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Monday, 1 April 2019

April Fools Day....


                                                  






April Fool’s Day was cancelled last Monday as nobody could match the shenanigans that is going on with our politicians at Westminster. Furthermore, The Sleeping beauty awoke after 100 years, turned to her Prince and sez: "Are we out of the EU yet?" Could the beginning of April actually be the end of May?

                                          


Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine fella, who will give them sincere compliments they might not deserve. Housework was a woman's job, but one evening, Non-Stick Nora arrived home from work to find the children bathed, one load of laundry in the washer and another in the dryer. Dinner was in the oven, and the table set. She was flabbergasted! It turns out that Barmy Albert had read an article that said, 'Wives who work full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to make love'. The night went very well. The next day, Nora told her friends all about it. 'We had a great dinner. Albert even cleaned up the kitchen. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put it away. I really enjoyed the evening.' 'But what about afterwards?' asked her friends. 'Oh, that........... Albert was too tired.'



                                          


I have just taken up transcendental meditation. It certainly beats sitting around doing nowt all day.


                                



I was in a mobile phone shop at Crownpoint Shopping Centre: "This is a high-end, state-of-the art Apple Smart Watch," said the geezer. "It features full mobile phone capability, meaning you can make and receive calls simply by holding it up to your ear. You can surf the internet, update your Facebook status, send a tweet on Twitter, it also has a pedometer, telling you how many steps you’ve done and a heart monitor that checks your blood pressure!" "Sounds great," I said. "But then how would I tell the time?" He said, "That's what your mobile phone is for." Hmmm, methinks that life was much easier when Apple and Blackberry were merely fruits...

                                          


I knocked on my neighbour's door yesterday, and said, "Sorry to be cheeky, but do you mind if I use your bathroom? Mine's out of order, at the present time." "Not at all, come on in," he laughed. About twenty minutes later he knocked the door and said, "Excuse me, but are you all right in there?" I shouted, "I'm spot on, matey. You need to buy more Radox bubble bath and shampoo, by the way."

                                  


Life is too short to wake up with regrets. So love the people who treat you right. Avoid lollygaggers, wastrels, scallywags and knaves. Learn to chop wood into nice little squares. Believe everything happens for a reason. If you get a second chance, grab it with both hands. If it changes your life, then let it. Nobody said life would be easy, they just promised it would be worth it. So, now you know! Visit my website www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me:comedianuk@sky.com. Now, get back to work!

                                  


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