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Saturday 22 February 2014


Are you bamboozled by technology? I most certainly am. It doesn’t matter how hard I try, it’s impossible to beat my computer at chess. However, kick boxing is another matter.

DFS are launching a waterproof sofa that will do 30 knots. Apparently, there's a sail on...

This bloke comes home early from work, only to discover his best friend in bed with his wife. Anger took over and he got a gun and shot him dead! His wife looked up at him in a bewildered fashion and exclaimed, “If you carry on like this, you’re gonna have no friends left.”

The age of chivalry is not dead! Indeed, I opened the door for a lady yesterday. I don't usually engage in such frippery, but she was blonde, seemed quite perplexed and obviously couldn't fathom it out for herself.

Alex Salmond went to see the Queen to ask about Scotland being independent. The Queen rejected his first suggestion of making Scotland a Principality as that " that would make you a Prince". Salmond then queried if Scotland could become a Kingdom. "No" replied the Queen "as that would make you a King". Her Majesty was concerned that Salmond was about to burst into tears, so being as helpful as she could she attempted to console him saying "I think though that Scotland could be a country".

A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman. "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied. She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman, "I would like to buy this TV."
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied. "Darn, he recognized me," she thought.
She went for a complete disguise this time; haircut and new colour, new outfit, big sunglasses, and then waited a few days before she again approached the salesman. "I would like to buy this TV." "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied. Frustrated, she exclaimed, "How do you know I'm a blonde?" "Because that's a microwave," he replied.

As I was sauntering down the High Street, I spotted that the local pizza shop had a sign in the window - "50% off all 18 inch pizzas". Surely that's just a nine inch pizza?

I'm currently building a time machine so I can travel fifty years into the future and see if Wagon Wheels are the size of five pence pieces.

I came home from the pub yesterday, only to find the missus stood in the garden, whilst the local fire brigade were dousing the flames in our kitchenette. I said to my wife, "Why didn't you ring me?" "What could you have done?" she asked. I replied, "Well, I could have gone to Wetherspoons and got a bite to eat there."

Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica, where do they go? Wonder no more. It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life. If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried. The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing: "Freeze a jolly good fellow." Then they kick him in the ice hole. So, now we know. Fascinating innit!!

I was making every endeavour to attempt to eschew obfuscation via the utilisation of sesquipedalian terminology, however, it has since emerged that I am a perpetrator of terminological inexactitudes and this will merely compound an already unfortunate farrago. So visit my all new Jokey-Bloggington and continue the quest! Just clickety-click on You can email me too!

Now, assume a comical position and strike the pose!

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