The missus was bemoaning the fact that she’s put on too much weight during the lockdown and curtly informed me that she wants £6,000 to have a gastric band fitted. I replied “Here’s a fiver. Buy a padlock for the fridge.”
Apparently, it’s called a ‘Covidcoaster’. It entails the ups and downs of the pandemic, self-isolating, lockdown, quarantine, social distancing gubbins. One day, you’re quite content in your bubble. Baking chocolate cakes, doing the Joe Wickes exercise routine and playing online bingo. The next moment, you’re drinking lager for breakfast and missing folk that you hate and don’t even want to associate with!
Covid-19 Testing: - Pour a measure of malt whiskey, pink gin or Bacardi rum into a glass, then see if you can smell it. If it gives off a pleasant bouquet, then you can carry on and taste it. If it tastes reet gradely, you can then drink it and if you can taste it it's reasonable to assume you’re currently free of the dreaded virus. I tested myself six times last night and was virus free on each occasion. I will repeat the test again today, in order to ensure continuing good health. On the minus side, I’ve developed a splitting headache, which can also be a symptom. I must admit that having to adjust to present times is akin to having your hair set on fire and trying to extinguish the flames with a lump hammer...
Of course, during the middle ages, they celebrated the end of the plague with wine and orgies. Is anyone aware of any similar arrangements that are planned, when this one finally ends? Asking for a friend...
This bloke sez: - “Mum. I don't want to go to school, the teacher’s gossip about me, and the kids just hate me!" She said "You have to go, you're the headmaster!" My Mum always told me that if I was naughty, she’d “Knock us into next year!” If only that offer was still open!
I went into the Co-op this morning and picked up a can of fly spray. I asked the assistant "Is this good for wasps?" She replied, "No, it kills them..."
I went train spotting last weekend. It's a doddle! They are flippin’ massive and make a load of noise....
Barmy Albert went for an interview as an offal packer at Scropton Street Abattoir. "Now this is the verbal part of your employment test," said the chief slaughterhouse operative. "Can you tell me what gross aggrandized annuity means?" "Certainly," replied Albert. "It means I don't get the job."
Non Stick Nora sez to Barmy Albert, "The trouble with you Albert is that whenever anything goes wrong, you always blame it on someone else." Albert looked at Nora and replied, "And whose fault is that?"
I frightened the postman yesterday by going to the door with no clothes on. I'm not really sure what scared him most, me in my birthday suit, or the fact that I knew where he lived.
If you made a mistake, then apologise. If you are thankful, just say it. If you’re confused, ask questions. If you are lucky enough to learn summat new, then teach it. If you are stuck, ask for assistance. If you’re wrong, admit it. If you are in a position to unselfishly give, then give. If you love someone, tell them NOW! If you’re famished, ask someone to make you a sammitch! If you fancy a chortle, then visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com and visit my all new Jokey-Bloggington! You can email me too:- email@example.com
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