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Friday, 15 January 2021

Maxine has the vaccine!

 

                                                  



Professor Chris Whitty, the government scientist geezer, has said that the Covid-19 vaccine is the best thing we have in our arsenal. Personally, I'd like it in my arm, thank you very glad!

All High Street chemists will be administering the Covid vaccine soon. In fact, there’s a bloke on Scropton Street Outdoor Market selling Astra-Zenica vaccines for two quid each or three for a Pfizer. Roll up! Roll up! Your sleeves!



Of course the vaccine is manufactured by Pfizer, who also make Viagra. Now they can raise the dead and save the living! Who’d a thowt it!



The missus sez: “All you’ve done today is contradict me.” I replied: “No I haven’t!” That’s when the fight started!


                                


Every major supermarket is now insisting you must wear a face mask on entry; however you can still wear your pyjamas and leave your teeth and bra at home.



A circus owner runs an advert for a ‘Lion Tamer Wanted’ and two prospective applicants show up. One is Barmy Albert in his late sixties and the other is Non-Stick Nora, a lovely brunette with a voluptuous figure in her mid-thirties. The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer, so you two had better be good or you're history." "Here's your equipment -- a chair, a whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?" Nora sez: "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge towards her. As he gets close, Nora throws open her coat revealing her beautiful, perfect naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss every inch of her body for several minutes, then lays down and rests his head at her feet. The circus owner's jaw is on the floor!! He exclaims: "That's amazing! I've never seen anything like that in my life!" He then turns to Barmy Albert and asks, "Can you top that?" Albert replies: "I’ll give it a try, but you've got to get that flamin’ lion out of there first..."

                                      

Once upon a time, after devouring a Ruby, I suddenly developed the ballroom blitz and had to rush into the public toilets in Manchester Piccadilly. I kicked the lavatory door open and hurriedly sat upon the bog and after pebble-dashing the ablutions, I happened to notice a pair of plimsolls between my legs. I gingerly extricated myself and noticed a little bloke sat on the khazi and apologised “I’m very sorry, I didn’t see you sat there...”. To which he replied “I didn’t think you did, that’s why I pulled your trousers back up..”

Advert in this newspaper: For sale. Framed picture of John Lennon's wife. £100 ono

In 2021, go and laugh in the places where you have cried and change the narrative.


                                  



I didn't want to believe my dad was stealing from his job as road works foreman but, when I got home, all the signs were there.

I lost both my parents when I was 12 years old. What a card game that was! Never played cards since because I’m frightened of winning ‘em back!
  

                                       



I’ve always appreciated the offbeat characters, the lollygaggers, the odd-balls, the skewiff entities, the wallflower folk, the bizarre rejects, the left-of-centre activists, the mamzers, the ne’er do wells, the knaves and rapscallions. The snowflake tribes are the bane of society and will be responsible for our eventual undoing. If you concur, then visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com and you can also email me: comediasnuk@sky.com. Now, don’t forget that we’re all in the same boat. However, some are in a super multi-million pound yacht, whereas, we’re all in a rubber dinghy that’s sinking fast!

 

                                       


Sunday, 10 January 2021

The squashed hedgehog farrago....

             




I was utterly confused when it snowed last week. Does anyone know how many snowmen you're allowed in your garden under current restrictions?

Barmy Albert drove over a squashed hedgehog the other day. He sez to Non-Stick Nora “that’s a Himalayan hedgehog.” “How could you possibly know that?” She asked. “Because ‘him-a-layin’ on the road”

You know when you’re on the khazi, then suddenly realise that there’s no bog roll left, so you have to get up and do that awkward little waddle, with your undercrackers around your ankles to get a new toilet roll? Well, I got 100 yards from the local Co-op, afore the police stopped me. Apparently, we’re not allowed out during lockdown.

                                         



I asked the missus “where’ve you been?” She sez “Scraping the car.” I replied “Against what?” That’s when the fight started...

All High Street chemists will be administering the Covid vaccine soon. In fact, there’s a bloke on Scropton Street Outdoor Market selling Astra-Zenica vaccines for two quid each or three for a Pfizer. Roll up! Roll up! Your sleeves!)

I went into the chemist and asked for pile ointment. The assistant sez: "It’s over there on the bottom shelf."

                                         

I overheard two kids arguing in the newsagent’s shop. The little girl was shouting: “That idiotic teacher dosen’t know anything whatsoever about maths, history or geography and I’m sure I could smell cheap vodka on her breath!” The little lad replied: “Pack it in now, Lucy! Mum is trying her bestest!”

                                                        



So, if you think that everything is all terrible now, then just wait for twenty years when the country is being run by kids that were home-schooled by alcoholics!



With the dreaded pandemic increasing, it’s been announced that as from next week, all postmen will be working from home. They will read all your mail and if it’s anything important, they give you a ring.

                                                



Why don’t they put the vaccine in beer, open all the pubs and then everyone will be immunised within a week.



The missus asked me if I'd ever regretted saying something. "Yes, I do" I replied.

"Well, what was it then?" she asked.


                                                 




Never mind that there Covid-19 gubbins. My doctor reckons I might have Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis, but he says it’s difficult to say at the moment.



Barmy Albert went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before. “You’ll get your opportunity in court.” advised the Desk Sergeant. “No, no, no!” sez Albert. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking up

The missus, I’ve been trying to do that for years!”



In 2021, walk away from folk who put you down. Walk away from disagreements that will never be amicably resolved. Walk away from trying to please people who will never see your true worth. The more you walk away from scenarios that poison your soul, the healthier and happier you will be! There are those that I've walked with in my life. There are those that I have walked past. There are those who've walked all over me and then there are many I truly wish I could walk alongside right now.
If you fancy a chortle this New Year, then visit my website www.ComedianUK.com and click on my Jokey-Bloggington. Happy New Year Folks! Wahay! Hands-Space-Face!

                                           


Monday, 4 January 2021

Dry January....


                                        




I’ve decided that I’m having a dry January. I’ve Just bought 5 cases of Sauvignon Blanc. There are only 358 days until the next lockdown! I’m drinking until midnight to see in the New Tier!


The snow was so thick here. I asked a snowman the time and he just stared at me. I spotted him in the Co op earlier picking his nose.


Apparently, the Finnish language has a word "kalsarikkanit", which roughly translated means "sitting at home in your underwear drinking alcohol, with no intention of going anywhere." Or lockdown, as we now know it... Who’d a thowt it’




                                     





The sweater I got for Christmas kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back to Marks & Spencer and they exchanged it for another one, free of charge.








Breaking News: In Dover, the Covid driver testing station reports they're mainly coming back HGV Positive. The BBC have made a film about it. I’ve seen the trailer...





                                




Some Tier 4 party games to help you through the shenanigans:


Musical Chair.


Hold the Parcel.


Hide.


Monotony.


For more adult tastes: put your car keys in a bowl.



                                       






Barmy Albert asked the parachute shop owner, "What will happen if it doesn't open?" He said, "Bring it back with the receipt and we will refund you." What a decent bloke, you can't argue with that!







I looked out of my window and saw a gaggle of folk meandering around a bloke who had just come off his moped. I frantically rushed over. "Get out of the way!" I shouted, as I pushed through the crowd. "Are you a doctor?" one woman screamed. "No" I replied, "He's got my pizza."





                                        




A travel agent looked up from his desk on New Year's Eve and saw an older lady and an older gentleman peering into the shop window, where there were posters of glamorous destinations around the world. The agent had had a cracking week, and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity. He called them into his shop. "I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won't take no for an answer." He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five-star hotel. The older lady and gentleman, as could be expected, gladly accepted and were off! About a month later, the little lady came in to the travel agency. "And how did you like your holiday?" the agent asked eagerly. "The flight was exciting, and the resort was idyllic!” she said. "I've come to thank you. But, one thing perplexed me. Who was that smelly old bloke that I had to share the room with?"

















Sadly, my dear friend Tommy Docherty passed away on New Year's Eve. We had many a chortle together. He was a character of infinite jest and life will be much poorer without his hilarious company. RIP Doc, it was a privilege to have known you. There’ll never be another.