The Olympic Games committee are struggling to convince the Somalian team that sailing and shooting are two entirely separate events...
I sez to the missus, "Have you seen these new Olympic Games condoms? There's gold, silver and bronze!" She sez, "Get some silver ones and try coming second for a change!"
Warwick Hunt, the owner of the restaurant drove up in his brand new Range Rover Evoque and one of the waiters was so mesmerised that he couldn't cease admiring the vehicle. "What a fantastic car," sez the waiter excitedly. "Well," sez the boss, "If you work really hard, be punctual, show due diligence and put double the hours in, then I'll have a Bentley next year."
I attended a wedding at the weekend. I whispered to the bloke next to me, "The brides a bit of an ugly bleeder isn't she?" "Do you mind, That's my daughter you're talking about!" "I'm terribly sorry, I didn't know you were her father..." I replied. "I'm not!" "I'm her mother you cheeky sod!"....
Fascinating Fact No 1: Statistics prove that one in every three women are just as difficult and argumentative as the other two...
The sprog Susannah asked if we could go to McDonald's Restaurant. I informed her that I would take her to McDonald's Restaurant if she could spell it. She thought for a moment and replied, "Let's go to KFC then!"
She's single. Lives right across our street. I watched as she got home from work yesterday evening. I was surprised when she walked across the street and up my driveway. She knocked on MY door... I rushed to open it. She gazed at ...me with eyes like burning embers, and sez, “I just got home, and I am so horny! I have this strong urge to have a good time, get drunk, and make love all night long! Are you busy tonight?” I immediately replied, “Nope, I'm free... I have no plans at all!” Then she said, “Good! In that case, could you mind my dog?"
The missus just phoned me and sez, "I'm just in Tesco getting some milk, do you need anything?" "It depends" I replied, "Did you drive or walk?" She said, "I walked here," "Right, I'll have six bags of potatoes and four watermelons please."
Fascinating Fact No 2: Did you know that Las Vegas and Wigan are the only two places on Earth where you can pay for sex in return for chips...
I've installed strobe lights in the bedroom. The missus looks like she's moving now during sex. I left her breathless in bed last night. I hid her inhaler!
I've been working on a voluntary basis for The Samaritans but didn't feel like going in today. I phoned in sick and they talked me out of it....
Back onboard the magnificent vessel that is Carnival Breeze today. Fly to Naples, then get off at Venice in a few days. Lots of muggers and pickpockets in Venice. It's not safe to swim the streets! With the recession, Tenerife is now Fiverife and the capital of Greece is 8 quid.... Take a virtual tour! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rsK4l2rKqTM
