The Chav Nativity....

                                         

Santa is chatting to ten-year-old Jason and asks him what he would like for Christmas. Jason tells him that he wants a Mercedes-Maybach EQS 680 First Class SUV or a track-focused BMW iX M Model, the ultimate performance machine. Santa chortles and replies: “Now ask for something a little more realistic." Jason told him: “Well, my dad would really like Keir Starmer to grow a backbone, stop kissing the lily-livered liberal lefties' backsides, stop the boats, repair the potholes, bring down energy prices and the cost of living, shut down all asylum seekers' hotels and admit he is the worst Labour Prime Minister in the history of mankind." With all the dignity that Santa could muster, he sez: "And what colour did you say you want this Mercedes to be again?"



I asked the missus what she would like for Christmas, and she sez: “Chanel No 5.” So, I’ve re-tuned the Freeview Box. She also told me that I could get her anything from The Body Shop. So, I’ve got her a front near-side wing for a Ford Focus.

My next-door neighbour Barmy Albert is a creature of strange habits. He retired from work last year and now refuses to look out of his front window in the morning, primarily because; he’ll have nowt to do in the afternoon! He was leaning over the back fence droning on in a nasal whine about his granddad being killed whilst bungee jumping. Apparently, his granddad didn’t think to tell ’em about his artificial leg.

                                                   

 

I have discovered why men die many years before women do. It’s because they want to! The wife (I call her ’Babe’ – you’ve seen the film) isn’t speaking to me right now, and all because I put a cat flap in the budgie's cage. I was sitting in the living room last night and I said to the missus, “I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.” She got up, unplugged the telly and emptied my glass of malbec down the sink. Some women possess no sense of humour whatsoever.



When I bought the Christmas tree from the local garden centre, the salesman sez, “Are you putting it up yourself?” I replied, “No. It’s for the living room…”

                             

THE CHAV NATIVITY:

There’s this bird called Mary, yeah? She’s a virgin (wossat then?) She’s not married or nuffink, but she’s got this boyfriend, Joey, innit? He does joinery an’ that. Mary lives with him in a crib darn Nazaref. One day, Mary meets this dude Gabriel. She’s like “Oi Oo ya lookin’ at?” Gabriel just goes “You got one in da club, sista” Mary’s totally gobsmacked. She gives it to him, Large “Stop dissin’ me yeah? I ain’t no Kappa-slapper. I ain't never bin wiv no one! Yeah, but no, but yeah!” What in the universal credit, fridge in the front garden, Peppa Pig plate used as an ashtray, payday loan, this town is fuller snakes, Strongbow Dark Fruits, Tesco value ham, front garden trampoline, lip filler paid with child benefit, just me and me kids now on, 35p energy drink, shouting in Aldi in your PJ’s , I swear down on me mam’s life, here’s me hand, here’s me heart, sixes and sevens? silver crushed velvet living room wallpaper, only one pouch of baccy til Boxing Day, mattress in the back ginnel is going on here?

The only surviving brain transplant donor....

                            

When I was a kid, we were quite poor. My mam used to sit up all Christmas Eve, stitching a turkey's head on a kipper. On Christmas morning, I opened my present, and it was two AA batteries and a note which said: “Toys Not Included.”

WARNING! If you receive an email with a link titled: “Ronan Keating sings Christmas Carols.” DON’T open it! It’s a link to Ronan Keating singing Christmas Carols!

I went to a Christmas fancy dress party last night dressed as a screwdriver. I must admit, I turned a few heads. Especially Phillips.

                                       

 

They interviewed me on Tameside Radio last week. The presenter asked me: “Do you have a celebrity crush?” “Yes.” I replied,” Piers Morgan in an earthquake.”




On Christmas Eve, a police officer came upon a terrible road traffic accident, where the driver and passengers had been injured and taken away in an ambulance. As he looked upon the wreckage, a little monkey appeared out of the hedgerow and ambled around the battered vehicle. The officer looked down at the monkey and sez: "I wish you could talk." The monkey gazed up at the efficient policeman and shook his head up and down. "You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer. Again, the monkey shook his head up and down. "Well, did you see this?" "Yes," motioned the monkey. "What happened?" The monkey pretended to have a beer can in his hand and turned it up to his mouth. "They were drinking?" asked the officer. "Yes!” "What else?" The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth. "They were smoking marijuana?" "Yes." "Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking and smoking marijuana before they crashed?" "Yes." "What were you doing during all this?" The monkey motioned: "Driving!"Fascinating Fact: Mentally, I'm still 29, humour-wise I'm 12, but physically I'm pretty sure I fought in the First World War...

                                   

  


Many moons ago, when Barmy Albert and Non-Stick Nora tied the knot, the new husband and wife spent the quiet intimacy of their wedding night. With a playful, triumphant glint in his eye, Albert slipped out of his tailored trousers and held them out to Nora. "Here, my love," he said, his voice dripping with sarcasm. "A gift for you. Put these on." Nora took the heavy wool pants, holding them up against her waist. The legs pooled comically on the floor. She raised an eyebrow. "Albert, these are enormous. I'd be swimming in them." "Exactly," he declared, puffing out his chest with a smug grin. "And that's how you know I'm the one who wears the pants in this relationship." Nora didn't flinch. A slow, knowing smile spread across her lips. She gracefully bent down, opened her own suitcase, and retrieved a delicate pair of lace underwear. "Wonderful," she cooed, handing them over. "Now it's your turn. Put these on." Barmy Albert stared at the flimsy silk in his large hands. He tried to stretch them, his face a mask of confusion and futility. "Don't be absurd! I could never get into these!" In one smooth motion, she plucked them from his grasp, folded them with deliberate care, and returned them to the suitcase. "And you never will," she said, her voice soft but firm as steel, "if you keep that attitude."

55 years ago this week, a 52-year-old bachelor, a popular local man, was killed in Middlesex in a street fight over a woman. The victim, who was a milk deliveryman, died in the gutter from his injuries without medical attention or intervention, witnessed by his then-girlfriend, and in full view of the public. The assailant, a local baker, was never charged with any offence, despite the conflict happening in broad daylight.

                                                                      

The Countdown is on!

                                       

The countdown is on! I’ll give you a Christmas tip. Gift wrap empty boxes and put them under the tree. Every time your kid misbehaves, chuck one on the fire. Do this until you run out of kids.

The wife waited patiently until the dog left the room before she told me what she’d got it for Christmas!

Last Christmas, I bought my daughter Suzie an elephant for her room. She thanked me profusely, but I just said: “Don’t mention it”.

Fascinating Fact: There are 13 minerals essential to human life, and all of them can be found in beer. Coincidence? I think not! Beer. Resistance is futile!

Although they weren’t looking for sympathy. Barmy Albert and Non-Stick Nora found that November was the hardest month they’d ever had. Albert and Nora have endured one of the most difficult times of their entire relationship. Some days were harder than others, and many tears flowed. Now that they had entered the month of December, some hard decisions had to be made. Something had to change radically. So, it’s with great sadness that Albert announced that, after so many months of struggling and fighting the inevitable, Nora has decided to put the central heating on.

I visited the Gorton Monastery, and as I walked past the cafeteria, I saw a geezer frying chips. I asked him: "Are you the fryer?" He replied: "No. I'm the chipmonk."


                                   

The only cow in Bally Button (A naval base in Northern Ireland) stopped giving milk. Then the townsfolk discovered they could buy a cow in Scotland quite reasonably. So, they brought the cow over from Scotland. It was absolutely wonderful. It produced lots of milk every day, and everyone was well chuffed. They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, So they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again. They put the bull in the pasture with the cow, but whenever the bull tried to approach the cow, the cow would move away. No matter which way the bull turned, the cow would move away from him, and he was never able to perform the dastardly deed. The people were agitated and decided to go to the very wise Vet, tell him what was happening and ask his advice. "Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. If he attempts it from one side, she walks away to the other side." The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking, "Did you by any chance purchase this cow in Scotland?" The townsfolk were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Scotland "You are truly a knowledgeable Vet," they said. "But how did you know we got the cow from Scotland?” With all the dignity he could muster, the Vet replied: "My wife is from Scotland."



When I was a kid, my parents would always exclaim: “Excuse my French.” After uttering a swear word, I’ll never forget my first day at school, when the teacher asked me if I knew any French!



Young Woody Eckerslyke is torn between two girlfriends. One makes magnificent pancakes, whereas the other writes beautiful poetry. He’s not sure if he should marry for batter or verse.



I'm a huge fan of the "Sat-Nav Theory" when you miss a turn, your GPS doesn't judge, it just recalculates. No matter how many detours, it finds a way forward. Life is the same. Mistakes don't erase your destination; the route merely changes. So now, I’m lost!

                                

The new Andrew Mountbatten Windsor publication...

                                                   

BREAKING NEWS: There’s a new Andrew Mountbatten Windsor biography being released next week! Fortunately, this one doesn’t have a title.

I’m absolutely gutted! Would you believe that Kajagoogoo tickets have just gone on sale for £60, but I’ve only got £58.

Barmy Albert got home from work early, only to discover his best mate Willy Eckerslyke in bed with Non-Stick Nora. “Now hang on a minute, don’t go bananas. Let’s settle this in a civilised manner. We obviously both want the same woman, right? Here’s a deck of cards. Let’s cut them to see who gets her!” Albert agreed. “You’re on! But, let's have a hundred quid side bet to make it more exciting!”

When I was a kid and bedtime was at 9 pm, I couldn’t wait to be a grown-up so that I could go to bed whenever I wanted to. It turns out that it’s 9 pm.

The wife and I have been married for 20 years, and folks often ask me: “What’s your secret?” I reply, “It’s straightforward. We have a ritual. We strictly adhere to it. Every week, we go out for a romantic candlelit dinner, drink fine wines and indulge in haute cuisine. She goes on Tuesday and I go on Thursday.

As the ship started sinking, the captain announced to his crew and passengers: “Is anyone here who is religious?” I put my hand up and informed him that I was, and that I pray very often. The captain sez: “That’s good. You can pray while the rest of us put on our life jackets, because we’re one short!”

Young Eric was misbehaving in class yet again and the teacher sent him to the headmaster's office. The headmaster informed Eric that this was the fifth time and that he had been a disruption in class this week, so I’m going to have to contact your father to discuss exactly what punishment you will receive. Young Eric replied: “Thank you. That will be awesome. I can’t wait to meet him!”

                                     

  

Non-stick Nora returned a wine box to Tesco, complaining that it clearly stated on the box that once opened, it would last six weeks. However, it was all gone in one night!

Tommy Grabknuckle wandered into his local pub, The Pitt Bull and Stanleyknife, not realising that it was fancy dress night. He suddenly encountered a pirate drinking at the bar. Tommy noticed his eye patch and his hook hand and asked him: “If I buy you a beer, will you tell me how you lost your right hand?” The pirate replied: “Sure! One night, we sailed into a storm, and I inadvertently fell overboard, and my right hand became caught in a giant clam. A shark came along and bit off my hand. Otherwise, I would have drowned!” Tommy was overawed with this incredible story, so he bought the pirate another beer and asked him: “How did you lose your left eye?” The pirate sez: “Well, one day I was gazing up into the clouds, when a seagull flew across and pooped in my eye.” Tommy couldn’t fathom this out. He asked the pirate: “Your left eye went blind because of bird poop?” The pirate shook his head and replied: “Nah! That was the first day I got this hook!”



Recommended Reading: I’ve just finished reading an excellent book called "Fights on a Narrowboat" by R.G. Bargee

I kid you not. This is true. I was sauntering up Scropton Street and passed the pet shop, and there was a cat in the window that they maintained was from Amsterdam, so I went inside and asked: “How Dutch is that moggy in the window?”

                                                 

  

The spotty, precocious yoof!

                    

Have you noticed that all the leaves are falling from the trees? What is going on? Could it be that Putin is up to summat? Perchance, it might be linked to nuclear waste being accumulated in Korea, or those awful oil fires in Iraq? Either way, Starmer should grasp the nettle and act quickly to resolve this unfortunate farrago. Come on Prime Minister, send David Lammy round with a rake!

Parliament is where an inveterate liar gets up to speak, says nowt, nobody listens and then everybody disagrees. That’s the measure of politicians. It reminds me of the priest who was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 35 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was selected to deliver the presentation and give a brief speech at the dinner. He was delayed, so the priest decided to share a few words while they waited. "I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person that entered my confessional told me he had stolen a car, had thieved money from his parents, embezzled from his place of work, had an affair with his boss’s wife, and taken illegal class A drugs. I was utterly appalled. But as time elapsed, I knew that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a community full of upstanding, fine and caring folk". Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and give his speech. "I’ll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honour of being the first one to go to him in confession."

I've invented a new range of concrete birdseed. It’s impeccable. I also invented an acid that would burn through anything, but I can’t find nowt to put it in.

                       

I managed to get on Dragon's Den with some of my other brainwaves. Of course, necessity is the mother of invention. When you’re caravanning or camping, then space is at an absolute premium, so I created a folding bottle that I called a ‘Fottle’ and Duncan Bannatyne said it was a rubbish concept. Unfazed, I pressed on, informing him, "Well, I've invented a folding kettle, I call it a ‘Fettle’ is that any good?" "Nope! It's been done already, pal." He curtly informed me. Feeling thoroughly dejected, I left the Dragons' Den and I didn't even bother to tell him about my folding bucket...

                                                   

Non-Stick Nora phoned BT Directory Enquiries. She sez: “I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Stalybridge, please.” Operator: “'I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?” Nora replied: “Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar, but the 'B' fell off.”

I had a bad day on Facebook yesterday. I’m still unsure exactly what to comment on a photo of a new baby, but I now know that it isn’t “Yikes!”

Fascinating Fact: A group of wolves is called a "pack". A group of teenagers is called a "whatever."

If, like me, you’ve ever been accused of being raised in a barn and want to talk about it, then remember my door is always open…

There was a spotty precocious youth sprawled on the back pew in the church at a funeral. He was talking into his iPhone, bemoaning the fact that 'funerals were boring' and 'there's no flamin’ Wi Fi in this church', when the priest approached him and proclaimed:" You are an ignorant imbecile, show some respect!" The scrote gazed at the priest and asked: "Is that all lower case, mate?"

                                

 

The most lost day in life is the day we don't laugh...

                                           

Last weekend, I was in the Tesco car park watching a woman who couldn't remember where she had parked. Every time she held her remote car key in the air, I honked my horn. Later on, I pointed a hairdryer at cars on Scropton Street to see if they slowed down. Isn’t life grand when you’re doo-lally!

My mobile phone accidentally recorded a ten-minute video of my shoes yesterday. There was some pretty good footage.

Ladies. Listen Up: If perchance l invite you out to dinner, don't bring your bag; I will never let you pay. The important thing is that you start running when I run.

Save money on batteries by only putting them into your clock when you wish to know the time.

If your application to join the French Foreign Legion is turned down, simply join the Royal British Legion instead—less danger, jackpot bingo and cheaper beer.

I was in the Pitt Bull and Stanley Knife pub with Barmy Albert , when this gang of Hells Angels Bikers started mouthing off at us! Barmy Albert suggested we should pretend that we're the Police. Not a good idea. We only got halfway through the first verse of Roxanne before they tarred and feathered us!

Fascinating Fact: NASA is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens. They're calling it Apollo G.

I told the missus that our next-door neighbour has sadly passed away. died. She said: "Who? Ray?"
I told her it was far too early to celebrate like that!



Just when I thought that there was no hope left, I remembered the lobsters swimming around in the tank in the restaurant on the Titanic.


                        

Non-Stick Nora was having a problem with her wardrobe door in the main bedroom. It would fall off its hinges whenever the 237 bus went by. She tried to repair it on numerous occasions, but the door would still become unhinged when the bus thundered past. She finally called Chester Draws, the local odd-job man. He turned up the following afternoon and had a shufty at the wardrobe door and could find no problem, then suddenly, the 237 went by and the door mysteriously fell off its hinges. Chester suggested that he step inside the wardrobe and that Nora should shut the door behind him, so that he could ascertain the problem. Meanwhile, Barmy Albert arrived home from work, and as soon as he entered the house, he could hear voices from the bedroom, so he rushed upstairs to investigate. He burst in and demanded to know who Nora was talking to. Before she could explain, he looked in the wardrobe and found Chester inside and asked, “What's he doing in there?” With all the dignity that he could muster, Chester replied: “You’re not going to believe this, but I’m waiting for a bus!”



Top Tip: Keep a forty-year-old refrigerator in the garage so you'll still have one that works when the one you bought this year stops working next year.

                     

                                                      www.UKCabaret.com

Charlie Chaplin lived 88 years. He left us 3 important statements:

(1) Nothing is forever in this world, not even our problems.

(2) I love walking in the rain because no one can see my tears.

(3) The most lost day in life is the day we don't laugh.

Life is just a journey! Therefore, live for today! Tomorrow may not be. Now visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com and click on my Jokey-Bloggington and exercise your guffaw glands!

                   

The Artist Formerly Known as Prince...

                                          

Breaking News: Although Andrew Mountbatten Windsor has relinquished his titles, he’s received two new titles. The first one is that he is to be referred to as: ‘The Artist formerly Known as Prince’, and he’s also the recipient of: ‘The Order of the Boot.’

                                  

Non-Stick Nora inadvertently locked her keys in her Reliant Robin Interceptor at Scropton Street back snicket. She looked around and spotted an old rusty coat hanger on the ground. She picked it up and whispered, “Lord, I have no idea how to use this.” So, she bowed her head and prayed, “Please, God, send someone to help me.” Just seconds later, a beat-up old motorcycle pulled into the back snicket. A bearded ruffian in a biker skull rag got off and asked, “Need some help, ma’am?” She explained, “Barmy Albert is ill. I’ve locked my keys in the car. I need to get home. Can you use this hanger to open it?” The biker smiled and said, “Sure.” In less than a minute, her car was unlocked. Overcome with emotion, she hugged the man and cried, "Thank you, God, for sending me such a kind man!" The biker chuckled and said, "Lady, I’m not a good man. I just got out of prison yesterday… for car theft." Nora hugged him even tighter and sobbed, "Oh, thank you, God… You even sent me a seasoned professional!"

Last week, two monsters attended a Halloween Party, one monster sez to the other: “A lady just rolled her eyes at me. What should I do?” The other monster replied: “Be a gentleman and roll them back!”

The three most difficult things for a man to say:

1) I was wrong.

2) I need help.

3) One smart fellow, he felt smart, two smart fellows, they both felt smart…

                            

I visited North Wales last week and couldn’t figure out if the road signs that advised “20” were actually miles per hour or the number of Labour voters left in Wales. Methinks the latter option would be the answer. My doctor is Welsh and he has prescribed me Prestatins…

Young Willy Eckerslyke sauntered into the local library and asked the librarian: “Do you have any books on Pavlov’s Dog or Schrodinger’s Cat?” The librarian replied: “ It rings a bell, but I’m not sure if it’s here or not.”

The missus phoned me from Aldi and was really annoyed and incandescent with rage about the inept cashier at the checkout. I asked her: “Are you in the self-checkout?” She replied: “Yes, I am. How did you know?”

I’m an international comedian. I’m out of work all over the world. I have a Polish friend who’s a sound technician and a Czech one too Czech one too. You’re Russian to get to the bathroom. You’re European when you’re in the bathroom. You’re Finnish when you leave the bathroom. Isn’t life grand when you’re barmy!

Meanwhile, at the Scropton Street Abattoir, Barmy Albert’s foreman told him: “ This is the fifth consecutive day in a row that you’re late for work. What conclusions do you reckon I make based on that?” Albert thought for a moment and replied: “That today is Friday?”