Last week, The Archbishop
of Canterbury, Justin Welby performed The Lambeth Walk and quite rightfully
resigned from his post, on the very same day as Gary Lineker announced that he
is stepping down from presenting Match of the Day after 25 years. Unfortunately, Kier Starmer let me down for a
treble!
I remember my teacher
saying to me: “You don't really do chronology or geography, do you?” I replied:
“Well, I do. But there's a time and a place for everything.” I got detention for that remark.
A lorry carrying
incontinence pants has shed its load on the M67. Police are warning of severe delays
due to rubber knickers.
Well, I’m flabbergasted!
Apparently, it is rude to ask the parents of a child on a leash, if it was a
rescue! Who’d a thowt it!
Octogenarian Tommy
Grabknuckle was very well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit,
flower in his lapel, smelling slightly of a good after-shave, presenting a well
looked-after image, sauntered into The Pitt Bull and Stanley Knife pub on
singles night. Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady. Tommy walks over, sits alongside her, orders a
drink, takes a sip, turns to her and asks: "So tell me, do I come here
often?"
There was a spotty
precocious youth sat on the back pew in the church at a funeral. He was talking
into his iPhone, bemoaning the fact that “funerals were boring” and “there's no
flamin’ Wi Fi in this church.” when the priest approached him and proclaimed: "You
are an ignorant imbecile, show some respect!" The scrote gazed at the priest and asked:
"Is that all lower case, mate?"
I have downloaded
Fleetwood Mac song onto my SatNav. It keeps saying, "You Can Go Your Own
Way" wherever I am. So, I'm constantly lost!
I’ve decided to take up a
hobby, in order to alleviate the monotony of an otherwise dull day. Barmy
Albert has strongly recommended Archery. I walked up to the desk in the leisure
centre and asked where to go for the 'Archery for Beginners' class. "Just
follow the arrows on the floor." he told me. Isn’t life grand when you’re
barmy!
Next-door neighbour Barmy
Albert has been suffering with the old frozen shoulder and jogger’s epiglottis
syndrome once again. He was told to
report to the local hospital reception and contact Mrs. Hay. Imagine his surprise when he went to the
local hospital and contracted MRSA!
Cockney folk take note!
Regarding ‘Knees Up Mother Brown’. Since time immemorial we northerners have
been alarmed to witness your haranguing of an elderly woman. Not only do you
insist that the hapless matriarch is obliged to position herself beneath fixtures
and fittings, but you also see fit to threaten her with below hip amputation
should she have to stoop to do so. Your unfeasible request is surely nigh on
impossible to be acceded to whilst sustaining rigidity. Failure to address
these shortcomings will result in my obligation to report you to Social
Services for abuse.
In life, there are only
two things to worry about: whether you are in fine fettle or whether you are
poorly sick. If you're fit, fine wonderful & well, then there's nowt whatsoever
to worry about. If your back legs have gone, there are only two things to worry
about: whether you will get betterer or whether you'll turn your toes up. If
you get betterer, there's nowt whatsoever to worry about. If you're going to
snuff it, you have only two things to worry about: whether you go to heaven or
whether you go to hell. If you go to heaven, you have nothing to worry about.
If you arrive in hell, you'll meet so many of your friends there, you'll feel
very much at home, So why worry? Visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com and
strike the pose! Email me: ComedianUK@sky.com