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Sunday 13 October 2013

Non-Stick Nora & Barmy Albert Strike Again!

It's been reported that Hollywood producers are keen to start filming Back to the Future 4. I saw all the ‘Back to the Future’ movies, but not once did I see anyone walking along texting on their mobile phone. The missus and I once watched them all back to back. Hopefully next time we'll be facing the TV.

Non-Stick Nora didn’t like flying, so when going away on holiday, she went everywhere by boat. Unfortunately, last time she was on a boat, it sank. A plane hit it!

I Saw a Miley Cyrus tribute act last night at the local Twerking Mens Club. We live in strange times. Apparently, Twerking and Selfie have been added to the dictionary, whereas, Future and Optimism have been removed.

Breaking News: Nick in Corrie has got his memory back and has remembered that he never went to Drama and Acting school !!! Just his ears are an act on their own. They make Prince Charles look like a recluse!

Yesterday, I saw an Automobile Association van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself, ‘That guy is heading for a breakdown’.

Councils say they're losing £30 million a year in unpaid parking fines. If they halve the cost of a fine, they'll only lose £15 million.

I'll never forget how happy I was when I saw my missus walking down the aisle towards me. My heart was beating fast and the excitement was unbearable. It seemed to take an age, but eventually there she was, standing beside me. I gave her a loving smile and said, "Get that trolley over here love. They're doing two cases of Stella Artois, for the price of one!"

I bumped into my next-door neighbour Barmy Albert on the High Street. He had two black eyes. I asked him what had happened?" He replied, "I was standing behind a rather large woman at the supermarket checkout, I noticed that her dress was caught in the nape of her bottom, so I pulled it out. She turned around and punched me square in the eye." "Where did you get the other shiner from?" I politely enquired. "Well I figured she preferred it the way it was before, so I pushed it back in."

Next time you are going away on a holiday, just for a laugh, send a postcard home to yourself saying the following: ‘Weather is roasting hot, sun is cracking the flags. The hotel is absolutely superb and the food is brilliant. We are having tons of fun! .... P.S. Are you still planning to murder your postman?"

This weekly humour column may exacerbate chronic halitosis, mental aberration, repetitive spasmodic squinting. Imflamed haemorrhoids could hang down lower than a beggars cap. It will enhance Joggers Nipple, Strapadichtomy, Tourettes and Varicose Brain Syndrome. For further jocular clarification, why not visit my website. Just clickety-click on You can also email me: Now, get back to work!

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