Editorial for Thursday November 4th 2010

Just FIFTY days to Christmas, the countdown is on! The shops and supermarkets have been full of tinsel, selection boxes and Christmas puds for many a month already, so they are well prepared for the forthcoming onslaught. But what about Santa? He really must get totally fed up with it all every year.

Santa sez to his Chief Elf, “I’m getting sick of this every year, I have to wear this daft red outfit, do all the work myself, end up with absolutely nothing and look a right idiot.” The Elf replied, “Now you know how Steven Gerrard feels”. You couldn’t make it up, could you?

I was quaffing a pint of Farquaharsons Old & Filthy Best Bitter in my local pub, The Pit Bull & Stanley Knife, when I noticed a woman sitting at the bar having a drinking champagne. I walked over and sat down next to her. I sez, "You have that 'lost' look in your eyes." She looked at me with much disdain and replied, "You're close. It's a 'get lost' look." Aaargh! Hat and coat time already!

I was most confused when I heard the word 'service' used with the following agencies:
Inland (HMRC) Revenue 'Service'
The Post Office Postal 'Service'
British Telecom 'Service'
Cable TV 'Service'
Civil 'Service'
Local, City and County Council Public 'Service'
Moreover, any other customer 'Service' that you can think of.
This is not what I thought 'service' meant. However, yesterday, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to 'service' a few cows.
Eureka! It all came into focus. Now I understand what all those agencies are doing to us.
Now you are as enlightened as I am?


Things that are difficult to say when you're drunk ...

a) Innovative.
b) Preliminary.
c) Proliferation.


Things that are VERY difficult to say when you're drunk . .

a) Specificity.
b) British Constitution.
c) Passive-aggressive disorder.
d) Transubstantiate.

Things that are Totally IMPOSSIBLE to say when you're drunk ...

1) May I sincerely thank you for the offer, but I don't want to come back to your place.
2) Sorry, no more beer for me, I've had enough.
3) I’d love to, but you're not really my type.
4) No kebab for me, thank you.
5) Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?5) I'm not interested in arguing with you.
6) Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing.
7) I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no co-ordination.
8) Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street.
9) I must be going home now as I have to go to work in the morning.
10) I must get to my bed as I could never really sleep in that hedge / shop doorway / skip.

Thought for Thursday: Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end you'll wish you had a club and a spade.

Visit my website: www.Comedian.ws or email me: comedianuk@sky.com
Now, get back to work!

Editorial for 28th October 2010

The missus (I call her Viking, because she has a face like a Norse) was quite annoyed yesterday and I could tell that she was in the mood for an argument. I asked her what the problem was and she advised me that she is concerned that I have an infantile personality, coupled with a childlike nature and reckons that I’m VERY immature. She has come to the conclusion that we must set aside some time and discuss this problem fully. As if that’s gonna happen in the middle of the conker season!

At breakfast, yesterday, I eagerly waited for my 13 year old daughter Susannah to comment on my first attempt at my new recipe cheese omelette. After several minutes with no reaction, I asked, "If I manufactured these commercially, how much do you think I would get for one of them?" Without looking up from her iPod she replied, "About five years."

18 Very Good Reasons for being over 50.

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

3. No one expects you to run--anywhere.

4. People call at 9 pm and ask,"did I wake you up?"

5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

7. Things you buy now won't wear out.

8. You can eat supper at 4 pm.

9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.

10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

13. You sing along with elevator music.
14. Your eyes won't get much worse.

15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
16. Your joints are more accurate Fred The Weatherman on Granada Reports.

17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

On a beautiful autumn day, two English tourists were driving through Wales.
At the town of, Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogoch
they stopped for lunch, and one of the tourists asked the very blonde waitress,
“Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument for us ......
Can you pronounce where we are, very, very, very slowly?”
The girl leaned over and said, “Burrr.... Gurrr.... King.”

I purchased a packet of those Cadburys Chocolate Animals yesterday. It clearly stated on the pack 'Do not consume if seal is broken.' What’s all that about then?

Thought for Thursday: Never attribute to malice what can be adequately explained by stupidity.

Aristotle always maintained that it was the mark of an instructed mind to rest satisfied with the degree of precision which the nature of the subject admits and not to seek exactness when only an approximation of the truth is possible. I wholeheartedly agree. So visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com then assume a comical position and strike the pose!

Ten Questions...

Our local paper runs a popular column called "10 Questions" that spotlights
people who live in our community.

In addition to the usual inquiries about occupation and age, people are
asked the questions that give a snapshot look of their personalities.

Recently one woman was asked, "What's the 'strangest' thing you ever
bought?"

She answered, "Dog toothpaste."

Next question, "What is the 'most common' thing people say to you?"

Her answer: "Where did you get such white teeth?"

Man of the house...

The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled,
You Can Be THE Man Of Your House."




He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced,

"From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my
word is Law.




You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished
eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert.




After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will
have the kinds of sex that I want.




Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax.
You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe.
Then, you will massage my feet and hands.




Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

The wife replied,



"The f**kin' funeral director would be my first guess."

The wife...

INNIT AWFUL GERRIN AULD...


**********************************************************************************

The missus reckons that I'm VERY immature and sez we should set some time aside to discuss the matter. As if that's gonna happen in the middle of the conker season!

Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogoch

On a beautiful summer's day, two English tourists were driving through Wales.

At the town of, Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogoch
they stopped for lunch, and one of the tourists asked the very blonde waitress,
“Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument for us ......
Can you pronounce where we are, very, very, very slowly?”

The girl leaned over and said, “Burrr.... Gurrr.... King.”

Voted BEST Irish Joke 2010!!!

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said,
"Here's to spending the rest of me life,
between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!


He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the

Best toast of the night" She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life,
sitting in church beside me wife."




"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.


The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize
the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."



She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself.

You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years.

Once he fell asleep, and the other time

I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

Never Lose Your Grandson!

My small grandson got lost at the shopping centre,

he approached a uniformed security guard and said,

"I've lost my granddad!"

"The guard asked, "What's he like?"

The little tyke hesitated for a moment and then replied,

"Gin and tonic and women with big tits."

www.Comedian.ws

The Divorced Barbie Doll

The Divorced Barbie Doll


One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, 'How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?' The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir? We have: Work Out Barbie for £19.95, Shopping Barbie for £19.95, Beach Barbie for £19.95, Disco Barbie for £19.95, Ballerina Barbie for £19.95, Astronaut Barbie for £19.95, Skater Barbie for £19.95, and Divorced Barbie for £265.95'.

The amazed father asks: 'It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie £265.95 and the others only £19.95?'

The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: 'Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key fob made with Ken's balls.

The sharing of marriage...

The sharing of marriage...


The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.

He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.

He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them . As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.

Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything

People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'

Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'

She answered --

(Continue below)





'THE TEETH.'

My Ex-Wife...

My ex-wife started taking flying lessons about the time our divorce started and she got her license shortly before our divorce was final, later that same year.

Yesterday afternoon I got a phone call, that she narrowly escaped injury in the aircraft she was piloting. Seems she was forced to make an emergency landing because of bad weather.
Thank God the kids weren't with her.

The CAA issued a preliminary report, citing pilot error: She was flying a single engine aircraft in IFR (instrument flight rating) conditions while only having obtained a VFR (visual flight rating).

The absence of a post-crash fire was likely due to insufficient fuel on board. No one on the ground was injured.

The photograph below was taken at the scene to show the extent of damage to her aircraft.

She was really lucky.

Lesson for today....

Sometimes, we try too hard to get to the greener grass.

In the process, we end up in trouble.

And when you find yourself in trouble...
and you're stuck in a situation that you can't get out of..

there is one thing you should always remember...


Not everyone who shows up


Is there to help you.

B & Q Joke...

I was installing a new door and found that one of the hinges was missing, so I asked the missus (I call her Magnolia - coz it'd go with anything!) if she would go to B&Q and pick up the aforementioned hinge.


While she was waiting for the geezer in an orange apron to finish serving a customer, her eye caught a beautiful bathroom tap. When he was finished, the missus asked him, "How much is that tap?"

He replied, "That's a gold plated tap and the price is £1500.00.


The wife breathlessly exclaimed, "Jesus, that is a very expensive tap. It's certainly out of my price bracket."


She then proceeded to describe the hinge that I had sent her to buy.


The B & Q geezer sez that he had them in stock and went into the storeroom to get one.


From the storeroom the he yells. "Madam, do you wanna screw for the hinge?"


Magnolia paused for a moment and then shouted back, "No, but I will for the tap."


This is why you can't send a woman to B&Q!!!

Tommy Cooper Joke (Not) ....

“ I was in bed with my new girlfriend last night, and she said

I had the biggest tallywacker she'd ever laid her hands on"

I said “You’re pulling my leg”

Willie Nelsons 75th Birthday...

Whether or not you are a country music fan, these are truly the words of a deep thinker, and a highly intelligent person. So simple, yet so profound!

Read the words of wisdom from that famous philosopher Willie Nelson, iconic country and western singer, on his 75th birthday below his esteemed portrait.

Only a man with such wisdom and maturity could be so concise and succinct in phrasing his feelings at this turning point in his life.






"I have outlived my pecker."

Achieve Inner Peace & Tranquility...

Some doctor on television this morning said that the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started.

So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished and I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, a pockage of Prunglies, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valum scriptins, the res of the Chesescke an a box a choclets.

Yu haf no idr how bludy guod I feel rite now!

Euro-Engrish...

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl

Customer Service...

I was confused when I heard the word 'service' used with
these agencies..

Inland (HMRC) Revenue 'Service'
The Post Office Postal 'Service'
British Telecom 'Service'
Cable TV 'Service'
Civil 'Service'
Local, City, County & Public 'Service'
Customer 'Service'

This is not what I thought 'service' meant.

But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one
of them said he had hired a bull to 'service' a few cows.

BAM!!! It all came into focus.

Now I understand what all those agencies
are doing to us.

Now you are as enlightened as I am?