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Thursday, 31 January 2019

Court Circular....


                                  

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

______________________________________
And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Saturday, 26 January 2019

Start The Referendum!

                                             
                                 


Ten referenda, waiting to be called. And if one referendum should accidentally fail, there’ll be nine referenda waiting to be called! Today is not the end of January; hopefully, it’ll be the end of May! She may not have the moves. She may not have the style. But anything she lacks. She makes up in denial. Start the referendum!

                             


"Sorry I'm late back home," Barmy Albert opined: "This bloke had lost a fifty quid note in Tesco." "Were you helping him look for it?" enquired Non-Stick Nora."Nope. I was standing on it." Replied Albert...


   
The wife takes absolutely ages to get ready to go out. I shouted up the stairs: “How much longer are you gonna be?” She replied: “I told you an hour ago, I’ll be five minutes!” When I’m getting ready to go out, I’m more like a microwave meal. I’m ready in three minutes and I look nothing like my pics!

                                             


Thought for Thursday: The most difficult aspect of joining Hypochondriacs Anonymous is admitting there's nothing whatsoever wrong with you....

                                     


Two blonde girls were meandering through a field, when Sandra suddenly exclaimed, "Look Tracy, there's a flock of goats!" Tracy sez, "Herd of goats, you bozo!" Sandra replied, "Of course I’ve heard of goats, there's a flamin' flock of 'em over there!" They meander among us!

                                           

OLD JOKES HOME: This fella returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight. While en route home he asks the taxi driver if he would be a witness. The man suspects his wife is having an affair and he wants to catch her in the act. For a fee of fifty quid, the taxi driver agrees. Quietly arriving home, the husband and taxi driver tiptoe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back, and there is his missus in bed with another man! The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head. The wife shouts, “Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited any money”. HE paid for the Range Rover Evoque that I gave you. HE paid for our new cabin cruiser. HE paid for your football season tickets. HE paid for our holiday home in the Lake District. HE paid for our golf club membership, and HE even pays all the monthly bills!' Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks over at the taxi driver and says,” ‘What would you do?'
The taxi driver replies, 'I'd cover him up with that duvet before he catches pneumonia, mate!"

                                 


Research has shown that folk who quaff tankards of foaming ale and refuse to suffer fools gladly are a hundred percent more happy and contented than teetotal miserable vegan whinging cretins and copious other do-gooders on this planet.
                                       



Wit is often a mask. If you could peer behind its gossamer fa├žade, you would find either genius meandering or chutzpah sauntering. That’s why you should never let your mind wander. Summat that small shouldn’t be out on its own. Nurse, fetch the screens! Visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com or email me: comedianuk@sky.com. Now, get back to work!


                                                    

Sunday, 20 January 2019

Prince Philip Dashcam Footage....

                                         


After being involved in a bad car accident and writing off his Range Rover last week, The Duke of Edinburgh has now bought a new all-electric car. He’s decided to turn over a new Leaf...

                                   

                             


WEATHER WARNING! Southerners: Snow, ice & blizzards are expected at weekend, so you are advised not to travel. Northerners: You'll need your big coat....



During yet another Brexit discussion on the radio yesterday morning, the presenter was talking to the CEO of a robotic welding company “What will you do after Brexit?” was the question. “We will keep soldering on” came the reply.

                                                 


                                                   


Walking the dogs around the reservoirs, I came across this bloke trout fishing. "How do you ascertain that there are any trout actually in there?" I asked. "Little eddies in the water," he replied. "What, and he lets you know?"



“Knock- knock”.

“Who’s there?”

“Grandad”.

“Quick, stop the cremation!”



I was talking to this girl backstage at a club. She informed me people called her Vivaldi.

I asked her: “Is that because you're a brilliant violinist". She replied: “No, not at all, it's because my name is Viv and I work at Aldi."

                                       
                                           

Folk who use the use the saying: ‘What goes around comes around’ have never waited by the luggage carousel at Terminal 2 at Manchester Airport.



Non-Stick Nora went to see a spiritualist. In a dark, foreboding and ominous sanctuary, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news: "There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year." Visibly shaken, Nora stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose her and to stop her mind racing. She simply had to know the truth. Nora met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice and asked, "Will I be acquitted?"

                               


The snow was so thick last weekend. I asked a snowman the time and he just stared at me. How heavy was the snowfall? Well, you could no longer see the fridges and washing machines in Non-Stick Nora’s front garden!

                                         

Thought for Thursday: It's dead easy for any bloke to ascertain just how drop-dead gorgeous any female in a room is, by the number of times his missus calls her a trollop....



Begin every conversation with, "Let me tell you about Austin Knight and his hilarious weekly column," and happiness, chortles and guffaws will permeate the atmosphere that surrounds you!. Everyone will want to be your best pal, your team leader will promote you, sales folk will give you lots of free stuff, the traffic cops will let you speed down the M67 and everyone will want to be as crazy as you are. Don't think it's true? There's only one way to find out. Visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com and try it today. Now, get back to work!

                                                       
     


Sunday, 13 January 2019

Elf & Safety Gubbins...

                                


Whilst sauntering down Scropton Street yesterday, as I passed the abattoir, I spied a van. The lettering on it said: Robert and Robert - Painters and Decorators. I thought, that sounds like a two Bob outfit to me...



Remember the times before health and safety regulations? Back then it was called common sense. We kids would never have played conkers, if we had to wear a pair of welder’s goggles. We’d have taken up welding or summat.



Barmy Albert keeps saying to me: "Cheer up; it could be hell of a lot worse than it is. You could be stuck deep underground in a hole full of water." I know he means well.



Last weekend, I saw an incredibly loud Abba tribute band in the Trafford Centre.

You could hear the drums from Nando’s....



I’ve just walked out of the supermarket and they’re already selling mince pies for next Christmas! Not only that, but the sell by date is next week! It’s a total disgrace!
                                                   



Non-Stick Nora: " Barmy Albert has a habit of talking in his sleep. What should I give him to cure it?" Doctor: "Give him the opportunity to speak when he is awake."



Julie Andrews will no longer be endorsing Rimmel Vibrant Shades Lipstick, as she claims it breaks too easily and makes her breath smell putrid. In a statement she said "The super colour fragile lipstick gives me halitosis!"
                                                   



A pork pie costs £3.50 in Jamaica, A steak and kidney pie will rush you £4.75 in Aruba. Furthermore it is £3.25 for a meat and spud growler in the Bahamas. These are the pie rates of the Caribbean, folks! . I’ll get me hat and coat....



Thought for Thursday: When they empty your wheelie bin, do you go out later to the landfill site to ascertain how it's doing? No. So, stop checking on your ex-partners!



I was shopping with the wife at the local Tesco supermarket and suddenly couldn't find her, "I've lost the wife!" I muttered slightly louder than was really necessary. Then, I heard a man's voice from the next aisle, "Some guys have all the luck!" Anyway, I started talking to a voluptuous young brunette woman, because whenever I do summat like that, the missus just seems to appear out of nowhere. I finally located her in the frozen food section. Apparently, she had leaned into the freezer in an attempt to extricate a packet of vichyssoise and five fish fingers grabbed her by the throat!

                                         


The hospital phoned yesterday: "Your Mother-in-Law has been admitted this morning". I asked the matron: "How is she?" She replied: "I'm afraid she's critical". I sez: "Yeah, but you get used to that..."





Remember folks, no matter how much you push the envelope it will still be stationary! If you want to keep up with all the latest jocular gubbins, then visit my website. Just clickety-click on: www.ComedianUK.com and visit my all new Jokey-Bloggington for a chortle and a guffaw. You can email me too: comedianuk@sky.com Now, get back to work!


                                   



Monday, 7 January 2019

The Ryanair Syndrome...

                


To the person who stole my anti-depressants. I hope you’re happy now. Moreover, I’d like to inform the geezer who nicked my train set: “What goes around.....”



I caught a spider yesterday. The missus sez: "Don't kill it, take it out." So I did, nice spider. Her name was Simone and she's hoping to become a web designer...



I sez to the window cleaner, "Because I caught you peeping at the missus through the bathroom window, I'm confiscating your ladders, and furthermore, if I catch you doing it again, further steps will be taken"....



If perchance Ryanair retains the most unpopular airline award this year, will they will break the record set in 1945 by the Luftwaffe.



The man who created the worldwide chain of Showcase cinemas has died. He was 91. His funeral is next Tuesday at 2.10, 4.20, 6.40 and 9.10.

                                          


I am trying to make friends outside of social media platforms, by applying those very same principles to everyday life. Consequently, each day I walk down the High Street and stop folk to inform them exactly what I have had for brekkie, how I feel at the moment, what I have done in Wetherspoons the night before, what I will do later and that I met Non-Stick Nora and Barmy Albert at my local pub, The Pit Bull and Stanley Knife. I give them pictures of my family, my dog Alfie and of me putting the wheelie bins out, platting fog, paddling my kayak, watering the aspidistra, standing in front of landmarks, driving up Scropton Street, visiting the abbatoir, scoffing a Greggs vegan pastie and doing stuff anybody and everybody does every single day. I also eavesdrop on their conversations, give them the "thumbs up" and tell them I like them. Moreover, it works just like Facebook and Twitter, because I already have four people following me: two police officers, a private investigator, and a psychiatrist. I told my doctor that I’m addicted to Twitter. He sez: “I’m not following you...



The missus asked me last night if I thought she was wearing too much lipstick. I said it depended on whether she was going out with the sole intention of killing Batman or not. The reverberations of that statement still echo around my lug holes!

                                                        


Last week, I visited the Patent office, to register a new invention that I had dreamed up. I told the clerk, "I've invented a folding bottle, I call it a ‘Fottle’ can I register it?" The clerk replied, "That's a rubbish concept, it'll never work" I carried on, informing him, "Well I've invented a folding kettle, I call it a “Fettle’ is that any good?" "Nope! It's been done already, pal." He curtly informed me. I didn't even bother to tell him about my folding bucket...





Real time slows as you approach the speed of light, whereas time flies when you’re having fun! So if you go slower. Do you have more fun or do you just get more light? Visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com Email me: comedianuk@sky.com. Now, get back to work.