Charisma & Presence...

NEVER Light up a palm tree!!

Christmas is like any other day for most blokes. Sat at the table with a plump bird that dosen't gobble any more. Ho Ho Ho Hum.....

We were having a Christmas 'do' in a local restaurant and the waiter came across and asked the missus, "Would you like to order?"  The wife sez, "I don't like nowt on the menu."  Quick as a flash, the waiter sez, "Would you like to hear the specials, madam?"  She replied , "Yes, I would."  The waiter sez, "Dis place. comin' like a ghost town..." Ah hah....

Dyslexic geezer in a pub went up to this girl on Christmas Eve and sez, "Can I kiss you under the camel toe?" That's when the fight started!

I really upset the missus on Christmas day by calling her mother a witch. To be fair I don't really think her mother is a witch. But, when someone asks you, "Why did you set my mum on fire?" Being a comedian, you just have to ad-lib and think on your feet!

After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy. Nothing.

I would like to share a personal experience with all my readers about drinking and driving. As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from an occasional social session over the years. On Christmas Eve, I was out for an evening with Barmy Albert and Non-Stick Nora at my local pub, The Pit Bull & Stanley Knife, then we went into Staley-Vegas to a night club, had a couple of cocktails and some rather nice red wine. Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before, I took a bus home. Sure enough, I passed a police road check but, since it was a bus, they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise as I have never driven a bus before.

I sez to this bird in the pub, "Can I kiss you under the mistletoe?" She replied, " I wouldn't kiss you under an anaesthetic!"..... Oh dear, hat & coat time already..

Yesterday, I informed Barmy Albert, "According to my new calendar, Christmas Day is on a Friday next year". He looked at me and replied, "Let's hope it's not the 13th then." They walk amongst us!

The missus found a pair of ladies knickers in me jacket pocket. "What's all this then?" She demanded. "They're me Christmas knickers." I sez. "What do you mean?" She asked. "They're Carol's" I replied....

Thought for Thursday: Divorce is very much like algebra. You look at your X and think Y.

A Jewish Christmas

The teacher asked young Patrick Murphy: "What do you do at Christmas time?

 Patrick addressed the class: "Well Ms. Jones, me and my twelve brothers and sisters go to midnight mass and we sing hymns; then we come home very late and we put mince pies by the back door and hang up our stockings. Then all excited, we go to bed and wait for Father Christmas to come with all our toys.

"Very nice Patrick," she said. "Now Jimmy Brown, what do you do at Christmas?"

Well, Ms. Jones, me and my sister also go to church with Mom and Dad and we sing carols and we get home ever so late. We put cookies and milk by the chimney and we hang up our stockings. We hardly sleep, waiting for Santa Claus to bring our presents.

Realizing there was a Jewish boy in the class and not wanting to leave him out of the discussion, she asked, "Now, Isaac Cohen, what do you at Christmas?"

Isaac said, "Well, it's the same thing every year...Dad comes home from our Toy Shop. We all pile into the Rolls Royce drive to Dad's Shop. When we get inside, we look at all the empty shelves...And begin to sing: "What A Friend We Have in Jesus". Then we all fly off to the Barbados!"


                                         Christmas Day Exercise Routine....

All the local kids are taking the piss out of my having Alzheimers. The joke will be on them come Christmas day morning when they find that there are no eggs under the bonfire!

The Zipper and Obama meets the Thai Prime Minister...

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more. For the second time, attempted the step, and, once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!'


The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends

Have a cool yule!

Santa says to his chief elf, "I'm sick of the same old rubbish, year after year. I run about like a moron in this stupid red outfit, and at the end of each year I've got absolutely zero to show for it". His elf replies "How do you think Stephen Gerrard feels?"

Divorce is much akin to algebra. Have you ever looked at the X and wondered Y?

I went to the doctors yesterday and after a thorough examination, he reckons that I might have contracted pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis, but at the moment it's hard to say.

"Don't open that wardrobe door", screamed the missus, "Your Christmas present is in there!" "Too late," I said, pulling open the door. "You do get me the most awful presents!" I said, peering inside. "Why would I want a half- naked milkman?"

After queuing at Tesco for what seemed ages, I finally got to the checkout and asked the girl, “Can’t you do this any cheaper?”    "I'm afraid not" she sniffed, “If we did it for you, then we would have to do it for everybody".  “Yes, I agree,” I sez,   “but it has today's date on it. If nobody buys it then it's just going to get chucked away in any event."  She gazed at me, with a saturnine grimace and replied, "Look sir, you're holding up the queue, do you want this newspaper or not?"

It was Christmas and the judge was not in a very merry mood. He asked the prisoner, "What are you charged with?”  The prisoner replied, "Doing my Christmas shopping too early." "That’s no crime," said the judge. "Just how early were you doing this shopping?   "Before the store opened," answered the prisoner.

Thought for Thursday: Why doesn’t the local council use all the tarmac they squander making road humps to fill all the copious potholes in our ravaged highway infrastucture? 

With Christmastide on the horizon, I made a point this week to finish off a few things that I have started. So today, I’ve finished off half a bottle of vodka, a tin of Quality Street, two cans of lager that I found at the back of the kitchen cupboard and a large packet of Nachos, that went ‘out of date’ in September 2008. They tasted okay to me! Visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com or email me: austin.knight@homecall.co.uk.   Now, get back to work and shovel that snow!

For the Christmas period....

A study conducted by University of Manchester Institute of Science & Technology has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.

For example: if she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is menstruating or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a pair of scissors lodged in his chest with a cricket bat up his arse while he is set on fire.

No further studies are expected on this subject.

Ten things you can only say at Christmas....

THINGS YOU CAN ONLY SAY AT CHRISTMAS


1: I prefer breasts to legs.
2: Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3: Smother the butter all over the breasts.
4: If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst!
5: I've never seen a better spread!
6: I fancy a little dark meat for a change.
7: Are you ready for seconds yet?
8: It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
9: Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
10: Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.  






REMEMBER THIS AT CHRISTMAS TIME



According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring. Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl. We should've known ... ONLY women would be able to drag a fat-ass man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost!

THE CHAV NATIVITY:
There’s this bird called Mary, yeah? She’s a virgin (wossat then?) She’s not married or nuffink, but she’s got this boyfriend, Joey, innit? He well fit ann does joinery an’ that. Mary lives with him in a crib darn Nazaref. One day Mary meets this bloke Gabriel. She’s like `Oi Oo ya lookin at?’ Gabriel just goes ‘You got one in da club.’ Mary’s totally gobsmacked. She gives it to him large ‘Stop dissin’ me yeah? I ain’t no Kappa-slapper. I aint never bin wiv no one!’ Yeah, but no, but yeah!

Two Feet of Snow.....

Its late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in Mattawa asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared. But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the Weather Network and asked, 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?' 'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,' the meteorologist at the weather service responded. So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared. A week later, he called the Weather Network again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?  'Yes,' the man at Weather Service again replied, 'it's going to be a very cold winter.' The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find. Two weeks later, the chief called the Weather Network again. 'Are you absolutely sure that this winter is going to be very cold? 'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters that we've ever seen.' 'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked. The weatherman replied, 'Because the Indians are collecting a shitload of firewood'

Rio Ferdinand hit by coin!!

You can tell that the build up to the 2016 Olympics in Brazil have now started. People are already throwing money at Rio.



It has been confirmed that the coin that struck Rio Ferdinand was actually a Euro, and Man City fans no longer have any need for them



The Rio Ferdinand coin throwing incident would never of happened at Anfield. Nobody would get hurt when you throw a Giro!

Fishing With A Hand Grenade? Don't do this at home folks!!

www.Comedian.ws

New Statue of Sir Alex Ferguson..

The first Christmas joke - and it is Scottish!!! A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.” 'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams. “We can't stand the sight of each other any longer” the father says. “We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”
Frantically, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like hell they're getting divorced!” she shouts, “I'll take care of this!” She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father “You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. 'Sorted! They're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way.'

    H from Steps is brown bread!