Non-Stick Nora told Barmy Albert that his jeans originated in Africa, many millions of years ago...Well he looked at the label when she left and it turns out they came from Taiwan in 2017. Fascinating!
"Waiter, this soup is cold!" "Actually sir, it's gazpacho." "Gazpacho - this soup is cold!"
I attended a memorabilia auction with Barmy Albert. I bought a hand signed Ronnie Corbett photograph and he bought a genuine autograph of Ronnie Barker. So it’s good buy from me and good buy from him! Isn’t life grand when you’re barmy!
A Vegan once told me that butchers who sell meat are disgraceful. I sez: “People who sell fruit and veg are grocer!”
Ever since I was a child, I've always had a morbid fear of thinking that there was a ‘bogey-man’ under my bed at night. So I went to see a psychiatrist to seek learned counselling on this underlying issue. I told him: “I've got severe problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm frightened and I think I'm going bananas.” “Just put your good self in my hands for twelve months,” said the shrink. “Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to rid you of those fears...” “How much do you charge?” “£80 plus VAT per appointment,” replied the doctor. “I'll sleep on it,” I said. Six months later, I bumped into the doctor on the High Street. “Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?” he asked. “Well, at eighty quid plus VAT per visit, multiplied by three times a week, for a whole year is an awful lot of moolah! The barman at Wetherspoons cured me for nothing. I was so happy to have saved all that money, that I went and bought myself a new Land Rover Discovery!” “Is that right!” With a bit of an attitude, he replied, “And how, may I ask, did a mere barperson cure you?” “He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't anybody under there now!”
Due to the inclement weather, schools are asking mums to wear two pairs of pyjamas when picking kids up. Such is life...
I’ve had a Eureka moment! Hey lads! Listen up! I’ve finally worked it out. The bestest way to get a woman to change her mind is to agree with her in the first place! You heard it here first folks!
When it comes to mucking up everyday sayings, I've been that, done there, got the tea bag....
Corns and bunion pain exacerbated with athletes foot malady? I can't help you with that, but I can tell you that the secret to lasting hair growth is to tell the world about this gloppy column and my Jokey-Blog. Just click on www.ComedianUK.com all you have to do is tell your friends and family and your friends and families friends and family and then, do it all over again.