The Winter Olympics...

               

I was watching the Winter Olympics from Pyeongchang and the speed skating was fantastic! I tried speed skating on ten pints of beer once and it's not as easy as it looks. I reckon that if you’re competing in cross-country skiing, you should choose a very small country. When my granddad was on his deathbed, the doctor instructed the nurses to attach skates to his feet. He went downhill rapidly after that. Personally though, I wouldn’t go down that bobsleigh track until it had been gritted. Isn’t life grand when you’re barmy!

                             

Some years ago in Manchester a guy decided to open a school for comedy and he got quite a few people who wanted to be comedians, including one bloke who lived in the South West, but was desperate to do comedy so he asked the teacher for advice and was told to pack his job in, move to Manchester and when he went to sign on the dole, he should tell them that he was a qualified lion tamer (in the hope that of them never finding him a job) imagine his surprise when they offered him a job at Belle Vue Circus! I remember the headlines in this very newspaper!
                                   

A bloke who took British Airways to court because they mislaid his luggage has lost his case. Whereas, a neurotic friend of mine left some emotional baggage on an aeroplane. It caused a massive insecurity alert...

This morning, as I power-walked past the gym, I saw some idiot put a bottle of Buxton Spring Water in the Pringles holder on the treadmill. Sometimes, I go on the rowing machine. I just sit there and drift....

Brains of older people are slow because they know so much. People do not decline mentally with age, it just takes them longer to recall facts because they have more information in their brains, scientists believe. Much like a computer struggles as the hard drive gets full, so, too, do humans take longer to access information when their brains are full.

Researchers say this slowing down process is not the same as cognitive decline. The human brain works slower in old age, but only because we have stored more information over time. The brains of older people do not get weak. On the contrary, they simply know more. They start believing in the hereafter. They run upstairs and think, "What the flamin’ hell have I come up here after?"

                                                 

Wit is often a mask. If you could peer behind its gossamer façade, you would find either genius meandering or chutzpah sauntering. That’s why you should never let your mind wander. Summat that miniscule shouldn’t be out on its own. Nurse, fetch the screens! Visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com or email me: comedianuk@sky.com