The new Andrew Mountbatten Windsor publication...

                                                   

BREAKING NEWS: There’s a new Andrew Mountbatten Windsor biography being released next week! Fortunately, this one doesn’t have a title.

I’m absolutely gutted! Would you believe that Kajagoogoo tickets have just gone on sale for £60, but I’ve only got £58.

Barmy Albert got home from work early, only to discover his best mate Willy Eckerslyke in bed with Non-Stick Nora. “Now hang on a minute, don’t go bananas. Let’s settle this in a civilised manner. We obviously both want the same woman, right? Here’s a deck of cards. Let’s cut them to see who gets her!” Albert agreed. “You’re on! But, let's have a hundred quid side bet to make it more exciting!”

When I was a kid and bedtime was at 9 pm, I couldn’t wait to be a grown-up so that I could go to bed whenever I wanted to. It turns out that it’s 9 pm.

The wife and I have been married for 20 years, and folks often ask me: “What’s your secret?” I reply, “It’s straightforward. We have a ritual. We strictly adhere to it. Every week, we go out for a romantic candlelit dinner, drink fine wines and indulge in haute cuisine. She goes on Tuesday and I go on Thursday.

As the ship started sinking, the captain announced to his crew and passengers: “Is anyone here who is religious?” I put my hand up and informed him that I was, and that I pray very often. The captain sez: “That’s good. You can pray while the rest of us put on our life jackets, because we’re one short!”

Young Eric was misbehaving in class yet again and the teacher sent him to the headmaster's office. The headmaster informed Eric that this was the fifth time and that he had been a disruption in class this week, so I’m going to have to contact your father to discuss exactly what punishment you will receive. Young Eric replied: “Thank you. That will be awesome. I can’t wait to meet him!”

                                     

  

Non-stick Nora returned a wine box to Tesco, complaining that it clearly stated on the box that once opened, it would last six weeks. However, it was all gone in one night!

Tommy Grabknuckle wandered into his local pub, The Pitt Bull and Stanleyknife, not realising that it was fancy dress night. He suddenly encountered a pirate drinking at the bar. Tommy noticed his eye patch and his hook hand and asked him: “If I buy you a beer, will you tell me how you lost your right hand?” The pirate replied: “Sure! One night, we sailed into a storm, and I inadvertently fell overboard, and my right hand became caught in a giant clam. A shark came along and bit off my hand. Otherwise, I would have drowned!” Tommy was overawed with this incredible story, so he bought the pirate another beer and asked him: “How did you lose your left eye?” The pirate sez: “Well, one day I was gazing up into the clouds, when a seagull flew across and pooped in my eye.” Tommy couldn’t fathom this out. He asked the pirate: “Your left eye went blind because of bird poop?” The pirate shook his head and replied: “Nah! That was the first day I got this hook!”



Recommended Reading: I’ve just finished reading an excellent book called "Fights on a Narrowboat" by R.G. Bargee

I kid you not. This is true. I was sauntering up Scropton Street and passed the pet shop, and there was a cat in the window that they maintained was from Amsterdam, so I went inside and asked: “How Dutch is that moggy in the window?”

                                                 

  

The spotty, precocious yoof!

                    

Have you noticed that all the leaves are falling from the trees? What is going on? Could it be that Putin is up to summat? Perchance, it might be linked to nuclear waste being accumulated in Korea, or those awful oil fires in Iraq? Either way, Starmer should grasp the nettle and act quickly to resolve this unfortunate farrago. Come on Prime Minister, send David Lammy round with a rake!

Parliament is where an inveterate liar gets up to speak, says nowt, nobody listens and then everybody disagrees. That’s the measure of politicians. It reminds me of the priest who was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 35 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was selected to deliver the presentation and give a brief speech at the dinner. He was delayed, so the priest decided to share a few words while they waited. "I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person that entered my confessional told me he had stolen a car, had thieved money from his parents, embezzled from his place of work, had an affair with his boss’s wife, and taken illegal class A drugs. I was utterly appalled. But as time elapsed, I knew that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a community full of upstanding, fine and caring folk". Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and give his speech. "I’ll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honour of being the first one to go to him in confession."

I've invented a new range of concrete birdseed. It’s impeccable. I also invented an acid that would burn through anything, but I can’t find nowt to put it in.

                       

I managed to get on Dragon's Den with some of my other brainwaves. Of course, necessity is the mother of invention. When you’re caravanning or camping, then space is at an absolute premium, so I created a folding bottle that I called a ‘Fottle’ and Duncan Bannatyne said it was a rubbish concept. Unfazed, I pressed on, informing him, "Well, I've invented a folding kettle, I call it a ‘Fettle’ is that any good?" "Nope! It's been done already, pal." He curtly informed me. Feeling thoroughly dejected, I left the Dragons' Den and I didn't even bother to tell him about my folding bucket...

                                                   

Non-Stick Nora phoned BT Directory Enquiries. She sez: “I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Stalybridge, please.” Operator: “'I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?” Nora replied: “Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar, but the 'B' fell off.”

I had a bad day on Facebook yesterday. I’m still unsure exactly what to comment on a photo of a new baby, but I now know that it isn’t “Yikes!”

Fascinating Fact: A group of wolves is called a "pack". A group of teenagers is called a "whatever."

If, like me, you’ve ever been accused of being raised in a barn and want to talk about it, then remember my door is always open…

There was a spotty precocious youth sprawled on the back pew in the church at a funeral. He was talking into his iPhone, bemoaning the fact that 'funerals were boring' and 'there's no flamin’ Wi Fi in this church', when the priest approached him and proclaimed:" You are an ignorant imbecile, show some respect!" The scrote gazed at the priest and asked: "Is that all lower case, mate?"

                                

 

The most lost day in life is the day we don't laugh...

                                           

Last weekend, I was in the Tesco car park watching a woman who couldn't remember where she had parked. Every time she held her remote car key in the air, I honked my horn. Later on, I pointed a hairdryer at cars on Scropton Street to see if they slowed down. Isn’t life grand when you’re doo-lally!

My mobile phone accidentally recorded a ten-minute video of my shoes yesterday. There was some pretty good footage.

Ladies. Listen Up: If perchance l invite you out to dinner, don't bring your bag; I will never let you pay. The important thing is that you start running when I run.

Save money on batteries by only putting them into your clock when you wish to know the time.

If your application to join the French Foreign Legion is turned down, simply join the Royal British Legion instead—less danger, jackpot bingo and cheaper beer.

I was in the Pitt Bull and Stanley Knife pub with Barmy Albert , when this gang of Hells Angels Bikers started mouthing off at us! Barmy Albert suggested we should pretend that we're the Police. Not a good idea. We only got halfway through the first verse of Roxanne before they tarred and feathered us!

Fascinating Fact: NASA is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens. They're calling it Apollo G.

I told the missus that our next-door neighbour has sadly passed away. died. She said: "Who? Ray?"
I told her it was far too early to celebrate like that!



Just when I thought that there was no hope left, I remembered the lobsters swimming around in the tank in the restaurant on the Titanic.


                        

Non-Stick Nora was having a problem with her wardrobe door in the main bedroom. It would fall off its hinges whenever the 237 bus went by. She tried to repair it on numerous occasions, but the door would still become unhinged when the bus thundered past. She finally called Chester Draws, the local odd-job man. He turned up the following afternoon and had a shufty at the wardrobe door and could find no problem, then suddenly, the 237 went by and the door mysteriously fell off its hinges. Chester suggested that he step inside the wardrobe and that Nora should shut the door behind him, so that he could ascertain the problem. Meanwhile, Barmy Albert arrived home from work, and as soon as he entered the house, he could hear voices from the bedroom, so he rushed upstairs to investigate. He burst in and demanded to know who Nora was talking to. Before she could explain, he looked in the wardrobe and found Chester inside and asked, “What's he doing in there?” With all the dignity that he could muster, Chester replied: “You’re not going to believe this, but I’m waiting for a bus!”



Top Tip: Keep a forty-year-old refrigerator in the garage so you'll still have one that works when the one you bought this year stops working next year.

                     

                                                      www.UKCabaret.com

Charlie Chaplin lived 88 years. He left us 3 important statements:

(1) Nothing is forever in this world, not even our problems.

(2) I love walking in the rain because no one can see my tears.

(3) The most lost day in life is the day we don't laugh.

Life is just a journey! Therefore, live for today! Tomorrow may not be. Now visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com and click on my Jokey-Bloggington and exercise your guffaw glands!

                   

The Artist Formerly Known as Prince...

                                          

Breaking News: Although Andrew Mountbatten Windsor has relinquished his titles, he’s received two new titles. The first one is that he is to be referred to as: ‘The Artist formerly Known as Prince’, and he’s also the recipient of: ‘The Order of the Boot.’

                                  

Non-Stick Nora inadvertently locked her keys in her Reliant Robin Interceptor at Scropton Street back snicket. She looked around and spotted an old rusty coat hanger on the ground. She picked it up and whispered, “Lord, I have no idea how to use this.” So, she bowed her head and prayed, “Please, God, send someone to help me.” Just seconds later, a beat-up old motorcycle pulled into the back snicket. A bearded ruffian in a biker skull rag got off and asked, “Need some help, ma’am?” She explained, “Barmy Albert is ill. I’ve locked my keys in the car. I need to get home. Can you use this hanger to open it?” The biker smiled and said, “Sure.” In less than a minute, her car was unlocked. Overcome with emotion, she hugged the man and cried, "Thank you, God, for sending me such a kind man!" The biker chuckled and said, "Lady, I’m not a good man. I just got out of prison yesterday… for car theft." Nora hugged him even tighter and sobbed, "Oh, thank you, God… You even sent me a seasoned professional!"

Last week, two monsters attended a Halloween Party, one monster sez to the other: “A lady just rolled her eyes at me. What should I do?” The other monster replied: “Be a gentleman and roll them back!”

The three most difficult things for a man to say:

1) I was wrong.

2) I need help.

3) One smart fellow, he felt smart, two smart fellows, they both felt smart…

                            

I visited North Wales last week and couldn’t figure out if the road signs that advised “20” were actually miles per hour or the number of Labour voters left in Wales. Methinks the latter option would be the answer. My doctor is Welsh and he has prescribed me Prestatins…

Young Willy Eckerslyke sauntered into the local library and asked the librarian: “Do you have any books on Pavlov’s Dog or Schrodinger’s Cat?” The librarian replied: “ It rings a bell, but I’m not sure if it’s here or not.”

The missus phoned me from Aldi and was really annoyed and incandescent with rage about the inept cashier at the checkout. I asked her: “Are you in the self-checkout?” She replied: “Yes, I am. How did you know?”

I’m an international comedian. I’m out of work all over the world. I have a Polish friend who’s a sound technician and a Czech one too Czech one too. You’re Russian to get to the bathroom. You’re European when you’re in the bathroom. You’re Finnish when you leave the bathroom. Isn’t life grand when you’re barmy!

Meanwhile, at the Scropton Street Abattoir, Barmy Albert’s foreman told him: “ This is the fifth consecutive day in a row that you’re late for work. What conclusions do you reckon I make based on that?” Albert thought for a moment and replied: “That today is Friday?”

                            

Trick or Treat Time...

                                                       

                        

Every Halloween, a funeral director I know always ties the shoelaces of his clients together, because if there were ever a zombie apocalypse, it would be absolutely hilarious! Bonfire night looms ominously in the future, too. Rumour has it that you should never return to a firework that hasn’t gone off. My back garden has been off-limits since 2001.

                        

Last Sunday, I decided not to alter all the clocks. I’m just gonna watch ITV+1 for the next six months

Avoid burning your Hawaiian pizza by setting the oven at aloha temperature.

The wedding ceremony reached an awkward moment when the vicar asked if anyone had anything to say concerning the union of the bride and groom. Utter silence was broken when a beautiful young woman carrying a child stood up. She starts ambling towards the priest. The congregation was aghast - you could almost hear a pin drop. The groom's jaw dropped as he stared in disbelief at the approaching young woman and child. Chaos ensued as the bride threw the bouquet into the air and burst out crying. Then the groom's mother fainted. The best men started giving each other looks and wondering how to save the situation. The vicar asked the woman, "Can you tell us why you came forward? What do you have to say?" There was absolute silence in the church as the woman replied, "We can't hear you at the back." And that, dear reader, illustrates what happens when people are considered guilty until proven innocent.



Top Ten Signs That You Are Too Old to Be Trick-or-Treating:

10. You get breathless from knocking on the door.

9. You have to have another kid chew a caramel for you.

8. You ask for high fibre treats only.

7. When someone drops a chocolate bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over.

6. Folk say, “Brilliant Kier Starmer mask!” and you’re not wearing a mask.

5. When the door opens, you shout: “Trick or…” and can’t remember the rest.

4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.

3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won’t dislodge your hairpiece.

2. You’re the only wicked witch in the neighbourhood on a zimmer frame.

1. You avoid going to houses where any of your ex-wives live.


                             

I remember going to Blackpool for my holidays, and I went on a donkey. It took me a fortnight to get there.



After six attempts, Non-Stick Nora finally passed her driving test. Barmy Albert asked if her if he could buy her something as a celebratory present. She told him, "Just something cheap to run around in. So, he bought her a pair of trainers from Aldi....



Fascinating Fact: Work out how dead you are by simply putting the percentage sign after your age.



If you’re skint and desperately need a job, then apply to Search and Rescue. Apparently, they’re always looking for people.



If drinking alcohol damages short-term memory, then just imagine what drinking alcohol can do.



If you fancy a pre-Christmas laugh, then why not book for my comedy show at the Premier Lounge, Audenshaw, M34 5LP on 14th December. Irish comic Dusty Young and comedy songsmith Dom Collins will be appearing with me. It’ll be a reet good chortle. Contact the venue on 0161 337 9283 and book early!

                       

                          

Been there, done that, got the T-shirt!

                                           

Crazy Davey Swazee, a political science student, was compiling a thesis explaining what happened when he wore a Kier Starmer T-shirt for a whole week. So far, he’s been sworn at, spat at, pushed and slapped. He’s been left wondering what will happen when he leaves the house!

                                             

 

Last Sunday, my daughter Suzie called around and whilst having a cup of tea, she shouted, “Alexa, play ‘Let it Go’.” I told her that when I was her age, I had to phone up the BBC Light Programme, wait on hold for an hour to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play, so that I could record it. She then advised me: “I honestly don't know what any of that means.”

Young Willy Eckerslyke and his brother Woody stagger out of The Pitt Bull and Stanley Knife pub after a long night playing darts and dominoes, jump in the car, and start driving. A couple of minutes pass, and there's a tap on the window. Willy turns and screams, “There’s an old man’s ghost face at the window!” Woody then puts his foot right down on the accelerator, but the face remains there. The old man taps again and says softly: “You got any chewing gum?” The terrified Willy hands him a Wrigley's Spearmint and screams to his brother Woody, “STEP ON IT!” A few minutes later, they're laughing nervously when—tap-tap- tap—the old man's back, with a cigar in his gob! “Do you have a light?” he whispers. The lighter is passed quickly out of the window, and Willy shouts, “Drive!” Now the speedometer reads 100 mph, they are both white-knuckled and perspiring, when once again—tap-tap-tap. The window is rolled down slowly... “WHAT NOW?” Young Willy screams. The old fella smiles and sez calmly: “Do you need a push getting out of this mud?”

                                                        

Non-Stick Nora was enjoying a game of bingo with all her friends. "Oh, no!" she suddenly exclaimed. "Look at the time! I have to rush home and get tea ready for Barmy Albert. " When she got home, she discovered all she had in the fridge was a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a tin of Whiskas cat food. With no time to go to Aldi, she opened the tin of cat food, stirred in the egg, and garnished it with the lettuce leaf. She greeted Albert warmly when he came home, and then watched in horror as he sat down to his dinner. To her surprise, he seemed to be enjoying it and announced, "Nora, this is the best dinner you've made me in twenty-five years of marriage! You can make this for me any day?" Needless to say, every bingo day from then on, Nora made Albert the exact same grub. She told her bingo partners about it, and they were all flabbergasted. "You're going to kill him!" they exclaimed. Two months later, Albert was in Tameside hospital with numerous fractures and severe cuts and bruises. The women were sitting around the bingo hall and one of them said, "You nearly killed him. We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would have serious consequences!” "How can you just sit there so calmly knowing you caused serious injuries to your husband?" With all the dignity that she could muster, Non-Stick Nora stoically replied, "I didn't injure him at all. He fell off the shed roof when he was chasing a pigeon." Don’t ask meow!

Q: What does Arnold Schwarzenegger call a colonoscopy?
A: A Cameron Diaz

My mate Dave works as a road sweeper. I asked him, "What qualifications do you need for that job?" He replied: "None, you just pick it up as you go along!"

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station…
                                  

Scropton Street Wimmins Assoc....

                              

The missus sez I'm very immature and that I possess a childlike mentality and we need to set some time aside to discuss this unfortunate problem. Now as if that's gonna happen at the beginning of the conker season!

Get your head around this. The new Chief Constable of Merseyside has to find savings of £31 million. Meanwhile, Liverpool FC is buying a player for £125 million! The maths are easy. Draw your own conclusions about the state of our society. We’re all doomed!

A Police traffic officer was patrolling late at night around Stalybridge and Mottram. At almost midnight, he sees a couple in a car, in a cul-de-sac lane, with the interior light glowing brightly. He carefully approaches the car to get a closer shufty. He observes a young bloke behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young lady in the rear seat, filing her nails. Somewhat perplexed by this unusual scenario, the efficient policeman walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window. The young man lowers his window. "Uh, yes, Officer?" The copper asks: "What are you up to, at this late hour?" The young fella sez: "Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine." Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat, the traffic cop asked: "And, her, what is she doing?" The young man shrugs: "Sir, I believe she's filing her fingernails." Now, the copper is totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night, in a dark lane, and nothing is happening! The traffic cop asks: "How old are you, young man?" The young guy tells him, "I'm 21, sir." The policeman then asks: "And her, what's her age?" The young man glances at his watch and replies: "She'll be 18 in 11 minutes."

An invisible man married an invisible woman. Not sure what they see in each other. Their kids are nothing to look at either.

                           

Are you skint and have to use the food bank, but worried the neighbours will see you with all those bags? Do what I do and wear a tuxedo and carry it back in a cello case.

At the Scropton Street Women's Association, Non-Stick Nora was conducting a seminar on female empowerment and how to coexist in a loving relationship with their husbands. The women were asked, "How many of you love your husband?" Every woman raised their hand. Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?" Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn't recollect. The women were then told to take out their mobile phones and text their husbands - "I love you, Sweetheart." Next, the women were instructed to exchange phones with one another and read aloud the reply they received in response to their text message. Below are 12 hilarious replies. If you have been married for quite a while, you understand that these replies are a sign of true love. Who else would reply in such a succinct and honest manner?

1 Who the hell is this?

2. Eh, mother of my children, are you ill or what?

3. Yeah, and I love you too. What's wrong?

4. What now? Did you prang the car again?

5. I don't understand what you mean.

6. What the hell did you do now?

8. Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need.

9. Am I dreaming?

10. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.

11. I thought we agreed you wouldn't drink during the day.

12. Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn't she?

                     

 


As I was driving home last night, I spotted a group of folks on all fours in the central reservation who appeared to be eating grass. I stopped the car and asked what was going on. The bloke told me that they were asylum seekers who had come over from Calais and rather than go on the Bibby Stockholm migrant barge or to Rwanda, they had decided to fend for themselves. They had no money or resources and therefore were forced to eat grass. There was this middle-aged Albanian bloke and his three younger brothers.

I was utterly astounded at their predicament and told them to get into my car, because I intended to take them all to my house. I’d only travelled about 500 yards when I spied another group of people on their hands and knees eating grass. I asked the bloke if he knew who they were. He told me in broken English that they were other male members of his Albanian family who were also destitute and forced to eat grass.

He asked me if I could pick up these other members of his family and take them all to my house. It was then that I got quite annoyed and said to him “Hang on a minute! How big do you think my lawn is?”