------------------------------------------------------


DEAR DIARY - DAY 2

Entire day at sea, beautiful. Saw whales and dolphins. Met the Captain today -- seems like a very nice man.


DEAR DIARY - DAY 3


At the pool today. Did some shuffleboard, hit golf balls off the deck. Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. Felt honoured and had a wonderful time. He is very attractive and attentive.---------------------------------------------------------

DEAR DIARY - DAY 4

Won $800.00 in the ship's casino. Captain asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin. Had a scrumptious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night, but I declined. Told him I could not be unfaithful to my husband.


DEAR DIARY - DAY 5


Pool again today. Got sunburned, and I went inside to drink at piano-bar, stayed there for rest of day. Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks.Really is quite charming.

Again asked me to visit his cabin for the night. Again I declined. He told me, if I did not let him have his way with me, he would sink the ship... I was shocked.



DEAR DIARY - DAY 6


Today, I saved 3,600 lives……Four times!