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Saturday 15 February 2014

Dress up in Lycra ~ Be legendary...

Breaking News: DFS are launching a waterproof sofa that will do 30 knots. Apparently, there's a sail on...

Art, Bart and Fargo are three regular characters who frequent my local pub, ‘The Pit Bull & Stanley Knife.’ They were languishing in the games room the other night enjoying a few pints of Farquaharsons Old & Filthy Best British Bitter Beer, when they decided to participate in the weekly raffle. They bought five £1 tickets apiece, upon seeing it was for the ‘Unknown Warriors Mother Fund’ charity. The following week, when the raffle was drawn, they had each won a prize! Art won the first prize - a bottle of malt whiskey. Bart was the winner of the second prize – A bottle of champagne. And Fargo won the tenth prize - a toilet brush. When they met in the pub a week later, Fargo asked the others how they were enjoying their prizes. ‘Great,’ said Bart ‘I love malt whiskey’ I adore champagne,’ said Art. ‘And how's the bog brush, Fargo?’ ‘Not so good,’ Fargo replied, ‘I reckon I'll go back to paper’

Consider me this: If the government wants a scheme to get long term sick and perennial Job-Seekers Allowance claimants back to work, then just tell them that they're self employed! Sorted innit bro! Start the car.

Yesterday, I gave the local odd-job man a list of ten jobs to do, while I was out. He was totally USELESS! When I came back, he'd only done 1 - 3 - 5 and 7.

I was in the supermarket yesterday, when this miserable looking harridan was on the check-out, she possessed all the charisma of a bilious badger with bunions. When I came to pay, having only purchased a litre of milk, but having no change. "£1.03 please" "Sorry this is all I've got," as I handed her a twenty quid note. "Haven't you got anything smaller, 'coz it will take all my change, and I don't wanna count out £18.97?" she replied, gurning a saturnine grimace. "I've got nothing, if that helps," I replied. She didn't get the joke, so I thought sod it, I'll pay by card. "Shall I pay by card?" I politely enquired, "Don't do me no favours," she snapped. I kept my cool and just put my PIN in. "Cash back?" she asked sarcastically. I couldn't resist it... "Oh yes, £18.97 please."

Q) What's the difference between a kangaroo and a kangaroot?
A) One is a marsupial, the other is a Geordie bloke stuck in a lift!

If I could offer you some advice for the future: Dance like you are mortally injured. Make love like your being filmed and you need the money. Work when people are watching. Dress up in Lycra. Always leave a false name. Be legendary. Believe in Karma. If at first you don’t succeed, then redefine success. Visit my website and continue the quest! Email Now assume a comical position, and strike the pose dude!

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