The Agreement...

A 5 year old boy and his 3 year old brother are upstairs in their bedroom. 'You know what?' says the 5 year old, 'I think it's about time we started swearing.'

The 3 year old nods his head in approval, so the 5 year old says: 'When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gunna swear first, then you swear after me, OK?'

'Ok,' the 3 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 5 year old what he wants for breakfast.

'Oh, shit Mum, I don't know, I think I’’ll have some Cornflakes.'

WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.

She looked at the 3 year old and asked with a stern voice, 'And what do you want for breakfast, young man?'

'I don't know,' 'but it won't be fucking Cornflakes!'

Bamboozled?

Are you bamboozled by technology? I most certainly am. It doesn’t matter how hard I try, it’s impossible to beat my computer at chess. However, kick boxing is another matter.

DFS are launching a waterproof sofa that will do 30 knots. Apparently, there's a sail on...

This bloke comes home early from work, only to discover his best friend in bed with his wife. Anger took over and he got a gun and shot him dead! His wife looked up at him in a bewildered fashion and exclaimed, “If you carry on like this, you’re gonna have no friends left.”

The age of chivalry is not dead! Indeed, I opened the door for a lady yesterday. I don't usually engage in such frippery, but she was blonde, seemed quite perplexed and obviously couldn't fathom it out for herself.

Alex Salmond went to see the Queen to ask about Scotland being independent. The Queen rejected his first suggestion of making Scotland a Principality as that " that would make you a Prince". Salmond then queried if Scotland could become a Kingdom. "No" replied the Queen "as that would make you a King". Her Majesty was concerned that Salmond was about to burst into tears, so being as helpful as she could she attempted to console him saying "I think though that Scotland could be a country".

A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman. "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied. She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman, "I would like to buy this TV."
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied. "Darn, he recognized me," she thought.
She went for a complete disguise this time; haircut and new colour, new outfit, big sunglasses, and then waited a few days before she again approached the salesman. "I would like to buy this TV." "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied. Frustrated, she exclaimed, "How do you know I'm a blonde?" "Because that's a microwave," he replied.



As I was sauntering down the High Street, I spotted that the local pizza shop had a sign in the window - "50% off all 18 inch pizzas". Surely that's just a nine inch pizza?



I'm currently building a time machine so I can travel fifty years into the future and see if Wagon Wheels are the size of five pence pieces.



I came home from the pub yesterday, only to find the missus stood in the garden, whilst the local fire brigade were dousing the flames in our kitchenette. I said to my wife, "Why didn't you ring me?" "What could you have done?" she asked. I replied, "Well, I could have gone to Wetherspoons and got a bite to eat there."





Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica, where do they go? Wonder no more. It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life. If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried. The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing: "Freeze a jolly good fellow." Then they kick him in the ice hole. So, now we know. Fascinating innit!!



I was making every endeavour to attempt to eschew obfuscation via the utilisation of sesquipedalian terminology, however, it has since emerged that I am a perpetrator of terminological inexactitudes and this will merely compound an already unfortunate farrago. So visit my all new Jokey-Bloggington and continue the quest! Just clickety-click on www.ComedianUK.com You can email me too! comedianuk@sky.com

Now, assume a comical position and strike the pose!

The Undertaker...

Roy, an undertaker, recently came home with a black eye.

"What happened to you?" asked his wife.

"I had a terrible day." replied Roy. "I had to go to a hotel and pick up a man who had died in his sleep. When I got there, the manager said they couldn't get him into a body bag because he had this huge erection. Anyway, I went up and sure enough there was this big naked guy lying on the bed with this huge erection. So I grabbed it with both hands and tried to snap it in half."

"I see" said his wife, "but how did you get the black eye?"

Roy replied: "Wrong room."

The Golden Urinal...

A guy comes home completely drunk one night. He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy.

"Where the hell have you been all night?" she demands.

"At this new bar," he says. "The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden. It's got huge golden doors, a golden floor and even the urinal's gold!"

The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the next day checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the place to check her husband's story.

"Is this the Golden Saloon?" she asks when the bartender answers the phone.

"Yes it is," bartender answers.

"Do you have huge golden doors?"

"Sure do."

"Do you have golden floors?"

"Most certainly do"

"What about golden urinals?"

There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling, "Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that pissed in your saxophone last night!"

The Old Hunter...

For his quarterly check-up, the doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said," Things are great And I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride, who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that Doc?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute. And then began to tell a story.
"I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge. He realised he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'. Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.
The 86-year-old said, "Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

Dress up in Lycra ~ Be legendary...

Breaking News: DFS are launching a waterproof sofa that will do 30 knots. Apparently, there's a sail on...

Art, Bart and Fargo are three regular characters who frequent my local pub, ‘The Pit Bull & Stanley Knife.’ They were languishing in the games room the other night enjoying a few pints of Farquaharsons Old & Filthy Best British Bitter Beer, when they decided to participate in the weekly raffle. They bought five £1 tickets apiece, upon seeing it was for the ‘Unknown Warriors Mother Fund’ charity. The following week, when the raffle was drawn, they had each won a prize! Art won the first prize - a bottle of malt whiskey. Bart was the winner of the second prize – A bottle of champagne. And Fargo won the tenth prize - a toilet brush. When they met in the pub a week later, Fargo asked the others how they were enjoying their prizes. ‘Great,’ said Bart ‘I love malt whiskey’ I adore champagne,’ said Art. ‘And how's the bog brush, Fargo?’ ‘Not so good,’ Fargo replied, ‘I reckon I'll go back to paper’

Consider me this: If the government wants a scheme to get long term sick and perennial Job-Seekers Allowance claimants back to work, then just tell them that they're self employed! Sorted innit bro! Start the car.

Yesterday, I gave the local odd-job man a list of ten jobs to do, while I was out. He was totally USELESS! When I came back, he'd only done 1 - 3 - 5 and 7.

I was in the supermarket yesterday, when this miserable looking harridan was on the check-out, she possessed all the charisma of a bilious badger with bunions. When I came to pay, having only purchased a litre of milk, but having no change. "£1.03 please" "Sorry this is all I've got," as I handed her a twenty quid note. "Haven't you got anything smaller, 'coz it will take all my change, and I don't wanna count out £18.97?" she replied, gurning a saturnine grimace. "I've got nothing, if that helps," I replied. She didn't get the joke, so I thought sod it, I'll pay by card. "Shall I pay by card?" I politely enquired, "Don't do me no favours," she snapped. I kept my cool and just put my PIN in. "Cash back?" she asked sarcastically. I couldn't resist it... "Oh yes, £18.97 please."

Q) What's the difference between a kangaroo and a kangaroot?
A) One is a marsupial, the other is a Geordie bloke stuck in a lift!

If I could offer you some advice for the future: Dance like you are mortally injured. Make love like your being filmed and you need the money. Work when people are watching. Dress up in Lycra. Always leave a false name. Be legendary. Believe in Karma. If at first you don’t succeed, then redefine success. Visit my website http://www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me:comedianuk@sky.com Now assume a comical position, and strike the pose dude!

Valentines Day Moussaka...

To all you beautiful girls out there, Happy Valentines day. To all you ladies who might be described as being on the 'avant garde side of petite,'  then chins up, it's Pancake day next week. With it being Valentines Day today, I've just said those three little words to the missus. "I'm off out..."

On Valentines Day, Barmy Albert decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend, Non-Stick Nora. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning his golf clubs and Nora was standing there watching him. After a long period of silence she finally spoke. "Albert, I've been thinking, now that we are married I think it's time you quit golfing. Maybe you should sell your golf clubs." Albert's face took on such a look of horror that Nora was frightened. "Darling, what's wrong?" she asked. ”Just for a minute there, you sounded like my ex-wife.” Declared Albert. "Ex-wife?" she screamed. "I never knew you were married before!" With a saturnine grimace, Albert replied, "I wasn't..."

Fascinating Fact: Studies at The Metropolitan University of Manchester have shown that if your parents never had children, the chances are that you won't either. Incredible!

Top Tip No 4834: Gentlemen, listen up! If your girlfriend or wife ever says summat like "If anything ever happens to me, then I really want you to meet someone new." Take note that ‘Anything" doesn't include getting stuck in traffic at the end of the M67.

Ever since I was a child, I've always had a morbid fear of thinking that there was a ‘bogey-man’ under my bed at night. So I went to see a psychiatrist to seek learned counselling on this underlying issue. I told him: “I've got severe problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm frightened and I think I'm going bananas.” “Just put your good self in my hands for twelve months,” said the shrink. “Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to rid you of those fears...” “How much do you charge?” “£80 plus VAT per appointment,” replied the doctor. “I'll sleep on it,” I said. Six months later, I bumped into the doctor on the High Street. “Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?” he asked. “Well, at eighty quid plus VAT per visit, multiplied by three times a week, for a whole year is an awful lot of moolah! The barman at Wetherspoons cured me for nothing. I was so happy to have saved all that money, that I went and bought myself a new Land Rover Discovery!” “Is that right!” With a bit of an attitude, he replied, “And how, may I ask, did a mere barperson cure you?” “He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't anybody under there now!”

Sharon & Tracey were having lunch together, and were discussing the merits of plastic surgery. Sharon says, "I'll be honest, I'm gonna have boob job." Tracey replies, "Well, I'm seriously considering getting my arsehole bleached." To which Sharon replies, "Whoa, I just can't picture your hubby as a blonde."

Are you exasperated with the same old boring jokes that are still being circulated around the pub and within the workplace? Sure you are, but no, not me. No sirree. I like the same old boring jokes and that's why I print them right here in this gloppy humour column every available chance I get. Accept me for what I am; completely unacceptable. Click on my joke blog: www.ComedianUK.com or better still email me: comedianuk@sky.com Oh, and If your phone didn’t ring yesterday, then it was me! Start the car!

The February Syndrome...

Welcome to February! It’s spelt in a rather odd fashion isn’t it? I reckon that the person who invented the word February, must have also had summat to do with the spelling of Wednesday. I don’t get even. I get odder.

Barmy Albert was lying in bed with Non-Stick Nora one night, and Albert was nodding off. His appointment with Mister Sandman was not to be delayed. However, Nora had other ideas. She was in a romantic mood and wanted to chat. She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily, Albert reached across, held Nora’s hand for a second and then tried to get back to kip. A few moments later she said: "Then you used to snog me." Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled back down to snoringtons. Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to nibble my ears." Angrily, Barmy Albert threw back the duvet and stormed off out of bed. "Where are you going?" Nora asked. Albert gazed at her, with eyes like burning embers and replied, "To fetch me teeth!"

I’ve had a Eureka moment! Gentlemen. Listen up! I’ve finally worked it out. The best way to get a woman to change her mind is to agree with her in the first place! You heard it here first folks!

From an early age, I always assumed that my father worked at a manufacturing plant that produced toilet rolls and light bulbs. This is because that’s all he ever brought home. My Dad was always very competitive. I remember him saying to me: “How old are you now, son?” I replied, “Eight.” He said, “When I was your age, I was nine!” I had a serious nut allergy and he used to play ‘Russian Roulette’ with me, using a bag of Revels.

A guy approaches the window of the cinema with a chicken under his arm, and asks for two tickets. The girl at the counter wants to know who is going in with him. He replies, "Well, my pet chicken, of course!" The girl tells him that he cannot take a chicken into the cinema, so he goes around the corner, stuffs the chicken into his trousers, and returns. He buys his ticket and goes in. Inside the theatre, the chicken starts to get hot and begins to squirm, so the man unzips his fly so the chicken can stick its head out, get some air and watch the movie. Sitting next to him is Agnes. She elbows Myrtle and whispers, "Myrtle, this man over here has just unzipped his pants!" Myrtle whispers back, "Oh, don't worry about it.....you've seen one, you've seen ‘em all." Agnes says, "I KNOW......but this one's eating my popcorn!''

Real time slows as you approach the speed of light, whereas time flies when you’re having fun! So if you go slower. Do you have more fun or do you just get more light? Visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com Email me: comedianuk@sky.com. Now, get back to work.