UK Cabaret Magazine January 2025.

 www.ukcabaret.com

Happy New Year 2025!

 

    

Happy 2025 folks! Everyone’s trying to lose weight! Over the festered season, I have developed flabby thighs, but I am lucky because my stomach covers them. Some friends in my local pub, ‘The Pit Bull & Stanley Knife’ have joined a weight-loss organisation. At this week’s meeting, the instructor held up an apple and a chocolate bar. “What are the attributes of this apple,” she asked, “and how do they relate to our diet?” “Low in calories” and “lots of fibre” was among the ensuing answers. She then proceeded to detail what was exactly wrong with eating chocolate and concluded thus, “Apples are not only more healthy, but also less expensive. Are you aware that I paid 80p for this bar of chocolate?” They all stared, as she held aloft the forbidden treat. From the back of the room a small voice spoke up, “I’ll give you five quid for it!”

If there’s a future scandal involving Elon Musk, it probably would be called Elongate, which means it could go on forever ffs!

Biden is giving a eulogy at Carters funeral today. Is it worth it him going back home? He seems to have early onset rigor mortis.

Two Gorton lads were walking down Hyde Road, when a car pulled up and this fella wound the window down and sez: “ Discúlpeme! Habla usted español?” One of the boys shrugged and replies, “Sorry, no we don’t.” The geezer then asked, “Parlez vous Francais?” The lads replied ”No, we don’t mate.” The man in the car was getting quite frustrated and opined “Sprechen Sie Deutsch?” The Gorton boys advised him that they couldn’t speak whatever that language was either, which prompted the guy to drive off in a huff. One of the lads then said, “After that embarrassing carry on, I really wish I’d have taken the trouble to learn another language.” To which his mate replied, “Well, it didn’t do him much good, did it!”

Thought for Thursday: Anger and frustration are the only two emotions that allow your gob to accelerate and overtake your brainbox.

                      

Now that the weather has become a tad inclement, I have noticed that everyone up Scropton Street back snicket wears woolly jumpers that are at least one size too small, including me. However, we are a tight knit community!

The wife has been missing for well over a week now and the police called round last night and told me to expect the worst. So, this morning, I’ve had to go to the charity shop and get all her clothes back…

My New Year Wish: All I ask is one chance to prove that money can’t make me happy.

New Year Resolution: I am going to watch my wedding video in reverse later. I love the part where she takes her ring off and walks down the aisle backwards, gets in the car and goes back to her mother.

Real time slows as you approach the speed of light, whereas time flies when you’re having fun! So if you walk slower, do you have more fun or do you just get more light? http://www.ComedianUK.com Email me: comedianuk@sky.com Now, get back to work!

          

The Chrithmuth Naivety....

                                       

“So, this is Christmas and what have you done?” Is one of either two things.  The opening lyrics to a famous John Lennon song, or the wife about to start another argument!

Q) What do you call people who are afraid of Father Christmas?

A) Claustrophobic.



Q) What do you call a person that isn't sure that Christmas exists?

A) Eggnostic.



When I bought the Christmas tree from the local garden centre, the salesman sez, “Are you putting it up yourself?” I replied, “No. It’s for the living room…”

I rang my mate Stan this morning and his wife answered: "I wanted to wish you and Stan a good Christmas holiday, You fly from Gatwick tomorrow, don't you?" She sez: "Stansted." "Effinell!" I replied "He seemed absolutely fine in the pub last night."

                               

An electrician friend of mine didn't get home until after 2am after a Christmas Party night out. His wife asked him: "Wire you insulate?" He replied, "Watts it to you, I'm ohm, aren't I?".

On Christmas Day, I was sat on the sofa with the missus and she asked me: "Honey. Do you think I'm fat?" I replied: "Of course not. You're perfect." She sez: "Will you carry me upstairs to the bedroom?" I panicked and replied: "To prove how much I love you, I'm gonna bring the bed downstairs into the living room!"

                                 

The teacher asked the class to draw a Christmas scene. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I’m drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a moment." Priceless!
Christmas Quiz
What did the reindeer say before launching into his comedy routine?
This will sleigh you.

What do lions sing at Christmas?
Jungle bells!

What do you call the fear of getting stuck in a chimney?
Santaclaustrophobia

How do snowmen get around?
On their icicles.

What does Santa call reindeer that don’t work?
Dinner.




THE CHAV NATIVITY:
There’s this bird called Mary, yeah? She’s a virgin (wossat then?) She’s not married or nuffink, but she’s got this boyfriend, Joey, innit? He does joinery an’ that. Mary lives with him in a crib darn Nazaref. One day Mary meets this bloke Gabriel. She’s like `Oi Oo ya lookin at?’ Gabriel just goes ‘You got one in da club.’ Mary’s totally gobsmacked. She gives it to him large ‘Stop dissin’ me yeah? I ain’t no Kappa-slapper. I aint never bin wiv no one!’ Yeah, but no, but yeah!













‘Twas the night before Christmas–Old Santa was pissed.
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list.
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks.
I have a good mind to scrap the whole works!
I’ve busted my ass for damn near a year,
Instead of "Thanks Santa"–what do I hear?
The old lady bitches cause I work late at night.
The elves want more money–The reindeer all fight.
Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids.
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS.
And just when I thought that things would get better
Those assholes from the IRS sent me a letter,
They say I owe taxes–if that ain’t damn funny
Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money?
And the kids these days–they all are the pits
They want the impossible–Those mean little shits
I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds
Assembling dolls…Their arms, legs and heads
I made a ton of yo yo’s–No request for them,
They want computers and robots…they think – I’m IBM!
Flying through the air…dodging the trees
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees
I’m quitting this job there’s just no enjoyment
I’ll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment.
There’s no Christmas this year now you know the reason,
I found me a blonde. I’m going SOUTH for the season!!

Christmas Cracker Jokes.....

 

                                        

Reports are suggesting Everton were happy to play but Liverpool weren’t, despite claiming for years that they can walk on through the wind, walk on through the rain and walk through a storm! You can always tell a scouser, but you can’t tell ‘em much!

If you reckon that certain adults who believe in Santa Claus and The Tooth Fairy are total lollygaggers, then just remember that there are some folk who believe in Kier Starmer.


Non-Stick Nora and Barmy Albert were sauntering up Scropton Street yesterday and Nora asked Albert "What have you got me for Christmas?" He sez, "You see that pink BMW 4 Series Sport Auto Convertible over there?" She breathlessly replies, "Yeah!" He sez, "I got you a hairbrush, the exact same colour!" Nora always wanted a BMW because it’s the only car that she can spell! 

This Christmas, Santa has retired Rudolph from guiding his sleigh. He will be replaced by Olive, the other reindeer. If you don’t get it, just sing the song….

Back in the 70’s, when I first started out, I did impressions and one of the most watched TV shows back then was Columbo, starring Peter Falk as the rumpled, cigar chomping Lieutenant. The big difference with this cop show was that there were no guns or fast car chases included. Another fascinating fact was that they showed how the crime was committed at the very beginning and then our detective would eventually unravel it! This was an excerpt from a script that I performed in character at the time. Columbo sez to the suspect: “I have some good news and some bad news for you, sir.” The suspect replied: Give me the bad news first.” Columbo sez: “we found your blood at the murder scene, sir. So that’s how I know you did it.” The suspect replied: “What’s the good news?” Columbo told him: “Your cholesterol is very low, sir.”

Christmas Cracker Jokes: Q) Why has the Mafia got big ears? A) It's because Noddy refused to pay the ransom!"

Octogenarian Elsie Grabknuckle was picking through turkeys for her Christmas dinner and asked the butcher: "Excuse me, do these get any bigger?" The butcher replied, "No madam, they're all dead".

I’m am now a qualified counterfeiter.... I have the certificate to prove it....

Non-Stick Nora’s grandchildren kept finding their Christmas presents that she’d hidden all around the house. Barmy Albert suggested that she should just keep them in the loft. So, she tried that last night, but their constant crying and whining kept her awake. All the “I’m afraid of the dark” and “I don't like it up here, there’s loads of spiders.” really got on Nora’s nerves. She asked Albert: “Any other bright ideas?”

                                                 

 

When four of Santa’s elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being well behind schedule. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mother was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress. To compound an already unfortunate farrago, when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered all the toys all over the tarmacadam. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a tankard of apple cider and a tot of rum. However, when he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the naughty elves had quaffed the liquor, and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchenette floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the brush. Just then the doorbell rang and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened the door and there was a little fairy with a great big Christmas tree. The fairy sez, very cheerfully: "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn’t it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to put it?" And so began the tradition of the little fairy on top of the Christmas tree.

Miss Turtle, the teacher at Scropton Street Primary School asked little Jason: “Name ten animals from Africa.” Jason replied: “Nine elephants and one giraffe.”



A Yorkshire fella goes into the jewellers. He sez: ”Can tha mek me a gold statue o’ mi dog? ” Aye, a reckon a can, ” sez jeweller. “Does tha want it eighteen carat?” ”No.” replies the Yorkshireman: “I’ll ‘ave it chewin’ a bone….”



Breaking new: The South Korean pole-vault champion has just become the North Korean pole-vault champion…



If you cast your mind back to the grim days of the Covid lockdown, you may well recall that if you had members of family round, then the police could force entry into your property and make them all go home. Do any of my readers know if this service is still available and if you have to book? Asking for a friend obvs.

                                             

Yes folks, it’s nearly THAT time of year again! The month of December is where we drag a dead tree into our living room and eat chocolate out of an old sock! If it’s Christmas, get a turkey. If it’s raining get a Capon! Visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com

                                          

Gadzooks! Exercise you guffaw glands!

 

                                             

Gadzooks! In this appalling weather, I think that you should always check on the elderly and ensure that they’re in fine fettle. I’m normally up by 8-30 am. Bring me a McDonalds Breakfast bap and a large coffee. Aythengu!

When Barmy Albert had his training as an airline pilot, he sat in the cockpit and looked down nervously and asked: “What are all these buttons for?” The pilot replied; “They’re used to fasten your shirt up properly….”

Fascinating Factoid: Being twenty in the 70’s was much more fun that being seventy in the 20’s.

Due to the awful weather conditions, l visited my octogenarian neighbour Elsie Grabknuckle to ask if she needed anything from the local supermarket. It turned out she did, so l gave her my shopping list as well. There’s no point in both of us walking out on the icy pavements.

It is with great sadness that I have to mention the loss of a few local businesses as a result of Rachel Reeves' recent budget announcement. A local bra manufacturer has gone bust, a submarine company has gone under, a manufacturer of food blenders has gone into liquidation, a dog kennel has had to call in the retrievers and a company supplying paper for origami enthusiasts has folded. Interflora is pruning its business and Dyno-rod has gone down the drain.

                               

   

R.I.P. My mate Dave who told his missus that he was just popping out for some sewing thread, but spent the full day down Wetherspoons! Gone, but not for cotton. Isn’t life bobbins. Will Dave’s wife ever forgive his selfish behaviour? Frayed knot!

Non-Stick Nora was attending a first aid course and the instructor asked her: “What would you do if Barmy Albert accidentally swallowed your front door key?” She thought for a minute and replied: “I’d climb in through the kitchenette window...”

Yesterday I answered a knock on the door, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. "Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners." "Go away!" I sez. "I haven't got any money!", "I'm broke!" and proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto my hallway carpet. "If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Sir, I will personally eat the remainder." I stepped back and replied: "Well I hope you've got a good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning. What part of broke do you not understand?"
                                        

I heard about a man and a woman, who had never met before, and were both married to other people and found themselves assigned to the same sleeping car on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing the space, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper bunk and she in the lower. At 1 AM, the bloke leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma’am, I’m sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I’m awfully cold." "I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let’s pretend that we’re married." "Wow! That’s a great idea!" he exclaimed. "Good," she replied. "Then get your own blanket!"



Royal Mail are recruiting extra staff for just the Christmas period. Applicants must have franking sense.



I received a very sad letter this morning, it was written on an onion. The author was an elderly gentleman who resides in my parish, he has suffered serious hearing problems for a number of years. He was stone deaf. Then after a visit to his GP, was fitted with a revolutionary new hearing aid that allowed the old fella to hear one hundred percent. The old wag went back in a month to see the doctor. The quack pronounced, “Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear everything again.” To which the octogenarian geezer replied, “Oh, I haven’t told the family yet. I just sit around and listen to all the conversations. I’ve changed my will three times already this week!”




Don't let stress kill you off! Why not let me help? By reading this column regularly you will exercise your guffaw glands and laugh at all the fine jokes, superb entertainment and gracious hostility. Why not visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com or better still, gizzus a tweet on twitter.com/comedianuk You can email me too! comedianuk@sky.com

                                            

A lesson for us all....

                                         

A mouse, looking through a hole in the wall, sees the farmer and his wife open a package. He was terrified to see that it was a mousetrap. He ran to the patio to warn everyone.
-"There is a mousetrap at home!".

The chicken that was cackling and digging says: "excuse me, Mr. Mouse, I understand that it is a big problem for you, but it does not hurt me at all."

So, the rodent went to the lamb and he says the same thing: "Excuse me Mr. Mouse, but I don't think I can do more than ask for you in my prayers."

The mouse went to the cow and she said: "But am I in danger? I think not!" said the cow.

The mouse returned to the house, worried and dejected to face the farmer's mousetrap.

That night a great noise was heard like that of the mousetrap catching its victim, the woman ran to see what she had caught.

In the dark she did not see that the mousetrap caught the tail of a poisonous snake.

The speedy snake bit the woman, the farmer immediately took her to the hospital, she came back with a high fever.

The farmer to comfort her prepared a nutritious soup, grabbed the knife and went to find the main ingredient: the chicken; Since the woman did not get better, friends and neighbors went to visit them, the farmer killed the lamb to feed them, the woman did not get better and died.

And in the end, the husband sold the cow to the slaughterhouse to cover the funeral expenses.

The next time someone tells you about their problem and you think that it doesn't affect you because it's not yours and you don't pay attention to it, think twice, “he who doesn't live to serve, doesn't serve to live”.

The world is not going badly because of the wickedness of the bad, but because of the apathy of the good.

So when someone needs you for their problems, give them your hand or give them a word of encouragement.

May you never lack empathy!

Remember it very well, EMPATHY.

The Heffers Derriere Farrago....

                                           

What with the impromptu snowfall and minus temperatures, it was so icy last week that as I was filling the car up at the petrol station, I slipped over and no matter how hard I tried, I was unable to get back on my feet.  This woman sauntered over to me and exclaimed: “Oh dear!  Have you slipped on the ice?”  With all the dignity that I could muster, I curtly informed her: “No, I haven’t slipped on the ice.  I’m trying to break a bar of toffee in my back pocket….”

 

Barmy Albert sauntered into B & Q and asked the bloke in the orange apron: “I need to buy some nails.”  The bloke sez: “Do you want round-heads or oval-heads?”  Albert replied: “Round-heads.”  The bloke asked: “How long do you want them?”  Albert thought for a moment and sez: “I want to keep them….”  He was so confused that ended up at the checkout with a tube of ‘No More Nails’ and a hammer!

The times they are a-changing!  I overheard three boy scouts talking. First one sez, “They’re bringing back ‘Bob A Job’ Week.” The second scout replies, “What’s a bob?” The third one asks, “What’s a job?”

                                  

The boss wondered why Tommy Grabknuckle, one of his most valued employees was absent one day but had not phoned in sick. Needing to have an urgent problem with one of the main contractors resolved, he dialled Tommy’s home phone number and was greeted with a child’s whisper: “Hello.”  ”Is your daddy home?” he asked. “Yes.” whispered the small voice.  “May I talk with him?”  The child whispered: “Sorry, but no.” Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked: “Is your Mummy there?”  “Yes, she is.”  “May I speak with her?”  Yet again, the small voice whispered, “No.” Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, “Is anybody else there?”   “Yes.” whispered the child: “A policeman.”  Wondering what a copper would be doing at his employee’s home, the boss enquired: “May I speak with the policeman, then?”  “No, he’s really busy.”  whispered the child.  “Busy doing what?”   “He’s talking to Daddy and Mummy and the Fireman.” came the whispered answer.  Growing more worried and concerned, as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, “What is that loud noise?”   “A helicopter.” answered the whispering voice.  “What is going on there?” demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive. Again, whispering, the child answered: “The search team just landed a helicopter!” Alarmed and in a panic, apart from being totally frustrated the boss asked, “What are they searching for?”   Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle…   “Me!”

That’s kids for you though, isn’t it! Non-Stick Nora’s five-year old grandkid walked into the kitchenette one Sunday morning while Nora was reading the paper. "Nana, where does poo come from?" she enquired. Feeling a little perturbed that her five-year old grandkid is already asking difficult questions, Nora thought for a moment and replied: "Well you know we just ate breakfast?" "Yes," answered the child. " Well, the food we eat goes into our tummies and our bodies break down the food with strong acid, then we take out all the good stuff, and then whatever is left over is disposed of when we go to the toilet and that is poo." The kid looked shocked and stared at nana Nora with watery eyes in a stunned silence, her bottom lip quivering, then she asked: "And Tigger?"

This bloke staggered into Tameside Hospital Accident and Emergency Dept with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.  Naturally, the Doctor asked him, "What happened to you?"   "Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with the missus, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture. We went to look for them and while I was looking round I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end." "I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife’s monogram on it – stuck right in the middle of the heffers derrriere."  Still holding the cow’s tail up, I shouted to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!"    "I don’t remember much after that…"

Still on the subject of kids, a teacher observed a boy entering the classroom with dirty hands. She stopped him and said, "Kevin, please wash your hands. My goodness, what would you say if I came into the room with hands like that?" With a smile the boy replied: "I think I’d be too polite to mention it."

 

 You’ll always miss 100% of the shots you fail to take, and statistically speaking, 99% of the shots you do take. On that basis, is a leading authority anyone who has guessed right more than once? So where does this leave Kier Starmer? If he listened to himself more often, he would talk less.

 

There comes a time in life when you walk away from all the drama and people who create it. You surround yourself with people who make you laugh, forget the bad and focus on the good.  So love the people who treat you right, pray for the ones who don't. Life is too short to be anything but happy. Falling down is a part of life, getting back up is living. Visit my website for more jocular gubbins.  Just click on www.ComedianUK.com and scroll to my hilarious Jokey-Bloggington.  Now, get back to work!