The snow was so thick in Glossop this week, I asked a snowman the time and he just stared at me! I do like it when it snows though. My garden looks like everybody else’s...
Two feet of snow here!
This bloke comes home early from work, only to find his best mate in bed in bed with his missus. Anger took over; he got his gun and shot him! His wife looked at him with much disdain and said: “If you carry on behaving like this, you’re going to have no friends left!”
I was languishing in the Pit Bull & Stanley Knife Public House last night, larruping back copious tankards of Farquarharsons Old & Filthy Best Bitter British Beer, when I said to the missus, "Have I told you that you look absolutely divine tonight?" "No, you haven't" she said with a bashful smile. "Well, there's a reason for that," I replied....
Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica? Wonder no more. It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life. If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried. The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing: "Freeze a jolly good fellow." Then they kick him in the ice hole. So, now we know. Fascinating innit!!
Well I never! According to the most current magazine in my dentist’s waiting room, every home in the UK will have a television by 1962. Fascinating!
Barmy Albert and Dastardly Derek were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and family values. Albert sez, ‘I didn’t sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?’ Derek replied, ‘I’m not sure, what was her maiden name?’
I asked the missus to toast some bread for me. She raised her wine glass and shouted: “Here’s to bread!” She lost her last job because she had rheumatism in the shoulder. Consequently, she couldn’t throw the harpoon anymore.
Fascinating Fact: Did you know that there are more aeroplanes in the sea than there are submarines in the sky.
Quote for Thursday: "Write a funny anecdote and your name will live forever." – Anonymous.
Real time slows as you approach the speed of light, whereas time flies when you’re having fun! So if you go slower. Do you have more fun or do you just get more light? Visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com Email me: comedianuk@sky.com. Now, get back to work. Spring is just around the corner! Top of Form
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