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Sunday, 17 May 2020

We live in strange times....


 Ensuring that you’re observing social distancing rules and not travelling out of your designated area: If you go down to the woods today, today’s the day the teddy bears have their picnic. Providing they all live in the same household that is! 

Hindsight is a wonderful thing. For instance, had I known in March that this was the last time I’d be dining in a restaurant for a considerable period, then I definitely would have ordered the dessert....

We live in strange times. Now you can’t go into a bank, unless you’re wearing a mask!

Some years ago my brother in law was sent to jail. He didn't take it very well and refused to speak to any of his immediate family. He refused all offers of food and drink and swore and insulted anyone who came near him and partook in disgusting behaviour that became intolerable in any family environment. Now, during lockdown we will always refuse to play Monopoly with him ever again.

Bored during self-isolation? Why not phone up a women’s rights groups and ask to speak to the bloke in charge.

People not observing social distancing? If you're sitting in public and a total stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, "Did you bring the money?"

This blind bloke with a guide dog and a rough looking blonde (albeit with a black parting) harridan on his arm stopped me in Manchester City Centre, yesterday. He asked me if I was Korean. When I told him I wasn’t,  he sez:  “Will you mind my dog while I go shag this prostitute down that back ginnel?”  #bekind

I must admit that I’m wholly impressed at just how smart the Covid 19 really is. For example: It doesn't contaminate you at all major supermarkets, but it sure will get you at Wetherspoons, McDonalds, hair and nail salons, restaurants, bars and any other small businesses.Tricky little devil innit!. It's just been on the news that this Coronavirus attacks the poorest in society first. This virus is so clever, it even knows you’re skint! I’m broke, but posh skint. I’m baroque! Fascinating!


I always remember my first ever girlfriend She always smelled of cricket bats. Her name was Lindsey Doyle.

I often wonder if Steve and Dave had formed the band instead of Benny and Björn, would they have called it ASDA? Last time I visited The Trafford Centre, they had a very noisy ABBA tribute band on. They were so loud, you could hear the drums from Nandos.

Gemma Collins: Words cannot describe how talented she is. But numbers can: 0/10...


Quote of the week: "I can't wait for all the pubs to reopen, so I can drink a lot less." Bob Skupham

Notice to occupants of flats: COVID 19 Precautions. To help with social distancing, please walk on the RIGHT HAND SIDE of the staircase going up and the LEFT HAND SIDE coming down. Thank You. Advice on social distancing rules from a Hyde Housing Association property.

From last Wednesday, Boris has relaxed the rules and you can now play football, but only with members of your own family. Norwich v Ipswich kicks off at 8pm tonight. Furthermore, Garden Centres are now open. Well, I planted my backside on the settee 7 weeks ago and it has grown to magnanimous proportions

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