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Sunday, 2 August 2020

New Covid-19 Guidance....

                                               


Right folks. Listen up! New Covid-19 rules apply as from this week. You are now allowed to meet another member of your family, providing that they have either the letter Y or a letter P in their surname, but this applies only on a Monday. You can go and see Auntie Maud, but only if she is over 5 feet tall and has a black and white tomcat, which MUST be neutered. Please adhere to these basic rules and Stay Alert!



I’m sure that we can all agree that if in 2015, you were asked: - “Where do you see yourself in five years time?” Then not a single person would’ve got the correct answer. Except, maybe Nostradamus!



If you're refusing to wear a mask due to concerns your brain will be deprived of oxygen, then I reckon that ship has already sailed....



Are your kids watching too much TV during rainy lockdown July British summertime freezing cold weather? Well, just put the telly on mute and switch on the subtitles and hey presto - they’re reading!

                                                                 


Exercise extreme caution when going into supermarkets if they scan your forehead in order to ascertain your temperature. It causes severe memory loss! I went in yesterday for a loaf and some milk and came out with a case of beer and a bottle of brandy. Shurely shome mishtake!



I used to wonder about people who paid a fortune for those little bottles of Evian water until I read it backwards!
                                               



Quarantine options now available: Fly into the United Kingdom from pandemic-free Canaries or Balearic Islands and be subjected to two weeks quarantine or just sail in on a rubber dingy and be fast tracked to a council house and full benefits. You choose.



I always wanted to be a barber, as a child I'd practice in my bedroom, using a microphone as a hairbrush.



I was bored, so was playing online Scrabble with none other than Midge Ure. I had four letters left over, but they mean nothing to me. O-V-N-R.


                                                             

Angela Merkel has advised all Germans to stock up on sausages and cheese in the event of a second spike of the dreaded pandemic. She did mention that this would be a wurst käse scenario....



During lockdown, I’ve been trying to teach my little dog Alfie to dance. He’s not very good at it. Methinks he has got two left feet!


                                     



Was at Tesco yesterday and a customer was being rude to a member of the check-out lady, so she scanned him in the eyes with the barcode thingy. The look on his face was priceless. He apologised and they’re now an item. He has a bag for life!



                                     




As I get older I find I only need 3 shops. Specsavers for my reading glasses, Boots the Chemist for my medication and Greggs for savoury comestibles. My life now is all Specs and Drugs and sausage rolls!




I was making every endeavour to attempt to eschew obfuscation via the utilisation of sesquipedalian terminology, however, it has since emerged that I am a perpetrator of terminological inexactitudes and this will merely compound an already unfortunate farrago. So visit my all new Jokey-Bloggington and continue the quest! Just clickety-click on www.ComedianUK.com You can email me too! comedianuk@sky.com
Now, assume a comical position and strike the pose!





                           



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