It's What He Would Have Wanted....

                                  

At my advanced age, I tend to go to copious amounts of funerals. In my honest opinion, funerals are better than weddings, because there’s still a buffet, but you don’t have to take a present. I don’t like dancing, so I dislike attending weddings. Moreover, at a funeral, doing the Conga from the church to the graveside tends to be frowned upon for some reason. Always read the instructions on funeral invitations carefully, and avoid the terrible mistake I made. The words ‘sombre’ and ‘sombrero’ look very similar. Apologies once again.

If you feel unwell, don't Google the symptoms. I’ve gone from having mild dehydration and a headache to being clinically dead two days ago - in just three clicks. It turns out that I have early onset rigor mortis.

Barmy Albert and Non-Stick Nora went to the Scropton Street car boot sale yesterday, and Albert discovered a really old dusty Elvis record that he'd never come across before. The label said, 'Wooden Leg'. Nora asked the stall holder: "That's strange, I thought he sang ' Wooden Heart'? The lady running the stall replied," Yes, he did, but this is the Pirate version!"

“Oh my god” is my favourite expression primarily because if you remove any of the three words, it has the same exact meaning, just in a very different tone. Who’d a thowt it!

A student from Manchester Metropolitan University questioned a deeply troubled hospital patient, who had suffered an acute emotional trauma: "How did you end up here? What was the nature of your circumstances?" He got this reply: "Well, it all started when I got married, and I reckon I should never have done it. I got hitched to a widow with a grown daughter who then became my stepdaughter. My dad came to visit us, fell in love with my lovely stepdaughter, and then married her. And so, my stepdaughter was now my stepmother. Soon, my wife had a son who was, of course, my father's brother-in-law since he is the half-brother of my stepdaughter, who is now, of course, my dad's wife. So, as I told you, when my stepdaughter married my dad, she was at once my stepmother! Now, since my new son is brother to my stepmother, he also became my uncle. As you know, my wife is my step-grandmother since she is my stepmother's mother. Don't forget that my stepmother is my stepdaughter. Remember, too, that I am my wife's grandson. But hold on just a few minutes more. You see, since I'm married to my step-grandmother, I am not only the wife's grandson and her hubby, but I am also my own grandfather. Now, can you understand why I’m having counselling in this place?"

                         

                                 

How to pretend you’re in a daytime television advert about your own funeral:

1. Look about 55 and appear to be fit, fine, wonderful and well.

2. Be absolutely delighted about pre-planning your funeral.

3. Laugh like a drain with your wife and kids, who also seem to be revelling in the prospect of your eventual demise.

4. Dance around and crack open a magnum of Dom Perignon vintage champagne.

5. Give yourself a Parker pen and a carriage clock so that you can partake in the countdown to doomsday.



Remember the things that your mother used to say to you when you were a kid? I fondly recollect such gems as: “Shut your mouth and eat your dinner.” Another classic was: “If you go missing again, I’ll take you home!” However, the all-time winner must have been: “Have you seen the insides of your ears?” Halycon days indeed!

Some things are better left unsaid...

                                              

The missus phoned me and sez, "I'm just in Tesco getting some milk, do you need anything fetching?" "It depends," I replied, "Did you drive or walk?" She said, ”I walked here." "Right, I'll have six bags of potatoes and four watermelons, please."

Today, I'm wearing pink to raise awareness for folks like me who forget to separate red laundry from white laundry.

Young Willy Eckerslyke goes to a lap-dancing club, and when his mother finds out, she is incandescent with rage. She asked him: “Now, tell me the truth, did you see anything there that you weren’t supposed to see?” With all the dignity that he could muster, he replied: “Yes, I saw Dad!”

Fascinating Fact: Studies at Manchester Metropolitan University show that people with high IQs tend to be lazy, or something like that. I must confess that I didn't read the whole article.

Further Fascinating Facts: Coldplay have not had any singles out in ages, then suddenly they produce two in one night!

Dastardly Denis, the Landlord of my local pub, The Pitt Bull and Stanleyknife, told me that he remembers going to bed late one night and he was just nodding off, when the phone rang. He answered it, and it was some drunk ringing from a payphone. He slurred: "Is that the Pitt Bull pub, up Scropton Street?, What time do you open tomorrow?" "Denis shouted: "We open at 12 noon, if you ring me up again at this unearthly hour, then you won't get in!" The drunk replied: "I don't wanna get in. I wanna get out!"

I must say that my hallucinations aren’t getting any better; in fact, I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I reckon that I've taken a tern for the wurst.

                                     

  

Barmy Albert gazed at Non-Stick Nora and declared to her: “I want you to have this bracelet. It’s very sentimental to me, it belonged to my grandmother. It was with her until the very end. She last wore it on her deathbed in the hospital. It was all so sad.” Nora asked him, “What does it say on the inscription?” Albert replied: “Do Not Resuscitate.”

I was in Aldi yesterday and I bought one of those George Formby grills. Not only does it cook hamburgers, but you can also use it to clean the windows.

Quiz of the week:

 Q) How would you say, Robert's terrier has run away, without using the letter ‘R’? 

A) Bob’s dogs bogged off!

I was walking the woofers around Tintwistle reservoirs last weekend, and a woman asked me about my dog. Alfie was running haphazardly in different directions. She politely enquired: “Is your dog indecisive?” I replied: “Well, yes and no!” Alfie disappeared off into a wooded area, upon following him, I discovered a fox with four cubs in a suitcase. I phoned the RSPCA and reported my find. The lady at the other end of the phone asked me if they were moving. I replied: “I’m not sure. But that would certainly explain the suitcase.” Dog Walkers eh! The worst crisps that I ever tasted! I threw a ball for my dog. Extravagant, I know, but it was his 21st birthday!

Thought for Thursday: One machine can be programmed to do the work of one hundred ordinary people. No machine in existence can do the work of one extraordinary person.
                                                

Some things are better left unsaid. Unfortunately, I don’t realise this until after I’ve actually said them. I’ve always appreciated the offbeat characters, the lollygaggers, the odd-balls, the skewiff entities, the wallflower folk, the bizarre rejects, the middle-of-centre activists, the crestfallen, the ne’er-do-wells, the knaves and rapscallions. The snowflake tribes are the bane of society and will be responsible for our eventual undoing. If you concur, then visit my website: http://www.ComedianUK.com and you can also email me: comedianuk@sky.com. Now, get back to work!

Happy 100th Birthday to the Legendary Dick Van Dyke !

                                           

 Happy 100th Birthday to the Legendary Dick Van Dyke — And Guess Who Just Showed Up With a Guitar?

Dick Van Dyke is more than a star — he’s a century-long symbol of joy, laughter, music, and timeless magic.
From The Dick Van Dyke Show to Mary Poppins, Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, and Diagnosis: Murder, his iconic smile and dazzling energy have brought light into millions of homes for generations.
But just when the world thought the celebration couldn’t get any better — in walked Robert Plant, rock legend of Led Zeppelin, with a tear in his eye and a tribute in his heart.
With one unexpected song, he brought the room to tears and reminded everyone: when legends meet, history sings.
This birthday didn’t just honor a man — it united two worlds of music in one unforgettable moment.

www.ComedianUK.com

That was the week that was!

                           

                                 

Caroline Aherne

Caroline Aherne was a rare talent — beautiful, sharp-witted, and endlessly creative.

With an IQ reportedly measured at 176, she was in the highest bracket of intelligence in the country. But it was her ability to connect with everyday life and people that made her truly special. Her characters were real, funny, and full of heart — and they struck a chord with audiences up and down the nation.

She first got noticed performing stand-up as Sister Mary Immaculate, a cheeky, cigarette-smoking nun. It was bold, clever and brilliantly satirical — and helped her gain attention on the Manchester comedy circuit. She also created other memorable characters like Mitzi Goldberg during this early period.
Caroline made a big impression on The Fast Show, playing a string of characters including the unforgettable weather presenter Poula Fisch, with her catchphrase “Scorchio!” Her comic timing and versatility made her a standout in a cast packed with talent.
But it was The Mrs Merton Show that turned her into a household name. As the sweet but cutting pensioner, she delivered some of British TV’s most iconic lines — including the legendary question to Debbie McGee: “So, what first attracted you to the millionaire Paul Daniels?” It was sharp, unexpected, and had the nation in stitches.
Her most enduring legacy, though, is The Royle Family. Co-written with Craig Cash, and starring as Denise Royle, Caroline helped redefine the sitcom format. The show was beautifully observed, funny and moving in equal measure — and remains one of the most beloved comedies in British TV history.
Caroline’s work continues to inspire writers and comedians today. Her name lives on through the BBC’s Caroline Aherne Bursary, which supports emerging comedy talent — a fitting tribute to someone who gave so much to the industry.
Colleagues and friends often described her as “sharp as a tack but daft as a brush” — a true original who brought warmth, truth, and real humanity to everything she did.
Though she passed away in 2016, her humour and legacy are still felt to this day. A one-off. A genius. And deeply missed.

A preposterous posting!

                                   

The missus phoned me to tell me she saw a fox on the way to work. I asked her: "How did you know it was on its way to work?" That was two days ago and she's not talking to me!

Fascinating Fact: Pre- means before, and post means after. Using both at the same time would be preposterous.

A Polish man goes to the optometrist for an eye test. The optician shows him a test card that says: CZWJXNYSACZ and asks: “Can you read that?” He replies: “Read it? He's my uncle!”

After 35 years of marriage, Non-Stick Nora and Barmy Albert went to consult a marriage guidance counsellor. When asked what the problem was, Nora launched into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in all the years they had been married. On and on and on she ranted: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured. Finally, after allowing this to continue for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk, and, after asking Nora to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately, with Albert watching - and raising an eyebrow. Nora then shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to Albert and sez: "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?" Albert thought for a minute and replied: "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf."


There are only two workers in the afternoon at Scropton Street Abattoir and they’re both chatting. Elsie Grabknuckle announces: “I bet you any money I can make the boss send me home and give me the day off.” Her work colleague, Willy Eckerslyke starts chortling and sez: “Never - you know he’s a frosty-faced old toad! How on earth would you do that?” Elsie grins, “Watch this.” Then she hangs upside down from the ceiling. The boss walks in and asks: “What on earth are you doing?” Elsie replies, “I’m a light bulb.” The boss sez: , “You’ve been working too hard, you’ve gone doo-lally. Go home, get some rest, and take the day off.” Willy Eckerslyke grabs his coat to follow her and the boss shouts: “Where do you think you’re going?” Willy replies, “I’m going home too. You can’t expect me to work in the dark!”

                         

I was watching an Australian Master Chef episode, and the audience cheered when the chef made meringue. I was surprised - Australians normally boo meringue. Of course, in Scotland, you could go into a cakeshop and ask: “That cake in the window, is it an éclair or a meringue?” and the shop assistant would answer: “No. Your right. It’s an eclair.” I couldn’t drive to the cakeshop because the sign outside said: ‘No Parkin’. This bloke complained. He sez: “Why is that cake 50p, whereas the one next to it costs £1?” The assistant informed him: “Because that’s Madeira cake.”

I regret to have to inform both of my readers that my dear friend Tommy Figgis, who found fame as the ‘Human Cannonball’ at Blackpool Circus, has sadly passed away. They don’t make men of that calibre anymore. His wife asked me if I could say a quick word. I stood at the front, cleared my throat, choked back the tears, and sez: “Plethora.” His wife told me, “Thank you. That means a lot.” Then, the renowned budgerigar impersonator, Hugh Zapritti-Boyden, got up and uttered the word ‘Waterhole’. Tommy’s missus replied: “I know Hugh meant well.”

There was a spotty, precocious youth sitting on the back pew in the church at the funeral. He was talking loudly into his iPhone, bemoaning the fact that “funerals were boring” and “there's no flamin’ WiFi in this church.” When the priest approached him and proclaimed, "You are an ignorant imbecile, show some respect!" The scrote gazed at the priest and asked: "Is that all lower case, mate?"



If you ever need me, I’m always just five missed calls and six unanswered text messages away. Or you can visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com or email me: comedianuk@sky.com Now, get back to work!

                                 

 

It's all about perspective....

                                      

I told my 28-year-old daughter Suzie that when I was her age, I used to get ten CDs in the mail for a penny. Unfortunately, she didn’t know what a CD was, what a penny was, what the mail was, or all of the above! We live in strange times. Kids run wild and dogs go to obedience school…



If I ever win the EuroMillions lottery, I pledge that nobody around me will be struggling financially, and I mean that sincerely. This is because I will move to a wealthy neighbourhood.



54-year-old Chester Draws was set up on a blind date. His mate Dave sez: "She's a lovely lass, but there's something you should know. She's expecting a baby." Chester felt a total idiot walking into the pub wearing a just a nappy....

                                                                 

Question of the week: Of all the utensils invented to eat rice, how did two sticks win?



Ladies. Listen Up! Do you hate doing all the ironing? Here’s a top tip. If you write every letter of the alphabet around the edge of your ironing board, you will encourage ghosts to do all your ironing for you, while you’re out at bingo!



Barmy Albert took Non-Stick Nora to a packed restaurant - no seats were available, and to make matters worse, there was an hour waiting time. Quick as a flash, Nora pulled out her phone, held it to her ear, and shouted loudly: “Hey, get over here rapid! She’s here with someone else!” Six couples got up and left!
                                                

I'm so sick and tired of my friends who can't handle their alcohol. Last night, they dropped me twice while carrying me to the taxi.

I’ve visited many places in my life and time, but I’ve never been to Cahoots. You cannot go there alone, you have to be in Cahoots with someone else. Moreover, I’ve never been in Cognito either. I’ve been reliably informed that nobody recognises you in Cognito. I have, however, been in Sane. There is no airport and you must be driven there. I have made many trips….



Octogenarian Elsie Grabknuckle and her husband Tommy return to the Mercedes dealership and discover that the same salesman had just sold the car that they were interested in to a young, voluptuous and leggy blonde woman. Tommy opined to the salesman that he was under the impression that he would hold the vehicle until they sorted out the £35k asking price, “Yet I just heard that you closed the deal for £30k to that lovely young lady over there, even though you insisted that there could be no discount whatsoever on this model.” Slightly embarrassed, the salesman told Tommy: “I’m very sorry, but the lady had the ready cash, and just look at her. How could I resist?” Just then, the gorgeous blonde approached the old folks and handed them the keys. She then sez: “There you go. I told you that I could get this Bozo to drop the price. See you later, Grandpa!” The moral of this story? Never mess with the elderly. They’re constantly ahead of the game!



I didn’t think I was chubby until the woman at McDonald's sez to me: “I’m sorry about your weight.”

                                         

The difference between men and women: When Non-Stick Nora stays out all night, she tells Barmy Albert that she slept over at her girlfriends house. Albert phones Nora’s five best pals, and none of them know anything about it. However, when Albert doesn’t come home one night, Nora phones Albert’s ten best mates and eight of them confirm that he has slept over, and two claim that he’s still there!



The next time you perpetuate a profound dislike for your present circumstances, remember that it’s all about perspective. I have a mate who reads about two or three books every day, has no financial worries whatsoever, he works out twice every day, and has folk around him who have a strong desire to jump into bed with him all the time. All this, and he constantly complains about how much he hates prison. Don’t be incarcerated within four walls. Visit my website www.ComedianUK.com and alleviate the monotony by having a chortle. You can email me: comedianuk@sky.com. Now, get back to work!