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Saturday 23 May 2020

The COVID 19 Quiz!


What I’d like to know is why the government can put a protective ring around the twisted fire starter that is Dominic Cummings, but they can’t do the same around care homes?


The eventual outcome of the following conversation did not end well: Wife: “Have I got fat during this quarantine lark?” Husband: “Well, you weren't really that skinny to begin with!” Time of death 10:05pm Cause of death: Covid 19 – Husband 0.

One has to exercise extreme caution and tact when discussing such delicate matters with the missus. I sez to her: “You’ve put on a bit of weight, during lockdown.” She replied: “Tell me summat that I don’t know!” I sez: “Salad tastes nice!” That’s when the fight started!

Breaking News: 157 deaths from COVID 19 in Chicago, USA were complicated by bullet holes. The concrete boots were deemed a a further underlying issue...

I’ve become so befuddled during this lockdown lark that I’ve resorted to sending my next-door neighbour Barmy Albert a dozen red roses every Friday, together with a card saying ‘I Miss You xxx’, just so I can sit in the garden with a beer and listen to Non-Stick Nora giving him the third degree...


I must admit that I’m wholly impressed at just how smart this Corona virus gubbins really is. For example: It doesn't contaminate you at all major supermarkets, but it will definitely infect you at Wetherspoons, McDonalds, hair and nail salons, restaurants, bars and any other small businesses. Tricky little devil innit!. It's just been on the news that this Coronavirus attacks the poorest in society first. This virus is so clever, it even knows you’re skint! I’m broke, but posh skint. I’m baroque! Fascinating!


Nicola Sturgeon has ensured that lockdown rules are more stringent north of the border. I’ve just heard that Scottish duo The Proclaimers have been fined for not adhering to daily exercise limits and exceeding government guidelines. Walking 500 miles and then 500 more is deemed excessive!

Moreover, PMQ’s is becoming a veritable sight to behold. Priti Patel announced that she had some good news to announce, namely that during the lockdown, figures for shoplifting, burglary and car crime are well down. Could this be because all the shops are shuttered, everyone is confined to barracks at home and nobody is driving anywhere?


One of the few highlights of lockdown was the new series of ‘Who Wants To Be A Millionaire’ where that bloke won a cool half million. What they didn’t show was my next-door neighbour Barmy Albert who managed to get on, but unfortunately was so intellectually inept that he couldn’t get past his first £100 question! Jeremy Clarkson curtly informed him that he would have to use up a lifeline. Albert agreed to phone a friend, who it turned out was Non-Stick Nora. Jeremy sez: “You have 30 seconds, starting now!” Nora replied “I understand you have a question for me. What is it?” Albert replied: “Should I go 50/50, or ask the audience!”

If you don't do anything else today, be sure to tell someone about the hilarious comic Austin Knight and this craze-ridden newspaper column! Spread the gospel around the local pub, the lap dancing bar, the dole office, on the train coming back from community service, on the bus returning from visiting your probation officer, and at 30,000 leagues beneath the sea. Okay, forget about the underwater gubbins but do all the rest, that's an order! Visit my website too! You can email me:

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